PA do you ever really forget?

My SO sometimes "ouches" now.
Honestly?
It makes me feel better to know he has a Saw and jumped out of "it's" way.
Maybe just me tho, and where I am in my own healing.

 

Honestly?
I've never forgotten.
I try to... It's almost impossible.
My SO wants to take our kids to Disneyland or some shit...
But every time he says that...
All I see is those 21 videos our daughter discovered.
All in a row.
If we ever Did make it to Disneyland I'd probably puke.
Just, like everywhere.
I'd puke my guts out.
I'd puke til I passed out.
I'd simply vomit all over Princess Aurora and her stupid pink n*** because every time he says "Disneyland" and "kids" in the same sentence all I get is this horrible image of him and I hear our fight in my head...
Then I want to just puke on his face.
Everytime.
It's one of my worst triggers.
Still.
It was one of our first D-days.
And he just doesn't see how This is a good idea.
It's f***in Disneyland Right?
What kid doesn't want to go to Disneyland?

 

That would make me feel better, too. My bf says he has no clue he's stared and ogled when it's not just me that's seen him doing it. So, that worries me because either 1. he's lying or 2. he IS unaware and therefore doesn't know to jump out of "its" way.

 

My SO didn't know. It was one of the last things to "go"

 

I'd like to add another angle to the 'triggers' discussion, as I don't think i saw it mentioned here in detail. A lot of my triggers, like @Kenzi was talking about Disney, is anything that reminds me of a D-Day we've had or anything that makes me remember a specific instance of PMO use that we have discussed, especially those which have hurt more than others.

For example, in my specific instance, my engagement ring is a trigger for me. I am not currently wearing it, and he understands that choice. It is a trigger because the day he asked my father's permission to marry me (we're both pretty traditional in this way), he also then went to his parents house afterwards and looked at a sub-reddit of girls posting nudes. I found this out the next morning when I was suspicious of how he was acting and checked his phone, and Reddit was still open, as was his order confirmation for my engagement ring. Needless to say, the proposal was supposed to be a surprise. So, after that D-Day when he promised me that the lies would stop, and I said yes to his proposal, he ended up lying again and the cycle continued. After that, every time I'd look at my engagement ring I'd feel not happiness, but shame and regret. That is just one of my triggers. I couldn't, and still can't, understand why he couldn't just hold back and think of me and only me, on a night that important.

As far as him being able to forget, my fiance has undiagnosed ADHD. I specify undiagnosed because I understand that it can't really be taken as fact. But his whole life, people have recognized symptoms of it. According to what he's said, he is able, most of the time, to forget specific images that he's seen. However, he sometimes recognizes vague images that pop up in his mind of specific sexual acts that he finds attractive (for him it's blowjobs). Sometimes it's from P, sometimes it's imagining me doing it. But he said it's gotten a lot better since he's been really trying to replace those images with more constructive behavior. I'll ask him later this specific question and see what he says about it.

 

Yeah. There, in the sacred place. See, I'm very much into being careful with words. Generally, not talking amongst the ladies at all, for one thing. Sorry that skittishness begat unclarity. Avoid the appearance of impropriety. Even in this crazy place where others must speak of the worst forms of degradation to help find peace, and where I am willing to return because it's so very vital that you all do not give up. Or the world would be doomed, indeed.

Hopefully, the outright questions will fade over time as you see effort. Perversion has no place in our relationships. I expressed my struggle as the self-analytical type. I'd rather back away from the edge than know where it is. Others may not realize it or require a mirror to be held up for them. But, definitely do NOT tolerate debasement, perversion, or odd deviations from what should be sacred. The things we hear about others enduring, we have to eschew in the pursuit of that truly honorable relationship that is required for any/all to feel fulfilled. Stay magical and have virtuous goals. Don't think I imply anything whatsoever about all the ways affection and pure love may be physically expressed. Not talking specifics. It's different for everyone, and no one else's business. However, if you feel a line is being crossed, there should be no hesitation on the husband's part to /completely/ respect you. How would you have been treated if the PA disease had not entered into your relationship? Well, that's how it should be. End of counseling sermon

It can and will. That was the point of my imposition on your thread. I'm here to certify that it can absolutely happen. With effort, with time, with emotional investment in forgiveness and healing both sides. Unfortunately, probably with even more time after that. Strategies like lights and so forth are just tools. Strategies like better communication, understanding of our spouse's weaknesses, being supportive -- all just ways that we get there.

I'd like to clarify that I do not tell myself. I am not delusional or hesitant. It's like a physiological impulse at this stage in the game. Because I've literally suffered for half a lifetime. Freedom from those chains is priceless to me. It's more like PTSD. There is zero allure. "Could" I fall? Well, sure, but that's a different thing, that's the power of the drug. I intend to prove that I *won't* fall, though - not ever again. So, my OUCH? It's involuntary and not contrived. It's not convoluted or logical, it's a symptom of a long journey to abandon evil. It is, in short, disgust. (Maybe half with my former self.)

May I please repeat:
Ladies, don't torture yourself unnecessarily.
It's not a thing. There's a reason he's married to you. Because you're awesome and his shining star, the moon that bathes his night in glory. Let's rather appreciate that you still have him and didn't lose the guy entirely. Help rebuild him. Yeah, he'll owe you. Let him owe you. You do deserve better, and the insecurities will also fade, even if far after his issues are resolved. Stay the course. Invest in the future. Our potential in relationships is infinite, meant to last forever. It will be worth it. But, yes, massive apologies and regret and appreciation for forgiveness. Always.

 

My husband's phone is a huge trigger for me because that is where he looked at it all. It bothers me every time I see it. Another one is a certain app, where he hid photos, called the secret calculator app. It just looked like a calculator app but was far more. Now, every time I need to use my calculator app (which I have realized is a lot!) I get disgusted because I saw all the pics in there. That is how I confronted him and how I discovered the whole PA.

 

Yeah but you can see what each app isin "manage apps"

 

I found it because he was signed in on another device and it showed up there, not hidden away in a folder... That moment I discovered that, I had no idea what it was but knew he was obviously hiding something. That app has the ability to send the photos, message with people, etc. I was in a car, on a 6 hour drive, to Thanksgiving dinner when discovering that. The kids were in the car, so I couldn't say anything. I couldn't until after Thanksgiving dinner... faking it all damn day with all the family around... when we went out alone for some black friday shopping. So it is all super triggering for me. And we are doing that exact same thing this holiday (traveling to parents, dinner, etc.) and I know I will be triggered. It is going to be a shitty day. So, i guess that is a good example of triggering, too.

 

Especially in regards to scenes I watched many times, I don't think it's possible to forget the imagery, but that doesn't mean it will always be powerful. I, too, can remember images I saw when I was an adolescent--some were even in magazines I stole from my father's stash. I felt drawn to the images and the women in them, and they're probably in my brain forever, though they don't hold any power these days, and I might not even find those same women attractive today.

 

Yeah. We are going to the same place this year, or that is the plan. I sat in the car with him and confronted him there in the parking lot of the shopping center we will be at again this year.
It doesn't help that I love BF, Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday and has been all my life, and my birthday is then, too. It ruined all that. Well, it ruined a ton, but that particularly hurts and made it all a trigger.