Is it wrong to be reminded of how much pain you caused your SO?

Just so I am clear, I have 7+ years free from pornography. I lied to my wife many times, thousands, to cover my ass. Telling her or any woman the quote I posted above is going to cause more harm than good. Period.

If I run over you with a garbage truck, and never really make it clear that I did something wrong and that I need to invest significant time, effort, and energy in repairing the relationship. Then it is OK and healthy for you to bring it to my attention. There isn't a statute of limitations on this. If I hurt you through porn or stealing or calling you fat, then you can at any point come back and say "I don't think you get how much pain you caused me". This is not vindictive, when there is evidence for the injured party that real change has not occurred.

Can someone come from a vindictive place with this? Sure. But guess what, if you lie a thousand times, a thousand and one apologies is the beginning of the healing process.

Also, if this keeps coming up in your relationship then your betrayed spouse has not really been validated in the pain they felt. Yes, it is terrible to hear how my actions hurt my wife, I don't like the guy that I was. But telling her to stop talking about it because "It has been x days" or "I took a polygraph", is the same as saying "Shut up, I don't want to talk about it". I know because I did this for 3 or 4 years after quitting porn. You have to listen and embrace her pain to make it better.

 

^^^THIS. YES.

And there's a tremendous difference between abstinence/sobriety and true recovery. I noticed how things are now *just starting* to shift for my husband who's been clean for 20+ months. He started recovery a few months ago.

Blaming the injured spouse is abusive. It takes a stand-up man to admit his problem, take ownership for the pain they caused, and work on themselves and their relationship.

 

This.
I don't think we would have finally made it through the last year and a half of his journey without him embracing this mentality.
I believe, personally, it helped him not feel lonely also when it came to his journey and internal urges because I was able to be more present for him.
It was when this happened, I started to heal.
When he stops doing this even the slightest, I have bad days.
He's getting better at this tho.
He's able to recognize what he is doing and be empathetic.
I think once you get here... It gets easier.
Every man can be the stand up man...
A man of integrity.
It's a matter of when they want to.

 

That's true --- when they want to, and when they choose to do the work. True recovery is hard work. Every man CAN be a man of integrity and a man who sincerely acknowledges his wife's pain (or partner's pain). They can help each other heal.

The reality is that there is no going back to how things used to be. This is a new reality. I will never unconditionally trust my husband again, especially with finances. Frankly, I was too trusting and naive. I never in a million years thought he would do what he confessed.

Now I have a new reality and I am moving forward. My husband is still learning how to have empathy for me. It's going to take a lot of work, but at least he "gets it" now --- that it's something to work on. I respect him for facing the hard work.

 

He's almost 90 days in, just let it go.

 

The reminder is a good thing. It's human nature to get angry when confronted but he may thank you in the end.

 

90 days is commendable ... but it's just scratching the surface when this is likely an addiction that's been going on for several years, and possibly decades.

I can't imagine ever telling a SO to "just let it go" because someone was clean for 90 days. I know a guy in my SAA group who's taken a 5-year chip on three different occasions. Meaning he was clean for 5 years, and then relapsed. Clean for another 5 years, then relapsed again.

This addiction can come back with a serious vengeance if you're not careful.