Finally seeking a route to get out of this habit.

Currently 24 years old. Been viewing pornography since an early age of 10 or 11. Was not purposely introduced or anything. Just some locker room talk in middle school about viewing some body parts on late night television. So, of course, I dove in and thats where this downhill journey began. I constantly viewed every late night show I could get my hands on. I started watching it with one of my male buddies. We would masturbate together underneath separate blankets and none of this seemed weird or wrong to either or us. This then turned into a much more hardcore addiction with the internet being so prevalent and easily accessible. We then got our hands on some vhs and dvds which we could watch at our own leisure.
Growing into the "normalcy" of porn started to numb my mind and body. My high school girlfriend and I broke up after our senior year of highschool (whom I had lost my virginity too). It was a nasty, slobberknocker of a breakup. She had been rumored to have been sleeping with some of my close friends to get back at me. Which I then turned around and blocked every single person out and started fresh with new friends.
I dove deeper into my addiction when I started into a new relationship that was sexually dull and boring. I replaced my feelings with porn and was reluctant to leave the volatile relationship because I did not want to break this girls heart. I saw better things on my laptop than what were right in front of me. I could make myself feel things that I wanted to, when I wanted to. This is really where my addiction truly started to take over my life.
I broke up with that girl and was single for a while. Viewed porn around 2/3 times a day. Did not hurt my social life or anything like that. So why bother trying to fix anything?

I then started seeing this girl. She was a few years younger than me and had a RAGING sex drive. She was hiding her daddy problems with having sex. As the months went on it basically turned into her coming over to have sex with me and leave. So I then again, turned to my porn addiction and started using. A lot. She caught wind and was, for some reason, excited that I had been looking and wanted to "view" together. This drove me even further down the spiral since it was not the self gratification that I had longed for. I then found some "cam" sites. Which I had grew fond of a particular girl and frequented her room. Only paid money once as a joke. She then invited me to cam with her as she cammed to the public. I agreed and then that had become a regular happening. It had become part of my daily routine. I fell so deeply into this addiction that I would have multiple browsers open just to feed my addiction.
This went on for more than a few months and never really stopped.
I then broke up with my real life girlfriend and started hanging out with some new people. They were christians and invited me over to their house to hangout. They were concerned about me and my well being since I had tumbled down a great hole into depression. I often times thought about ending my life for no apparent reason.
This is where I turned my life around and found Christ. I started to go to church and frequented bible studies. I learned and grew in the Word at a pretty advanced rate. I read about adultery in the flesh and in the eyes. This made sense to me. I then felt a great deal of overwhelming sadness for any female I ever laid eyes on in a wrong light. I felt like I had betrayed my God who had given me life.
This is where I quit cold turkey. My urges almost died over night. I did not have to masturbate to go to sleep at night. I did not have to check up on any porn forums to see the latest thread or posts. I finally felt at ease and free.
I then started talking to a cute christian girl who ended up becoming my amazing wife. She is the epitome of a Godly woman. She is encouraging and empowering. She thoroughly loves me for who I am and not who I have been. We started dating and she was unaware of my past porn addiction. I hadn't really told her everything that had happened in my life since it was my past-life that did not mean anything to me anymore.
Then, out of nowhere the urges started randomly coming back. At least once a week they would show their ugly faces. I held off for several months until finally I cracked. Every once in a while I would view and masturbate without her knowing.
We then got married and moved out of our apartment to a new house. This addiction continued all the way through our marriage. We have been married for over two years now. She still does not know that I view porn. Until recently it had been on a once a month basis. Within the past two weeks it has hit me like an absolute freight train. I cannot function without viewing it. It is all that I think about. Every single one of my triggers have shown up and I have been ran over. I cannot stand to be like this anymore. I cannot stand to be this person anymore. I cannot stand to sit here and lie to my wife anymore.
It came to a point where I started blaming my porn addiction on our two eptopic pregnancies that were four months apart. I somehow felt that God had been punishing me through my wifes pain and anguish. Which I then dove deeper into a secret life of viewing porn. It is the only way I know how to deal with my depression. She had questioned me about it and I came clean to her that I had viewed porn because of the whole situation. I did not tell her that it has been a decade worth of situation.
This past week has been a horrendous one. We found out that she is pregnant (with a healthy baby) and we are in the process of adopting a 5 month of baby boy. I feel as if all of this will be taken away if I refuse to squash this addiction right where is lays. I need to find comfort in knowing that I am not being punished and that this is all an addiction. I know I need to break this. I just need to know how. I do not want to crush my wife with telling her the truth. I would much, much rather figure this out on my own and conquer this like the man I need to be.

I need an out. I need a forever escape.

 

I just realized that I typed a whole novel. Sorry for the long read. I highly doubt anyone will actually make it through! haha

 

Thank you for reading. I can honestly say this is the hardest thing I have ever faced in my life. You would not expect it just from coming a computer screen. I am seeking alternative routes to cage and dismember this beast that rages inside of me. I have looked to X3, the anti-porn app. Im looking all over. If you have any suggestions it would be GREATLY appreciated!

 

Your last reply was perfect! I've read before on how pornography effects the brain and how my body "justified" viewing/acting out to porn by a "release". I am just now, after multiple years, going to fight this beast head on. Is there any preparation that you might suggest? Any passages that stuck out to you personally?