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So This Is Where I Am

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Haggis, Oct 21, 2017.

  1. Haggis

    Haggis Fapstronaut

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    So...it's been a while since I've been here. Right now it's a somewhat strange mix of comfort and trepidation. Comfort, because this site has been more beneficial to myself and my marriage than any other outside source I've ever come across. Trepidation, because I'm kind of coming here like a dog with it's tail between it's legs.

    I've got a long history here on NoFap, as does my wife. I've fallen off in posting for...probably a year and a half if I'm honest with myself. And the reason I have fallen off is my own pride. At some point I began to feel like I didn't need NoFap. I was free of PMO now, so why bother posting and remaining active in an anti-porn website, right? Well, I'm here because even when you stop the habit of physical PMO, the mental scars remain.

    I'm posting in this category because it makes the most sense to me. As a brief background on myself (and to save anyone the trouble of rooting through tons of my old posts), I'm 35 and have been in a relationship with my wife for almost 12 years (married for 6 this December). January of 2015 was my wife's final straw with my porn addiction. She essentially packed her bags and was ready to walk out the door when she saw an internet history I had forgotten to erase. Through some miracle I managed to hang on to her and she has stood by my side throughout the insane roller coaster that has been my addiction to porn and the damage it has wrought in our lives.

    I have many things to be thankful for: my wife standing by me, the fact that I have a decent-paying job and have held onto it for years, my friends and family who love me, the first home that my wife and I purchased in June of this year. Most importantly I have genuinely managed to remain free of PMO ever since June 21, 2015. Yep, that's right. I'm still clean of that habit for nearly three years. There's really a lot going for me.

    Everything isn't sunshine and roses, though. I've always been a very closed-off person. I bottle my thoughts and emotions up, intending for them to filter out over time. I push negative thoughts out or throw them over a mental wall in my head. I resign them to a dark, dusty corner of my mind and ignore them at all costs. With the run-of-the-mill/daily stresses, my coping mechanism works. It's not healthy, and saying it "works" is probably a bit of an overreach, but it kept me going. It keeps me functioning as a husband, breadwinner, and human being.

    The problem with that mindset is that it functions somewhat like a water reservoir or dam. My fears and worries, my stresses and anxieties, and my insecurities all pile up. They slowly trickle out over time but once I have something major crop up, the whole thing crumbles and I'm flooded with so much that I just blank out. I've always been a champion at pushing my emotions out. If it's negative, I don't dwell on it. So once I'm forced to confront certain things, I'm totally unequipped to handle them.

    To make a long story short, I made an exceptionally stupid mistake when I was 18. It continues to cause me (and my wife) legal trouble to this day. For the first time in 16 years, I have an opportunity to put this behind me and actually have the courts do something for me. If this goes through, my life will suddenly be an open door. Opportunities that never existed before now could suddenly become a reality. And it's a real, solid chance.

    I should be excited. I should be thrilled and optimistic. I should be elated. I am, don't get me wrong. But I'm also utterly terrified. The thought of something going awry, the thought of our hopes being built so high only to be dashed on the rocks has given me diarrhea for the past month. My stress level has gone through the roof, and it's all "what ifs".

    The point of my somewhat rambling post is this: the stress levels I've been undergoing lately, coupled with the mindset I have leftover from my days of PMO has led to a *massive* emotional disconnect between me and my wife. I can't process the things I'm feeling and am such a closed-off person that I don't discuss it with my wife like I should. Holding things back from her, even with the best of intentions, has changed me over the past month. I have been become colder to her and have been unable to maintain an erection during sex for the past month. We have tried multiple times and I have been unable to perform every time.

    The mental thought patterns that I developed during my active PMO days carries over in me, even though I am clean of the physical act of PMO. The guilt, the shame, the stress, the self-induced pressure can still get to me. As I sought to numb my stress with alcohol, intoxicants, and video games, I never dealt with the emotions and stresses I was feeling. It slowly drove a wedge into my relationship with my wife and I never even saw it. I tried to put on a happy face and mask the deeper emotions, but it came out. And it came out in a very obvious, very physical way.

    The first few times I experienced ED, I blamed it on the stress of my ongoing legal issues. Of seeing the past resurrected, even for a good cause. By the third time, however, I began to see the same mental patterns that I saw two years ago. I felt the mental spiral begin. When things began to get intimate with my wife and I, I would tense up and worry if I would be able to perform, and of course I wouldn't. I was so disconnected from myself and from my wife that I almost felt more like an observer than a participant.

    My wife has seen this all before, too. My reactions and mannerism are a perfect mirror of what I said and did when I was addicted to porn. She has said multiple times (and I believe her) that she doesn't think I still view porn, but that she is worried. Who can blame her? I'm the same cold, limp man that I was when I was in my depths of PMO.

