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my girl rarely wants sex

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by TomMoin, Oct 16, 2017.

Did you have the same problem?

  1. yes

    22 vote(s)
    61.1%
  2. no

    14 vote(s)
    38.9%
  1. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    I second what you are saying. It’s almost if the thought process is that the man is entitled to a certain level and amount of sex just because young men are horny. If he has been PMOing for all those years it almost certainly effected their sexual relationship and how frequently she wants it. I would like to know does she know he is doing NoFap? Has he asked for her help in his journey? Has he spoken to her about his feelings that he would like sex more frequently?
     
    TalkingScum likes this.
  2. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    PMO addicts in early recovery rarely know what their sex Drive is. It’s normallt artificially high due to excessive porn consumption. Part of the reboot process is figuring out where your natural pmo free drive is. So I think it’s premature to say they have a sex drive mismatch. In your reasons for why her sex drive may have changed I find it interesting that his porn addiction is not mentioned at all. I would imagine this is one of the major factors as pmo addicts are notorious for being bad in bed, selfish in bed and treating their partners like objects.
     
    samnf1990 and Queen_Of_Hearts_13 like this.
  3. Opportunity For Better

    Opportunity For Better Fapstronaut

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    I agree that PMO negatively effects relationships, but others have brought that up and there's no sense me repeating it.
     
  4. Opportunity For Better

    Opportunity For Better Fapstronaut

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    That's definitely not what I was getting at and I deliberately didn't use the word "fix".

    I mentioned three possible problems causing her reduced sex drive:
    1. Her not feeling good;
    2. Medication side-effects;
    3. Attraction to him.
    Addressing the first one it would mostly take the form of him understanding where she's at and empathizing. He would at least know that no one is directly at fault, which goes a long way in avoiding relationship conflict, since fault attribution reduces effective communication.

    If it's the second one they can work towards addressing it together through open discussion with each other and her doctor.

    If it's the third one he can try to improve his attractiveness so that she is once again attracted to him.

    In no case do I advocate that he be manipulative, controlling, or blaming.
     
  5. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    You say the first one “her not feeling good” and that part of that would be him being empathetic and understanding of how she’s feeling totally agree. But then you go on to say then he would at least know that it’s no ones direct fault? What do you mean by her not feeling well do you mean physical illness? Or do you mean emotionally? Because his pmo causing her to feel less likely to have frequent sex with him is directly his fault.
     
  6. samnf1990

    samnf1990 Fapstronaut

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    Ask yourself whether she does not want as much sex, or if she needs more things to hapoen before she is ready for sex. A simple suggestion from her of sex may be enough to get you in the mood, but she may require more effort on your part to woo her, putting her in the mood and turning her on sufficiently. She may be justas desperate as you for more sex, but want you to initiate it. Not just saying "wanna fuck?" but seducing her in the ways that work for her. Women are all similar and a different partner will not automatically be constantly down to fuck either. Make more effortwith the partner you have. If you don't want to bother doing that, you should leave her. She will wantto feel worth your time and effort to seduce.
     
  7. TomMoin

    TomMoin Fapstronaut

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    2 things here because i think some sayings are interpreted. i no langer watch porn for 1 year. and... we live together. 1-2 times for me is way to rare.
    you are right, sometimes i try to lead my horniness to sex. this horniness does not come from porn. i mean.. i want to have sex... that must be legit.
     
  8. TomMoin

    TomMoin Fapstronaut

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    I did all of that.
     
  9. TomMoin

    TomMoin Fapstronaut

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    this is certainly not the case for me. as i stated i doesnt watch porn for 1 year now. and i probably had no real addiction. but still fapping and thinking of girls or fapping at all gave me a frequent free to have ejaculation.
     
  10. OntheSurf4ce

    OntheSurf4ce Fapstronaut

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    One thing to point out here @TomMoin - how do you not know that 1-2 times per week is great for her and the perfect amount? I'm not saying that you're doing this, but from what it sounds like to me from what you posted about saying that 1-2 times is way too rare for you, is that you're making it about you.
    We all get horny. Trust me man, I have a fiancee who is also low libido, and we have sex 1-2 times per week, sometimes we go 10 days without any sex. You need to learn to appreciate being intimate without sex always being the outcome. You can't just use her in the way that will get rid of your horniness. That all depends on you. Meditation, cold showers, picking up a hobby are all good ways to curb those urges. Trust me, you do not want to get to the point where she will start to feel pressured and then develop body complex issues and then completely cut you off.

    In your first post you also said you were looking for other girls to date because of your lack of sex? Which now that I think about it is that 1-2 times a week isn't honestly lacking at all. I still think that you MO'ing to other girls is causing your sex drive to increase. You need to stop MO altogether, and I definitely think that your drive will return to normal and understandable amounts.

