Should I tell my wife

Well, I never was married but I am sure it would help you much to talk with your wife. When she recognizes your sincere effort to get rid of addiction she should accept your journey. Most wives do and they support their husband. Good luck!

 

Is your wife aware that you look at porn? If so, I'm sure she will appreciate the effort.

My wife was not aware that I was using porn and masturbating. When i told her she was shocked, but appreciated the honesty. I told her that I was going to give it up, and of course she supported that. Every once in a while she will check in with me, and I give her an honest answer. So my experience has been positive with telling my wife.

You know your relationship, so you need to base your decision on that.

 

Honesty is the best policy as they say, and I know a lot of wives rather be involved with recovery than not involved. And addiction is a disease of disconnection, so what better way to connect than to try to be open with your wife and see her as a source of support and love? If she is aware of the PMO addiction then I am sure you offering more knowledge is better than leaving her second-guessing. I know my husband lied in fear that I would leave, and when I found out, I stayed, supported him and encouraged him (even if I was hurt). But I know about addiction so I was able to separate his actions from me a little easier. I don't know your wife or how she feels, but if you think it won't add pressure, and will add support I say let her in on the process.

 

I did talk to my wife about having issues with PMO. She knew about my PMO, and since she is not stupid, knew that it was a problem before I admitted it to myself. PMO was never really a secret, but PMO being a problem was never discussed before and telling my wife made it easier for me I think. But you do know your wife and relationship better than anybody on this board...

 

Be open, and use that extra support system. If you truly have the drive to change, then I'm sure your wife can understand.

 

Speaking with someone you love always helps. It also gives the urges less power (so to speak imo). I'm new to the site but I've attempted reboots before. All in secret, and they were never succesful past 2 weeks. I'm on 37 days at the moment and would not have gone past 15 days without support.

 

Truth is easier than a lie. Honesty is telling the whole truth, rather than parts of the truth.

I’ve been reading the posts on the togethernessproject.org and this sentence really resonated with me, and relates to your post.

“True oneness in marriage is only possible when a couple shares the same reality and has no secrets.”

 

Dude I don't even need to read the rest of your post. Yes, for f*cks sake yes. Don't cut yourself off from what could be your greatest cheerleader!

 

Of course it is better, not only for your struggle, but also for your relationship with your wife, which will be rebuilt on steady foundations!!

Good luck on your reboot!!

 

A word of caution: some women react extremely unwell to the news that their husband or boyfriend has been looking at porn behind their backs, which is understandable, however do not put that kind of stress on your wife unless you think she can handle it and if it is absolutely necessary for your recovery. Otherwise, you could be unknowingly placing your burden on your wife's shoulders, which might make you feel better, but it might also totally devastate her. It depends on the woman. Always consider the consequences and your wife's emotions before making these type of decisions. We addicts don't always think these things through.

 

You don't say whether a) your wife knows that you did PM, and you are only thinking of telling her that you no longer do that; or b) she doesn't know yet, and you would be telling her both that you did PM but also that you have now stopped.

If (as I suspect) it's the former, then I would absolutely tell her, for several reasons.

If it's the latter, then I'm not sure (in fact I'm debating this myself). I think there is a difference between honesty, as in not lying or cheating, and 'extreme honesty', as in volunteering information that may not be necessary, and which may have negative consequences when disclosed. Look it at this way: I currently believe that my wife has never cheated on me; I cannot of course be 100% sure, but absent evidence to the contrary, and because I know she loves me and wouldn't want to hurt me, that is what I believe. If she were to tell me this evening that last year she had a one-night-stand or a short affair with someone, but that it is truly over and never to be repeated, and she just wanted to confess it in the interests of complete transparency, I'm not sure I would want her to do that. Afterwards, she might feel better for having got it off her chest, but at what cost? I would have been hurt. I might struggle to trust her going forward. It could even end up breaking our marriage, you never know. How would any of that be an improvement over my current state of blissful ignorance?

 

Here here to this! Early in my recovery, I made a spur of the moment admission to my wife that (1) was outside the kind of details we agreed to share and (2) really hurt her. In my mind I was all, 'I feel good about recovery. I feel good about how we're working with this. I feel close to you' - so I blurted it out.

One may ask, 'What's the big deal?' Well, look at each of those statements: I, I and I again.

Following @darknight 's insightful suggestion, give yourself some time to consider this situation from all sides. Ask what might be best for you, certainly. But also ask what might be best for your SO and what might be best for your relationship. And remember: What you decide now need not be the case forever; things do change...

 

I can only talk from my experiences. As someone who is not from a place blissful ignorance, I had to fight to get the truth. I knew what I knew, something was off. I have a really good intuition and I know my husband is not a good at withholding the truth. The deeper he went and the secrets the worst he became. Gaslighting is horrible to do to someone even from a place of “softening the blow” such as my hubby. As they say the road to hell is paved with good intentions. He created far more damage thinking in that way.
Some people would rather stay ignorant and pretend it doesn’t exist that is their choice. I can not do that.
I will state it again as I firmly believe from my experiences and those close to me. The only person who has the right to make that decision is the SO otherwise you are making the decision for them for your own reasons and controlling the damage.
For me there is huge difference between thinking about and acting on. To have honest communication about both is equally important. The first helps to prevent and the second is repairing.

 

This!! ^^^ Exactly, this should be kept in mind. Gaslighting, lying, abuse, those are the things that are so much worse than actually finding out your partner/husband is watching porn or escalating.

For me, if my husband had told me in one sitting what he had been doing, I would have felt so much better because I knew something was off as well, and I was driving myself crazy trying to figure it out.

Absolutely 100% agree. To me, I actually for a time thought my husband trapped me in the relationship with him because he didn't give me a choice to make as to whether I wanted to be in that relationship. We had just signed a year lease together, he knew about his addiction I didn't, and a month into our lease I found everything, and this was also after we got a kitten together that fell in love with him, and I felt like I couldn't leave. I felt he had actively trapped me into the relationship and that was what I was angry with. I told him I wished he let me know about that before we signed a lease and got a pet together, those are big commitments and I didn't have all the knowledge to make an accurate decision. Now we are married and happy, but at the time I felt really deceived by him, and that was what was hurtful. I told him he had no right to take my decisions away from me, and that is what he had done by lying, gaslighting, and making me think I was losing my mind only to later find out my instincts were correct the entire time.


In truth, the porn hurt, but the lying, gaslighting, taking my decisions for me... that was where the real long-term damage came from. But we are 1.5 years into him being clean, and we are good, we feel close and trust is actively being rebuilt. I honestly can say that I am happy that I chose to marry my husband and work through this with him, but it only worked because he vowed to be honest and work on recovery, and that is usually what saves the relationship, two people being equally committed to the rebuilding.