402 days, relapsed, now 33 NO PMO

So, here's my story.

I discovered NoFap in May of 2016. Went 402 days no PMO and had one of the best 13 months of my life.

How did i relapse?
I work with a spiritual director and I have been able to talk face to face about my struggle with porn. But at a certain point I withheld info from my spiritual director about flirting with a woman at work. I didn't think that it mattered, but over a few weeks I felt a disconnection from myself, from my honesty with my spiritual director, and from the woman at work.

At the end of June I was out to dinner and had wine with dinner. Alcohol had not been a problem over the 13 months, but this night I had a harsh temptation. I went to take a cold shower because the urge was strong - and then made the decision to give up.

It took me 4 months to figure out what happened. I would go 10 days, 11 days 20 days, and I could not get back on track. My sensitivity to life was slipping away again and I hated it.

Finally, one morning, it hit me that I had withheld information from my spiritual director. (We are as sick as our secrets.) It was a Saturday morning, and i got to my director the following Tuesday. I was honest and felt a huge darkness lift. It was the darkness of isolation.

Since then, I have been very focused and motivated.

1. I went back to cold showers on day 3. On my first run, I did 100 days and it helped me to exercise my executive brain over the limbic brain's desire for warm water.

2. I got back to speaking with authority to the urge "no, this is not an option".

3. I watch where my imagination wanders as well as my eye.

4. I am careful with media. TV and internet are chock full of triggers, and i try not to wander around. I know where I'm going - get in and get out.

4. Prayer. Daily.

5. I see spiritual director once a month. Trying to be honest and real.

I am much more humble this time around. I let my pride take control and I my confidence was unstable.

I look at this as a learning experience. Tough lesson to learn that I must always remain a student.

I hope this helps someone out there who is struggling to get back on track.

GOD'S PEACE!

 

Thanks for sharing your experience. It's good to hear from someone who has had a long no PMO run and struggled to get back up.
Getting back up after a long no PMO run is challenging. I knew that I was capable of living without PMO because of a 402 day run, but enjoyed the immediate pleasure of PMO when I relapsed, forgetting the long term consequences. It was so tempting to go back "one more time" before "detoxing" from PMO. It's like you know that you will feel MUCH better after reboot but you want one more PMO session before you let your brain heal. It's extremely self-destructive.

Making a list of losses can help through those times. Write down your experience of shame, regret, loss of time, productivity, opportunity, anxiety, despair... you name it. It's a great list to keep when you want "just one more". It places you in the future, past the "one more time" and IN the pain associated with that list. As it hits the limbic brain, the pain overpowers the PMO pleasure memory urge/temptation that is fighting to take the driver's seat.

The limbic urge, when you think about it, can be halted by the fear of suffering. That limbic brain survival part will release focus on pleasure if the consequence of suffering is strong. The more detailed the list of consequences, the better.

For example, if you were mentally struggling with PMO, and a fire broke out in your kitchen, you would stop thinking of PMO and address the fire. The list of consequences is "the fire in the kitchen". When I'm struggling, and I bring up a consequence, I focus on "the fire", the list, and the urge fades - because the fear of pain overrides the desire for pleasure.

Hope this helps!
GOD'S PEACE!!!

 

Thanks for the encouragement. I appreciate that the story is a link in your browser. Made my day that my experience can help someone.

To answer your question, my focus is getting free from the grip of this addiction. I have objectified women so that I could get that neuro-chemical hit for a huge portion of my life - in relationship and in using pornography / masturbation. My focus is freedom.

GOD'S PEACE!

 

Challenging night last night. I am ending a week of a lot of accomplishments at work, and these are the times when I am most vulnerable. My drive to "reward" myself with PMO was STRONG, but i did not fall.

Most of the time I feel like I have another task to accomplish and the stress keeps me focused on the task- I don't want to slip with PMO because of a lingering anxiety about my what still needs to be done.

But when I do accomplish a string of tough things and I feel good about it, that's when I tend to let my guard down. Last night I felt very vulnerable to a fall. This is what I did:

1. First of all, I prayed. I prayed hard for God's power to fill me. I said that I do not want to fall. Give me strength.

2. I started going through a list of natural consequences of i slipped - and that helped a lot.

3. Cold shower helped.

4. I was going to have 1 drink with dinner and I avoided that too because of my vulnerability.

5. I checked out this site, used emergency app.

6. I watched a YouTube nofap video.

7. I went to sleep listening to a lengthy talk online. It engaged my intellect and kept my addict voice from intruding, but the talk wasn't so engaging that it kept me up. I went back and reviewed the talk, realizing that I fell asleep within 2 minutes - I remember no content after 2 minutes. I had played the talk on my phone and turned the light down so that it would not wake me .

I woke up several times from dreams that were wacky but not tempting.

This morning, I feel great. I am grateful to God that I did not slip and feel like I burned a new neuro-pathway for solving a problem.

Overall- I really need to make better plans on nights like that - to connect with others. What I want, after accomplishing a lot, is to reward myself with connection. And last night I thought decompressing by myself would restore me, warchumg college football. What i learned is that i do need time to decompress alone, but if I do that after a tough week, I seem to struggle.

I hope my experience helps!

GOD'S PEACE!!!

 

Crap.

I woke up about 20 minutes ago and slipped. I had been fighting over the weekend and using my resources. Then I woke up vulnerable and slipped. I was fully awake. Waking up vulnerable has always been a weak spot for me. Crap.

I want to learn and grow from this. I need to report early to avoid binging and hiding away. The quicker that I get refocused the better. The quicker that I'm accountable the better.

GOD'S PEACE

 

Thanks for the response. You summed it up well, "indifferent". I know that my conscious mind is not fully awake, considering consequences and plans.

The alarm idea is good too.

Thanks!

 

That's a good idea.

Actually, wake up in morning is not so much of an issue. For me. It's wake up in the middle of the night , like 1230am.

But that idea is good for morning wake up at 530a. Thanks!

 

Chaser effect from previous night's slip. Masturbation once but no pornography.

Not giving up here! Staying accountable.

GOD'S PEACE