    The fact that you were even starting to look for other girls doesn't sound like you were thinking of her and your love for her. You may LOVE having sex with her, but looking for other girls sounds like you're doubting your love for her as a whole.
    Let me tell you something - my fiancee and I have lived together for a while now - some weeks we break the average 1-2 times a week and go upwards of 3-4 times. Why? Because it's a nice change of pace and a surprise! And those weeks are absolutely fantastic. But there are weeks where we go once. And not again for 10 days. I get frustrated sexually too, but I try not to take it out on her. We both have huge families, we both work mentally stressful jobs, and the days where we feel the stress sink in, she just may not be in the mood at all. Doesn't mean she doesn't love me, it just means life takes its toll every now and then. After my first 2 month streak, my drive returned to a normal amount, and there were even days where I declined sex because I was too tired and not feeling it at all!

    I don't know what your overall situation is, but going back to what I originally said - if you think 1-2 times per week is way too rare for you, then you need to step back and think of what your gf wants/needs. Try other things - being more intimate by cuddling, hugging her, kissing her, making her feel special. Just enjoy being with her. Don't always look for sex. That is one way to damage a relationship between people with 2 different sex drives.

    If you find that it's just not working out - then you need to end it and stop expecting things from her that aren't going to happen, otherwise she will feel pressured, used and neither of you will enjoy your sex lives.
     
    Numb, TalkingScum, Jennica and 3 others like this.
  11. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    I agree with you on this. I think often pmo or even just mo addicts just move their addiction to their partner or other women but never really change the mindset that got them there in the first place. He needs to stop seeing sex or orgasm as a release designed solely for his pleasure and move to seeing it as an intimacy building tool. Often on NoFap it’s hard to tell how much of the behavior is normal horny young man behavior and how much is NoFap. But I suspect most young horny men know realistically that in the long term sex 1 or 2 times a week is pretty Good and if he sets his standards too high he will always be alone.
     
  12. OntheSurf4ce

    OntheSurf4ce Fapstronaut

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    I completely agree with you. As a PA myself, I still find it very difficult to try and not just use O as a release when having sex with my fiancee. For example, this past week has been the week from hell for me urges wise. And i'm sad to say that I relapsed two times. But the 60 day streak that I just came off of last week was the 2nd longest I've ever gone without P or M. Even though I relapsed, I am not looking at it as a bad thing. I know I can make it another 60 days, but the battle will still be there. My goal is to have it under control by our wedding on May 5, 2018, but I feel after 90 it will hopefully became easier and easier. Not saying it's gonna be SPAM REMOVED (spam code #001) - REPORT TO MODERATION, but every day it gets easier.

    My point is that I was just like the OP. Sometimes I have to catch myself from going back to those ways of always horny, always MO'ing and looking for an outlet to get release and then using it on my fiancee. Sex became unenjoyable for her. There were times where I didn't even care about her or being intimate and was just focusing on the end result. Hell, there were times where I'd get rough with her because that's how they did it on the internet.

    After finding NoFap, I took the advice and materials provided and used that to my advantage. Seeking other ways of being more intimate by hugging, kissing, cuddling on the couch, doing nice things for her such as cooking, cleaning. She was very impressed at the turn around in my attitude. And you know what, it was mutually beneficial for me as well since I refound my love for her and the reason why I asked her to marry me. Although I still struggle with PA, I know what I need to do to make sure it stays at bay.

    @TomMoin - Just keep in mind man that if you stick with the program, and admit that you in fact do have a problem with PMO or even MO in general to thoughts of other girls, then that's the first step. Get rid of thoughts of other women. Do something to help control your urges. I promise that if you stick to the steps and advice given on these forums, you will refind the love for your gf and won't even think about other women. It's a long journey, and there may be plenty of slip ups, but getting back on your feet and starting with the correct mindset will get you where you need to be. I promise. Even though I've relapsed, I am not falling back into old habits. I have a much better perspective on my relationship and am finding different ways to be intimate with my fiancee. We're all here to help you.
     
    Torn likes this.
  13. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    I know you may feel bad you relapsed but in reading your post I can see as someone who was with a pmo addict and just reading posts of addicts on the way to recovery that you are well on your way. You have changed your mindset and that’s harder than actually stopping fapping. I know exactly what you mean as far as a SO being used solely as a release for the pmo addict been there done that and it makes us feel horrible and it’s not enjoyable at all.
     
  14. OntheSurf4ce

    OntheSurf4ce Fapstronaut

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    Thanks @GG2002 that means a lot. I feel better overall too. More alert, no more fatigue, and ready to attack every day with my best!

    I definitely can understand what you mean about being a SO who's with a PA. The first time my fiancee and I talked about my addiction, she was very supportive, and knew something was wrong. She told me about how she felt, and how she felt used and that she almost felt unimportant at times. There were times where she was even scared to deny me sex because I used to take my frustration for lack of sex out on her, because my drive was THROUGH. THE. ROOF. She has been my AP since day 1 and she knows about every slip up that I have because I tell her, even though I know it may hurt her. And trust me, she's honest with me. About everything and how it makes her feel. I appreciate that from her because it snaps me back to reality. But she's impressed with my forward progress and it's made us closer.