    So here I am now. My wife broke down to me tonight, saying I'm not the same person anymore and that she desperately needs the husband that she used to have. I feel a desperate need for her too, but struggle to find the words or actions to assuage her or kick myself into gear and start doing something about the melancholy I've slipped into. She has suggested more than once that I do something about it, but my own stubbornness and pride has gotten in the way.

    I hope posting here is able to break something loose in me. It already feels better getting my disorganized thoughts down on "paper". It is my intention to post every couple of days and continually update my progress with coping with my emotions. I hope anyone that reads this realizes that refraining from porn is only the first step in unraveling yourself. Once you pull up the PMO weed, you have to address the conditions that allowed it to grow in the first place.
     
    TalkingScum, vxlccm and anewhope like this.
  2. Hopefulgirl

    Hopefulgirl Fapstronaut

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    Wow what great insights you have and congrats on staying PMO free. Have you looked into the term "intimacy anorexia"? It sounds like it might be applicable in your situation.
     
    vxlccm, Haggis and anewhope like this.
  3. Haggis

    Haggis Fapstronaut

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    I am not familiar with that term, but holy cow does it sound spot-on. I appreciate the insight, @Sadgirl. This is definitely something to look into.

    Thank you.
     
    vxlccm and LizzyBlanca like this.
  4. Hopefulgirl

    Hopefulgirl Fapstronaut

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    If you need help finding good info let me know!
     
    Haggis, anewhope and LizzyBlanca like this.
  5. Spiff

    Spiff Fapstronaut

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    I've been stressed out lately too, since I started school again at 37. I'm going to nursing school and I'm way out of my element in the hospital. For the past 13 years or so my life was pretty steady with a stress free construction job and only a few surprises. As a result, I don't have a lot of skill dealing with stress, I've been sleeping poorly and then I got sick all through midterms week as a result.

    I haven't quit porn for as long as you, but it's been long enough that porn free feels like the new normal for me. For some time I was riding a high from it, but now that's faded and I'm still me with most of the same flaws I had before. It feels good whenever I think about it, but I still have many of the same shortcomings in my character that I had before. The things that bothered me about my wife before still bother me now, and I still lose my patience with my kids.

    I wish you luck with your legal issues and getting out of your rut.
     
    Haggis, anewhope and LizzyBlanca like this.
  6. Pearl N.

    Pearl N. Fapstronaut

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    It seems like you're able to address everything when you write it down. Why don't you try writing down(or emailing) a letter to your wife? At the end of the email, say a few things about why you love her and tell her things you're doing to try and get better.
    Just an idea. It's something that would help me feel more at ease at least
     
    vxlccm, Haggis, Torn and 2 others like this.
  7. Welcome back, Haggis. I'm sorry you've been having a hard time again lately, but I'm glad you were able to see that coming back to journaling may be helpful. I followed along both yours and your wife's journals from the beginning, and I know you guys have what it takes to get this all back on track. I look forward to seeing you progress again as it's always given me hope that somehow my situation will eventually follow the same positive path someday. And, you've always been so helpful to others here who are struggling as well. Keep your chin up. :)
     
  8. The 1st step in anything is awareness and you are aware of the problem, so this gives you a chance to try to work on it. Excellent insight.

    Journaling, blogging, or writing on here (and getting feedback) helps for sure. FANOS could help you and your wife build intimacy, too. Do you have any other group you can talk to about feelings / stress / process "stuff"?

    Apparently, there are 6 types of sex addicts and intimacy anorexia is one type. My husband is that type.

    Hope you find that writing here and processing through some of these challenges is helpful.
     
    Haggis likes this.
  9. Haggis

    Haggis Fapstronaut

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    That. That right there for sure. When I began my recovery, I had a pretty simple strategy. Abstain from porn and life is good. Once that became the "new normal" as you so expertly put it, I became something of an army with nothing to fights. The battle was won, but now I had to deal with the fallout. The thought just never occurred to me beforehand that there would be a much more difficult process of unraveling my innards afterwards.

    @Pearl N., this is something we have talked about a lot. I clam up and struggle for words during some of our face to face conversations, and it is helpful for both of us when I express myself through journaling. Nail on the head :)

    @hope4healing , @LizzyBlanca , @ncsest , thank you so much for your support. I already feel a bit refreshed from being back in the community again and look forward to being a much active member again. For better or worse it'll be seeing a lot more of me in the future ;)
     
    LizzyBlanca and Spiff like this.
  10. Torn

    Torn Fapstronaut

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    Hi, @Haggis ! Welcome back. I admire your willingness to self-reflect and share about your self-awareness with us here! Sometimes writing really is easier than speaking. It helps me organize my thoughts. Have you shared what you've written with your wife?

