my girl rarely wants sex

"On he other hand..." implies that your next point contradicts the one you have just made. Dressing like Nikki Minaj (or a 'slut' as you charmingly put it) is not contradictory to the statement that noone dresses up o be raped. Dressing for attention, sexual or otherwise, is not providing implicit consent that trumps any explicit denial of consent. Dressing in a way that emphasises features that men find attractive is never an open invitation for sexual interactions. It might make potential lovers more likely to notice them and approach them, but what a woman wears has no affect on her right to choose who and what to consent to.

Tldr 'on the other hand' as a phrase implies you do not always hold the view that noone asks to be raped. Just as the classic "I'm not racist, but..." followed by some racist comment. The way a woman dresses is never an exuse for abuse.

 

I’m thinking this attitude describes completely why your sex life blows we don’t need to look any further. I highly recommend that you end things with your partner so she can find someone who appreciates her. You clearly see women solely as sexual objects and that’s the problem. Dress like they wanted to get fed really dude really?

 

First off, the language you use towards women could be a huge turn off for her. The language is not language that's used to make someone feel highly or valued. Slut is not a good term, and is there something wrong with women wanting sex? Because society really is screwed up when it comes to male and female sexuality. Both men and women have sex drives and have the right to put themselves out there and have whatever amount of partners they wish. There doesn't need to be name calling/shaming. And I agree with @GG2002 I think you need to step back and look at the way you view women (which probably has been warped from your addiction). Women are people, are equal to men. They are not sexual objects. Yes, I get that those outfits can be triggers. The key is to not look at the outfits, look at the face. Look at them as a whole person. That can take time, but that should be the goal.

If your GF senses that you're ogling all these girls and fantasizing about them that also might be why she doesn't want sex... not sure, just something to maybe talk about with her.

 

@TomMoin I'm glad you clarified you don't think any women want to get raped. I would suggest re-examining your thought patterns around women who want to look sexy causing you to relapse. People are going to dress the way they dress. You are the one in control of how you view women, and you are the one in control of YOU.

I think @AnonymousAnnaXOXO make some good points. I wonder what would happen if you tried to see the whole person and not just her body or her style of dress. Looking at faces seems like a good place to start.

I do think some honest discussion with your gf is a good idea. Maybe ask her how she's feeling, and really listen. Share how you're feeling. Be honest and vulnerable. That's how intimacy can be deepened.

Also, I just came across this and thought it belonged here. It could be edited to say, "Don't say anything to or about a woman..."

 

Well in those ages both of you should be like rabbits I understand your sex drive but don't understand her (low) sex drive in those ages, so maybe you should consider finding another girlfriend who has similar needs like you.

 

Honestly, it’s not that hard to understand at all. Stop believing all of the myths that TV and movies give people in the age range of 24-30. It varies among people. For some reason society seems to find it so hard that a lot of people in the 24+ Age group now have full time careers with lives. Also not to mention the fact that long term abuse of PMO increases ones sex drive to an unhealthy amount. I think the best advice would be for him to try to understand that. Having sex 2 times a week with your SO is not low at all. If it was 2 times a month, then I’d start to worry. Life gets in the way sometimes amongst other things. Also, if the SO happened to know that he was MOing without her that could also cause her an issue to not want to engage in sex more often.
People mature a lot differently. For me for example my sex drive was through the roof from 14-21. Then it slowed down a bit. It was only until I truly started to abuse PMO that it skyrocketed again. Once I had my first 60 day streak, it returned to normal and i was more than satisfied with 1-2 times a week.
I think the best advice would be for him to practice abstaining from MO for a while and wait to see what his normal drive is. For all we know it could turn out that 1-2 times a week is plenty. Society needs to learn on focusing on the relationship and not just sex.
If for some reason the SO didn’t want to have sex due to a different reason such as loss of attraction or cheating then yes I’d definitely recommend moving on without her. But if that is her normal drive, and he loves her, then what the heck kind of advice is that? It’s like “I love you so much! But you don’t give me sex as much as I want so it’s over.” Sounds pretty selfish to me.
Leave behind the “oh you’re 25 and should be going at it like rabbits.” It’s 2017 and that age group is justified to have Normal adult lives surrounded by family, work and friends. Not everything is about sex. Society needs to learn to have a relationship focused on the couple as a whole. Not just sex.

 

At least you’re trying to explain yourself and making the attempt to own up for bad wording on your part. I still think that both sides of this discussion are too heavily entrenched in a debate mindset to really try to understand each other.

I feel like your big miscue was making broad generalizations. For instance, saying women dress up to get banged. It was a broad-brushed (and subsequently wildly inaccurate) statement. While I don’t think it was necessary for someone to introduce the issue of rape into this discussion based solely on your generalization alone, this is what often happens when you don’t choose your words carefully. Anyone not engaged in ‘debate mode’ could understand your point was that, right or wrong, the way a lot of women dress triggers you to relapse. And anyone who is being objective will admit that some women do in fact dress provocatively to garner sexual attention. Does cause always equal effect? No. This isn’t an all-or-nothing issue, and certainly not an all-or-nothing world. But when you carelessly throw “hot take” commentary out there in an attempt to explain yourself, you’re going to get blowback. Your message gets lost in the sauce.

