So This Is Where I Am

Sometimes, a daily ritual such as FANOS or a modified version of it, can help with expressing emotions and fostering intimacy.

Just a thought, and have a GREAT weekend!

 

@Haggis !! Good to see you !! You know you're not alone. Even before we all speak up. We're with you; solidarity, brother. The parts of this whole nasty problem we've all shared in various facets do leave us broken. So what, do we stay broken? No. No! I'm still here, same as you are. And, I'm super proud of you, kind sir. I've literally checked this site dozens of months and always had an eye out for your progress and I'm so very happy to find you exactly where you are. Truth.

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On the rocket, there's no point waving a flag around like a count of days when I still have the same seed of evil within, as it were, and totally sneak a peek at psubs with subconscious surfing of trashy sites. Alexander set a great example for all of us in this with his statement about not finding it useful to count days. Personally, I do want the addict dead, but really the battle and constant struggling leaves us drained. There are ashes and bruises and wounds and fragments of soul disconnected and incongruent -- difficult to reassemble and function as if we're then magically "normal". Because maybe we're not. But, our capacity for compassion, our humility, our humanity, our heart and soul.. these things are all improved. And, yes, I see all of that in you as being vastly improved in recovery.

You can read that as I think you're in a wonderful position to be the ultimate husband, bonded to your wife on every imaginable level with true love and true strength and magnificent contributions to the world as you share your lives together.

Surviving is paramount, don't get me wrong. Be so very glad you have a marriage at all, and are able to work on actual happiness (which is how I'd put it), instead of just barely surviving. The singular and exemplary bravery of your wife makes you two literal NoFap beacons of hope. Being here is one thing, seeing your true worth and placing you above her pain, that's an amazing thing. I know because I recognize that's what happened to me; dragged out of ashes and muck into paradise. You were a great example, too. You brought literally everything to the altar as you sought redemption. Don't give up now. Appreciate all that you have. Maybe not logically counting blessings, maybe I mean /feel/ it. Bask in and be mindful of all that you have accomplished. There are always more steps to take until our dying day. Keep up the journey. You're in a far and fair country compared to a habitually relapsing beginner on this path.

I doubt something like a daily commitment to posting is what you need. It might even be detrimental. Maybe weekly? Perhaps only monthly with some weekly lurking? Not everyone is cut out for some kind of nofap missionary service after recovery. But, as you keep talking on your own schedule, I'm just *certain* you're going to hear some great advice and gradually rebuild your relationship. We all have deeper issues, as you quite well realize. And, we love you and one another still. In those close personal environments, be what your wife needs. Today. And, plan to be better still tomorrow. Returning isn't about tails high or low, it's about sharing pain and victory and just being friends. I'd love to hang with you in real life. Years online has to count for something. A truer person wasn't met. Huge happiness is all we wish for you. We're not marriage counselors, but many of us have great marriages and have ways that we approach nurturing our relationships. Wives can be resilient when we need them to be, but let us always respect their nature and provide for their welfare at every possible level.

Taking things in stride might be easiest to discuss by relating it to how I'm a perfectionist. More about me, right? Ha. There's a point here. See, it's a problem; not like an OCD nonfunctional problem -- just a general / common obstacle. Easy to say, harder to be (perfectionist). Easy to draw a box around people and call them names. This totally isn't as bad as the naysayers would have others believe just because they don't like working for someone like me, without asking why so many businesses or departments are run by the same types of dude. There's reasons and roles for all different types of people; I'm a firm believer in that. Well, one thing about /not/ being easy-going is that it's all too common that I notice what I myself am doing wrong. I may not technically be my worst critic, because I have an ex and her family for that (sort of haha), but I can definitely always find things that aren't going all that well. Do you think it's reasonable that I'm seeing some of that in you? I don't mean where you're listening to your wife about needing her husband back -- not my point. I mean you noticing personal shortcomings. Do you notice progress? Now that you're 90% cured, can you appreciate the canyon-wide gulf you've crossed. Surely you realize others would be jealous of all you've accomplished; not to gloat, but to realize it's all working. Can you acknowledge where you truly are at this moment? This is a major challenge we perhaps share. Here I think it's all cool to be self-critical but then the myopia of mind is so very strange that I can't see two feet back in time, much less a mile to the much worse places I used to be. Philosophically speaking, this sounds ridiculous; to be perfectly aware of shortcomings but unaware that the pebbles in the path I'm examining are now sand on the shores of tropical paradise compared to the steps of doom that paved the roads of my life a decade ago. How to gain distance from that in how I actually feel, that's what's difficult. Gathering pieces broken out of the past and not leaving myself in shambles. We don't outgrow ourselves. We make choices like a tree sapling finding the light.

Sincerest of salutes.

 

@Haggis,

Hello there,

I'm one of the people that you helped support a long time ago, and I would say that it's a good time to come back to NoFap. When it comes to your situation, what I can understand is that pride is getting in your way of a true recovery because you're finding it difficult to reform ingrained habits as a result of your upbringing, and way of growth throughout life. I also understand the repression of emotion.

Addressing the first problem that I see, is the issue of pride. To me, pride is something to throw away in-order to foster a healthy relationship with any family member. Family should be out to help each other, and there should be nothing making it so that pride should get in the way of that. Stubbornness is seemingly, a subset of pride as well. Through my attempts to bettering my relationship with my mother, I realize that she's only looking out for me, and that I need to lower my "shields" in-order to be able to understand that.

I need to understand that pride doesn't matter in the relationship between me, and my mother. This is only my opinion, but what good does pride do? It's all in our heads anyway.

Secondly, the repression of emotion is something that I can empathize with very well. You're finding a very suitable outlet as a way to express yourself on this platform, I would say. Hopefully, things keep on going well as you find more time to communicate with your wife through your journal until you can muster the strength to eventually move your musings from the digital, to the physical.

By using your mouth.

It isn't easy to confide in professionals who are practically strangers making money off of your woes in many cases, so I would say that you ought to have a best friend somewhere in your life who can take you for you. Since it doesn't seem to be easy with your wife, I'm hoping you have someone else you can talk to frankly, and without reservation.

That's been the best way for me so far, and even then I have trouble unloading myself emotionally since I'm still adjusting myself to who I am without pornography: my personality at its core without porn to taint it.

I hope that what I wrote was able to help you, seeing how it's the very least I could do since you helped me once in the past.

Let me know what else I can do to help you.

Good luck, and godspeed, dear Haggis.