My Struggle

Hi everyone, I don’t know why it took me so long to finally start an account here. I suppose I thought that I could beat it alone, but reading some stories here I finally feel safe sharing my own with people who can truly understand who I am. It’s a bit of a long story but bear with me.

I am young, only 18, and I have been plagued by masturbation my entire life. When I was 6, I was molested by a group of 6th graders in the back of them bus. This went on for perhaps half of the school year. During my time with them, they would touch me inappropriately, and teach me how good it was to touch myself. Even worse, they had me often pretend I was a girl during this time. They treated me as such, and made me feel special, and wanted. Yet they would sometimes threaten me, make me swear to not reveal any of this. They instilled a fear of disappointment and failure within me, as well as a submissive nature. It ended when they left the school, and I was left alone. When the bullying started, the only relief at the end of the school day was going home and mastubating. It made me feel... safe, warm. It took away the stresses of my chaotic home life, and the constant anxiety that I soon developed. All of my life, I have been trapped in a state of either anxiety or depression, the two serpents that slither through my mind, they create an endless cycle of pain that I can’t escape.The depression and shame always sets in after the masturbation, and time without it causes anxiety.

Yet, I spent my life not remembering the molestation. I believe I had blocked it out. It only occurred to me after I had watched what was called a sissy hypno, during this summer. For those of you who don’t know what that is, it is a video designed to trap you within your own mind with rapid images of dicks and beautiful women, to trick you into believing that you are attracted to the male genitals, and that you are in fact a girl trapped within a mans body that must have sex with men and transition. For me, not knowing myself, always being extremely scrawny, unconfident, and submissive to my own sexuality, I was hooked. I had never watched gay porn before, but I had already been on a path with regular porn, hentai, then transwomen, traps, and now this. SHs are powerful, because they offer me an escape. A vision of a world where I have no pain, where I am finally desired. My mind often goes blank, like I’m in a trance. I can feel myself screaming within my own mind sometimes to stop, and sometimes I will. Precumming while viewing sissy pictures will sometimes give me a brief window of clarity, but I always fall back in with a powerful, mind numbing orgasm that leaves me shattered, depressed, and loathing myself.

I tell you all of this because I need a way out. I have sometimes researched eunachism, and if that is the right path for me. I have looked into drugs, I have thought of slicing off my own genitals just to never feel trapped within my own mind again. Suicide is a constant option, the idea that I can escape this cycle of madness.

I workout regularly, and focus my anger out on the weights while visualizing this foe. I have been able to make it 5 days without masturbating ever since my intense workouts, so I believe this helps.

If anyone has any advice or shared experience, feel free to let me know.

 

Thank you. I have recently become more and more forgiving of myself in my workouts, forgiving past bullies, my father. I can feel it making a better impact on my mind than just raging and letting fury control my mind as I lift. Christianity has always been a part of my life, but it has grown to a much higher place in my heart as I’ve been walking this path of self discovery. I hope that one day I will be ready for something like therapy, but I will learn as much as I can from others on this site.

 

Thank you. I’ve found that the most damaging part of all of this is the lifelong isolation, the feeling that no one will understand what I go through, and that them knowing will forever alter their perspective of me and fill it with disgust or pity. Just knowing that there are others like me, who have made it through their dark times and have come out better people, gives me hope.