Now to the subject of your thread. I feel like there are two schools of thought regarding your issue. One is that it is you who has the disproportionately high sex drive due to PMO. The other is that your SO (significant other) just doesn’t have the same desire for sex as you do for a reason completely unrelated. If we were all to be completely fair here, none of us truly know if it’s one, the other, or both reasons for your issue. We think we know based only on our personal experiences, but you really haven’t given us enough information to be so sure about our assumptions of you. The only person on these forums who would know where this whole thing stands is you.

That’s where you need to ask yourself what factors you could have contributed to this. Do you consider that you could be a porn addict? What’s your history with PMO? Did you start to view porn regularly before your relationship or during? And if it’s the latter, have you seen changes to your sex drive in relation to your SO’s after your use? If you’ve quit porn because you realized you had a problem, have you done anything further to break the sexual pathways caused by PMO? As you can see, there are many questions you need to sort through and much self-reflection to do before you can just write off your end of the deal.

So if you’ve gotten to the point where you can honestly say that you’ve done everything you can do to not let your personal issues bleed into your out-of-sync sexual relationship with your SO, it’s ok to realize that some couples just aren’t sexually compatible when it comes to frequency, taste, or things of the like. But that’s also where you need to take inventory and decide how important sexual frequency is to the big picture of your relationship. If you love her unconditionally where sexual frequency is of lesser priority, you need to find a middle ground. And where you do that is from the basis of every good relationship: communication. So many relationships are saved by simple communication and it’s sad that it seems to have become a lost art of sorts. And look, if you’ve both talked it over and you’ve done everything you possibly can to resolve this issue, hard as it may be, sometimes it’s a signal to just move on with your lives.

That’s really all the advice I’ve got for you. I hope you take it and apply it to your situation. Best of luck to you.

 

Congratulations on 44 days, @TomMoin! Keep it going, and from what I've read on this forum, you'll continue to see improvements. Your brain is still rewiring. It's a GOOD thing!

Abstinence from PMO is important, and so is healing the underlying issue that led to the symptom of PMO. It self-medicates so one doesn't have to feel the emptiness or pain. So it sounds like you're poised to discover what is causing that and do some real healing. Have you tried therapy or meditation? (If you're new to meditation, it's better to have a teacher, in my experience.) Or workbooks? My bf is using the Out of the Shadows workbook by Patrick Carnes. There are many ways to heal; the important thing is finding what works best for you and doing the work.

It's normal to feel something pleasurable is missing after taking away the self-medication. This is your brain rewiring. Don't be afraid of it. You will adjust. It might take some time, but hang on. You can heal what underlies the addiction that provided temporary pleasure, and you can find true joy, of which you will see there is no comparison.

 

Most people say you need 90-120 days. Also realize that sex is usually only the beginning of a long term relationship. Afterwards is creating a home, raising children, succeeding in a career, growing wealth, getting old together, etc. etc. Think about the long term.

 

This is a great passage, @Torn.

Most resonant for me are the words, "Don't be afraid of it." Eight years of recovery from this addiction and I don't believe I have ever heard such a statement. Do not be afraid of the rewiring process. Of the sense of absence and loss and mourning that is very often part of this.

Your sage commentary makes me realize I have been - and am - afraid of this process. Can I do it? Can I take the ups and downs? Can I live with the missing? Can I be in this world without the management and escape provided by pmo? It also opens the door to the possibility I don't need to be quite so fearful.

 

Isn't it interesting that simply recognizing an emotion can alter our experience of it? In Buddhism, there is saying, "Attend and befriend" (our emotions and thoughts). There are meditations on how to do that. It might be worth looking into if you're so inclined. I can also recommend a teacher who has some great, free online meditations if you're interested. A couple of other sayings come to mind:

“If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you.” (Jesus)

What we resist, persists.

I'm wishing you the best as you adjust to your new, PMO-free life!

 

Indeed, @Torn. Indeed.

The opportunity to see this fear as fear is, in itself, transformative. With the clock of unconsciousness pulled back ever so slightly, there a kind of relaxation taking place. 'Oh I've been afraid' becomes an opportunity to welcome and to witness and to heal.

Many thanks.

 

All of these comments about fear....I have come to the realization over the last 4 days since I discovered NoFap that my fear is increasing. But I think it's healthy fear.

I think I have been overconfident .. in lots of ways: concerning my progress with overcoming PMing / concerning my 20-year marriage .... I think I am starting to feel really afraid that my wife will leave me. But I think that is a better place to be--vulnerable and unsure of the future--than to be overconfident.

Does that make sense?

 

In my own case, fear was one of many things I covered up with pmo. Take away the pmo and it makes sense fear and those other things would be there waiting. This certainly matches my experience.

 

trigger alert .lol