Ladies and gentlemen, its back!

This last week or so has been a rollercoaster for me, as I've tried to seriously examine my own inner dialogue and get to the root cause of why I cant seem to settle on one emotional state or another, why one minute I have drive and passion, the next I dont. With the help of people on the site and other sources, I think I've moved past that, I've felt more driven in the past 5 or so days than in the last 6 months, but there was another issue that kept popping back up in my mind.

Yep, you guessed it, it was the whole "Am I bi" question that as anyone who has read my other posts will know, has been something thats bothered me for a long time. Just to be clear, I dont have a problem with it, and if I discovered I was then OK whatever, its not a big deal. What bothered me was not knowing, the uncertainty of it. In the past week I started to feel my sex drive return, and with it a lot of my past porn-induced fetishes that I thought were gone started coming back, including gay/bi fantasies. I started to get worried again, thinking "Oh for fucks sake, why cant my brain just decide, it would be easier if it could just settle on something". That was yesterday. But today, I think I finally understand what the flatline is. I thought I got it, thought I'd gone past it, but I think the past week and all that concern was my "Darkest before the dawn" moment because now, in the clear light of day, with my sex drive back and me starting to feel incredibly strong physical/emotional attraction to women, stronger than ever, I can say it loud, shout it from the rooftops;

My sex drive is back, and I'm straight. I love women, want to pursue meaningful emotional and sexual relationships with women, want to settle down and start a family with women. I'm sorry if anything I've written comes across as evangelical or overly cheesy but I'm too happy to care. Thanks NoFap, thanks everyone who has ever given me advice, but I think most of all thanks to the real me for finally showing his face. Its been a hell of a ride but I'm nearly at the light at the end. Cant wait to see whats on the other side.

 

I'd say around 9 weeks.

 

This was exactly what I was like less than 2 weeks ago, but as long as you are truly ready to dedicate a lot of time to introspection, it will get better. NoFap by itself is only part of the puzzle, you have to be ready to dive into your thoughts/feelings and get to the bottom of the why/how/when/who of it. Write things down, look up the various cognitive distortions that can cloud your rationality, examine in depth every aspect of your problems from every angle.

 

This is definitely true. I think I suffered from a thing that must have a proper name, that I called "sexual conflation", where my brain would take natural, healthy sexual desires and slowly shift them and distort them until they were only similar to the original desire on a surface level, but were in reality completely different. This caused a lot of confusion where I tried to fool myself into thinking I was more than just kinda kinky (which I admit I am and have no issue with) and was actually gay/bi. When I traced the progression of my thought back through to the root, I realised this was happening and much like when realizing you're in a dream wakes you up, making this realization woke me up from the delusion. Fact of the matter is, I am only aroused by women, I only have romantic feelings for women, anything else is just distortion of my kinkier side and it really is that simple.