Back after a 4 year relapse

Hey everyone. Here's a little about me. I'm a 26 year old engineering student who recently just transferred to a new school as a junior. Throughout my whole college career, and certainly long before, I've been using porn as a crutch to get me through life. Whether I was stressed, lonely, angry, happy, sad, or just bored, porn's always been there for me. And it's been keeping me prisoner for far too long.

I gave up trying to quit 4 years ago. I had tried so hard before. The first time I really tried was back when nofap was still a wee little subreddit. But after failing over and over and growing tired of the guilt and the pain, I just said, "fuck it. This is part of me and I can be a normal functioning person with it." By owning it, I'd be in control and not the other way around. Well, it took me 4 years to discover just how wrong I've been. Four god-damn years...

In community college, I did just fine with my addiction. I made a few friends (while still being the timid little "man" that I was) and I managed to do incredibly well in school. I graduated with my associates degree at the top of my class. 4.0, baby. But after I moved to attend my current school, all the damage porn had caused was laid bare.

Before, I was a big fish in a little pond. Now I'm a small fish in a big pond. I'm surrounded by people who make my definition of excellence look like a pitiful gold star in kindergarten. These people are smart, driven, assertive, dominant. True leaders. Me? I'm a moderately intelligent beta. Furthermore, I don't know anyone and trying to make friends in this state of meekness is next to impossible. The meek command no respect from strangers. And it's even worse when you're 26, older than most grad students, and all of your classmates are 18-21. I'm so much older, so much more mature, responsible, and seasoned to the struggles of being an adult. That should be worn on the sleeve and others should recognize it without having to spell it out for them.

That's what this addiction has taken from me. My confidence, my respect, my authority, my ambition, my drive, my social skills. When I was 18, before my addiction had really manifested, things were so different. Other than being a teenager, I had none of those problems. I had friends, confidence, "coolness"... It was all stolen from me.

I want it back. And I'm going to fucking take it.

I am like unto Theoden, King of Rohan, and porn is Wormtounge whispering in my ear. It has left me a shell of the man I was to be.
But I will rise again. (And so will you.)

(A little LOTR plug for all you nerds out there )

 

Thanks, so am I!

 

I'm still trying to figure that out. I'm really excited to utilize Nofap once again. Isolation feeds addiction, and pornography addiction is the most hungry of all. Overcoming this alone hasn't ever worked but I believe with help and support it is possible.
But other than that I'm trying to be conscious of triggers. And when I know I'm trying to trigger myself. I think I'm just going to get up and leave my apartment when that happens. Being alone at that time can be dangerous

 

Thanks for the thoughtful reply DJ. That's a great post with a lot of good information that I know I'll be visiting again soon. As for the why, I know why. This addiction has had me living my life as a victim. It's the one thing that still ties me to something very painful from my past and that's why I need to beat this. Until I do, I will never be free and I will never be the best form of myself that I know I can be.

 

@D.J. That's definitely good advice. I think I want to pick up exercising as an alternative to dealing with my issues. That way I can turn the destructive times of my life into times for growth. I need new, better habits to break the cycle and heal