    @GG2002 - I never realized before how brave my fiancee was for helping me and accepting me, and I must say that I am humbled by your decision to stay by your PA partner. For the ones who are truly accepting recovery and trying our hardest, it's actually the SO who deserves a lot of credit for sticking by us. So from one PA to another PA's SO, I say thank you because you are the ones that truly help us realize what we lost by lying to you, but are so willing to help us regain every aspect of the relationship to make it whole again.
     
    Torn and Queen_Of_Hearts_13 like this.
  15. TomMoin

    TomMoin Fapstronaut

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    hey guys,
    you write very inspiring stuff. that you were in my position is nice to read aswell. i think you are right with just everything. i do not know what SO stands for but i will try to be kinder to her and not tell her it is her fault. i also think that i made some progress overall. i stopped watching porn at all. i try to not jerk off even though i might slip sometimes. what i find the hardest thing is when hot looking girls seems to be all around. i mean come on: those girls dress like they want to get fucked. seriously. i love my gf and having sex with her. i think on this point you are correct aswell - that my past MO routine leads to a feeling that you have to stick with this frequency of orgasms.
    and i learn. i now know about some triggers and they are plain simple. i should stop watch and even search for hot looking girls. yes i dont fap. but the intention of watching them might be the same. so i learn.
    i try to improve my willpower to resist looking for those dumb pictures.
    thanks for you honest replies. these harsh comments will not set me up at all. they are motivation to me.
     
    OntheSurf4ce likes this.
  16. OntheSurf4ce

    OntheSurf4ce Fapstronaut

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    @TomMoin
    That's what we're here for my friend. It's a constant struggle for us all. The fact that you don't watch P is great, as you can get ahead of the curve. By the way, SO stands for Significant Other. Making progress is always good. Each day it gets easier. I definitely agree that frequency of MO makes the drive much more than it should be.

    Identifying triggers is a plus too, that way you can avoid them. I know exactly what you mean my friend. There are a lot of girls out there who seek attention and dress certain ways. For people with addictions like us, it's a hard road to travel on, because the temptation is always there. It's very hard. But you are right. I think a great course of action is to avoid looking at pictures of girls on the internet as this is a definite trigger. Same for me. One pic leads to something more and more.
    Willpower is the key man! Sorry for being so harsh, but sometimes being honest means coming across in a different way. Just keep them as motivation and each day it will become a win for you if you stick to your guidelines.

    Godspeed!
     
  17. WantsToBelieve

    WantsToBelieve Fapstronaut

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    ... what? I'm very sorry if this comes off as harsh but no girl is ever dressing a certain way so she will 'get f****d'. (Maybe with the exception of porn stars and prostitutes. Because that is their job.) That is the same as saying a woman who was raped was "asking for it". They are dressing in ways that are comfortable for them, and make them feel good about themselves. That is in no way an invitation for you to objectify her. I highly recommend un-learning this toxic thought pattern before you go full on Weinstein. What would your SO think if she read that sentence coming from you? I can't help but wonder.
     
  18. Torn

    Torn Fapstronaut

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    I completely agree with you @WantsToBelieve ! It sounds like warped thinking that occurs sometimes with addiction. @TomMoin , please do some soul-searching and reconsider this predatory thinking. There is no way you can really know what motivates someone to dress a certain way or what they are thinking. It sounds like you could be projecting your wishful thinking onto others and trying to justify your objectification of them.
     
    noexcuses likes this.
  19. TomMoin

    TomMoin Fapstronaut

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    Yes and no. I might daydream and think of those things. I don't know if you read this: I am a student. Girls out there are definetily looking for other guys and some of them look worse than Nikki Minaj. I think there is a big trend to dress up like a slut even though they might not want to get fucked. But they dress LIKE it. Not meaning i want to jump on them. I was just talking about triggers. Ok? I know thinking that is not helpful. But i guess you can objectivly say what i just wrote.

    edit: i seriousy think there is never a justification for rapior and nobody wants it or "dresses up" to get raped. On the other hand increasingly more girls dress up like Nikki Minaj to get attention from guys and even the feeling of being hot through views on them.
     
    Last edited: Oct 25, 2017
  20. Mavricko

    Mavricko Fapstronaut

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    Everyone is different. Different people have different sex drives and interests. Is she busy/exercising a lot or something? Maybe how you are acting turns her off or she's gone off you?

    If you want a more sexual relationship you'll have to try a few different things to turn her on/get her interested again. If that doesn't work you'll have to look elsewhere. Dating is a two way relationship. This isn't necessarily your fault at all, bear that in mind
     

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