Denying Denial and Recovering Anew

So I came to yet another realization yesterday about porn. Not only did it cost me in time, it cost me in money. Recently I noticed my macbook underperforming: battery draining faster than normal and not going into sleep mode. I downloaded a anti-virus app and it detected "62" infected files. I've cleaned/deleted multiple times, but the little bugger keeps coming back. I have an appointment w/Apple Genius, but not sure how much they'll be able to help. As for my day and how i'm doing, I'm doing well. In fact, outside of coming here to post, I don't think about porn. Even when I've been horny my thoughts have been about sex w/my wife and not PMO. Additionally, we've had multiple sexual encounters and I've noticed my performance anxiety has been reduced, and no PIED. I know I'm a long way from rebooting and I'm in no way about to stop the progress. I'll continue to post and capture my day until I reach my goal(s).

 

Nothing really significant to post. I'm sleepy and exhausted. No real urges, but like alcoholism, it only takes an image to trigger me. A few moments ago I saw something that use to trigger an urge in me. Not sure if it's the change in me or the exhaustion, but I didn't feel a desire to linger or respond to the image. Either way, I'll take the win.

 

It's almost 12 hours since my last post and things are a bit different. I just woke from a nap and I'm having small cravings for PMO. I'm not sure if it's "hit the PANIC button" time, but my brain is definitely playing with me. I'm getting flashes of images from tumblr sites I use to visit. You know what, let me get my ass up off this computer before I do something stupid. Update to follow.

 

Not sure what the heck is going on. I'm horny and having sexual urges. My nuts are throbbing and there's like this feeling that my prostate is oozing ejaculate internally. I'm not considering PMO, so I haven't hit the panic button yet. But it's weird...I went from in control, no problems, to horny like a teenager again.

 

Vxlccm,
Thanks for the support. Update: I made it through the challenges I was having. In fact, haven't really had thoughts or urges since. The last few days have been wonderful. As I mentioned in a previous post, I believe I have to limit my visits to nofap since it's really the only time I think about porn. Again thanks for the support.

 

I've hit the reset button after celebrating my 27th wedding anniversary. The wife and I had an amazing night of intimacy. Still having great sex after all these years. But in doing so, she put on some porn thinking it would help me recover for round two. I'm not blaming her. I take full responsibility for my actions. Nor am I ashamed. I am however honest with myself. I could feel the dopamine boiling and my brain easily fogging up while watching it. We didn't keep it running long before I shut it off. But I did see it and initially enjoyed it. So I reset. I discussed it with her hours later (after I awoke from my induced coma), and we agreed that porn was something we don't need in our bedroom. If you've read my previous post, you'd know my wife doesn't really care if I watch it or not. She asked me how I felt about relapsing and I told her I was fine. And I am. I shared with her that relapsing is not the worst that could happened. Not learning from it would have been a different story.

So, back on the ride. BTW, this is the closest I've ever come to reaching 90 days. And though I'm more into the change in lifestyle than I am on a particular day, I'd like to reach 90 days.