    My bf struggles with similar issues, clamming up struggling for words, etc. He's found therapy with a CSAT and also going to his group very helpful. Also, we just started EFT couple's therapy, and that is VERY promising for both of us. It's helped him connect with his emotions. It has been very enlightening to me to learn what he's really feeling when he looks "blank" or shut-down to me. It's been helpful for both of us to work on creating a more secure attachment, and our second session is tomorrow.

    Good luck to you! Glad you are here reaching out.
     
    Haggis and LizzyBlanca like this.
  11. Just a word of encouragement to you two and anyone else reading this thread. You both have excellent insight and know what to work on. Great!

    My husband is going through something similar. He's been clean 20+ months. He *finally* saw a therapist who was trained in this issue. The therapist said, "You are in remission, not recovery." Remission is abstaining. Of course, that's the first step, and very important and not easy. Recovery is the part where an addict works on the "insides" and emotions and behaviors (typically going back to childhood where this issue often starts for many reasons I won't get into here), but also in working on connecting in meaningful ways to people, friends, and partners/spouses. From what I have learned, recovery is what helps make a person's life more meaningful.

    It sounds like you two recognize that and desire "more" in your lives.

    Partners/ spouses desire that too.

    Good luck to both of you on your paths!
     
  12. Haggis

    Haggis Fapstronaut

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    Hey @Torn! My wife actually reads all of my posts and has journaled extensively about her journey through all of this. Journaling is definitely a big help and a great way for me to organize myself. I’m glad there are others who share the same struggles as me.

    @LizzyBlanca , spot-on. I’m realizing now that I never really did focus on anything beyond that first obstacle. Once that hurdle was behind me I just assumed everything would work out. Still got some work to do on myself :)

    Today was a pretty good day. We had some friends over last night and had a great time. After they left today we’ve spent almost the entire day together. It’s been way too long since we’ve done that. I would let myself get caught up in whatever *I* wanted to do. That’s exactly the mindset I’m trying to move away from, the one where I draw into myself and try to handle things on my own. The part where I put distance between my wife and me until I can “fix” the problem. Clearly there was no fixing myself by myself.

    It was great just having her near me today. There should be a few external stress factors that are clearing up as well. Both of us are in pretty great moods and I feel closer to her than I have in weeks. Things are looking up :)
     
    hope4healing, LizzyBlanca and Torn like this.
  13. ^^^ Yes - good - being "in community" helps with recovery.

    I was re-reading this thread and wanted to share something I've heard/read at least a hundred times about recovery (for the addict or for the partner/spouse). We can't do it alone. We need others on our journey. The journey of the spouse/partner back to wellness and the journey of the addict look very different, but we all benefit from giving and receiving support to others on a similar journey.

    For me, just knowing that there are others pulling for me and walking the same path is really helpful.
     
  14. Haggis

    Haggis Fapstronaut

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    Just a quick update that my ED problem was not an issue last night :). I’ll post more later, but we’re pretty happy so far :)
     
  15. Haggis

    Haggis Fapstronaut

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    So today was honestly pretty freaking awesome. The confidence level and happiness I felt waking up has been unmatched for weeks, a month or more. Though I wasn't viewing porn any longer, I had been feeling a tremendous sense of guilt and shame over not being able to be there for my wife; mentally or physically. All it took was for me to admit to her (and more importantly, to myself) that it was my own stubborn pride standing in the way of my goal. God bless that woman for standing by my side and prying my shell open time and time again. It was my conversation with her a couple nights ago that unearthed the realization that I was being prideful.

    It's kind of funny, I usually consider myself a fairly humble person. I joke frequently about being awesome, being "the man", and all that, but I thought I was just joking. The more I think about, though, I'm hiding things. At my core I'm a fairly insecure person and I hide behind jokes to make people think I'm happy and content. I feel like an underachiever in so many aspects of my life and I've always been great at pushing the "bad thoughts" away. That's the recipe for a time bomb. All it took was a sustained period of stress in my life and the whole thing kind of collapsed in on itself. This has hopefully been my Madoff moment where I'm found guilty of massive fraud and come clean.

    My pride was getting in my way because I didn't see journaling and the NoFap community as anything other than a tool (albeit a fantastic one) to get off of porn. I never looked beyond that. I always considered myself as a fairly put-together person who had their stuff handled. It took forever, but I finally admitted to myself that I had a porn addiction. Surely that was it, right? A guy like me couldn't have deeper personality issues beyond that, right? How wrong was I, right?

    It's an odd feeling, knowing that you have a pride issue. At least for me. It's unsettling and comforting at the same time. It's comforting because I have something concrete to latch on to and attribute many of the negative behaviors and emotions I've been feeling, but it's incredibly unsettling to know I've been so blind to my own actions. Props to my wife once again for helping rip the blinders off my eyes.

    Anyways, today was definitely a great day. I had a pretty good physical today (good blood pressure and overall health and whatnot). Even though I came in late to work and was pretty busy, I felt happy all day. I just *felt* different today and it was an amazing change. To all of you who have contributed your thoughts and insights to me, I thank you so much. To my wife, thank you so much. Sometimes it takes a village to raise a Haggis :)

    I'll be stating a new counter after this post for consecutive journaling days. My initial goal is 30 days. I intend to meet this goal.
     
  16. Blondewife

    Blondewife Fapstronaut

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    Very proud of you, baby! You can totally meet that goal!
     
    Kenzi, Jennica, ConfusedWife and 3 others like this.
  17. Haggis

    Haggis Fapstronaut

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    Evening, NoFap :)

    Today I actually woke up a little tired and was pretty swamped with a long/tedious project today. There was a fair amount of increasingly-intense workplace drama on top of an intense workload. I wasn’t necessarily in an obviously bad mood (hopefully the opposite), but I was pretty grumpy inside.

    The good thing about that is how it melted away pretty quickly once I got home. Hanging out with my wife and just being home did wonders for me. I like that I can have a less-than-ideal day and not have it spill over into my home life. It’s good to be happy again, to really feel it :)

    I look forward to the future now and to improving myself and my relationship along with it.
     
  18. Haggis

    Haggis Fapstronaut

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    A bit of a short post tonight, but today was overall another very good day. Work was crazy, busy, and stressful. Pretty much par for the course there.

    But again, the awesome thing is that daily stress is no longer ruining my entire mood. I feel so much better at my core and feel so much more enjoyment out of life. Just admitting that my pride was standing in my way has truly helped me start to unload a bit of the buildup I’ve had inside.

    My time with my wife feels better in every aspect. I feel happier around her, I feel more affection towards her. I feel more physical yearning and closeness than I have in more than a month.

    I know my path still winds ahead of me, and I know I still have much to unravel about myself. But it’s still refreshing to find waypoints of sanity along the way :)
     
  19. Haggis

    Haggis Fapstronaut

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    I’m *so* looking forward to the weekend, heh. This week has had seen some major positive changes for me, but has also been brutally stressful at work and in dealing with some of the emotional fallout from the past month or so.

    I’ve always been a very closed-up person and have never felt comfortable discussing my emotions or feelings. It’s just the way I’ve always been, for better or worse. Communication is vital in a relationship, though, and my lack of it has driven a bigger wedge between me and my wife than I realized.

    My wife came to me tonight and let me know about several things that she had been holding in for weeks because she felt she couldn’t talk to me about them. Some things were directly about me and others were not. She said she felt alone and was unable to express just how bad she felt to me.

    This is something that I *have* to get better at. I tend to get very defensive and deflect as many uncomfortable conversations as I can and it’s truly a difficult habit to break. When she begins discussing her feelings or emotions about some things, I can come across as very callous or dismissive about them. I don’t mean to be, it’s just always the way I’ve handled things like this. When confronted with a “problem”, a try my best to go point by point and “solve” it. The end result is that I don’t sound supportive or respectful, I sound cold or unavailable.

    This is something we’ve struggled without entire relationship. When things are going well it’s fantastic. When there is something between us though, we find it hard to have an even conversation about it without me shutting down at some point. It once again came to a head tonight.

    My hope is that the ultra-stressful month we’ve had is finally coming to an end and we can begin to heal up a bit. We had PIV again last night (which was great) and I genuinely think I’m starting to let my guard down a bit, to relax. I also realize that a few good days can’t immediately balance out a bad month. It’s going to take some more work and dedication from me to help my wife get back to a place where she feels comfortable and secure with me again.

    I still have a week of vacation time left and I think we could certainly use a little time to ourselves. My wife is frequently suggesting that I take time off, but I always get too caught up at work. I haven’t even used all my vacation time for the past several years and it doesn’t roll over, it’s just lost time. And it’s not fair to her that I sacrifice our marriage and our personal relationship for my job.

    Here’s to a badly-needed weekend and some time together :)
     
    Pearl N. and hope4healing like this.
  20. Even though you're still struggling at times to not get defensive and be open to hearing your wife's thoughts/feelings in a more supportive, caring manner, I think it's great that you're able to introspect. Without that, you wouldn't be able to move forward in improving these things. It seems to me that many PA's are held back from recovering their relationships because they are not able to look within themselves and/or admit their emotional insufficiencies. But, you're on the right track. :)
     
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