Just accepted I have a problem

I didn't pick your post up through a sub-forum, most importantly you are here. Telling her may destroy your relationship, what I have learned in recovery is to live an honest life, simply meaning that if you cannot tell your partner about your actions, don't do them. Put yourself in her shoes for just a minute. I do not see the value in beating yourself up, just do your best to change your behavior, it's not easy but. You can quit all of this, we are here to help you figure this out when you need help.

 

If she doesn't know I'd delay telling her. I'm not a pa but a wife of one.
The only reason I am not okay with his porn habit is because it took away from our intimacy. We were working on that when I suggested porn may be the problem. He confirmed it was when he tried to give it up and didn't last long. We're on his second try and it's going much better.

If she doesn't know, quit on your own and once you have some time under your belt you may feel more confident telling her. That's just me though. When I begin or think about any type of change I like to do it on my own and if I like it I'll tell my husband after about a week or so.
If you need or want her support to help you then tell her.

 

Remember this feeling. Every great change needs a powerful catalyst and it sounds like you've reached the point where you've got your motivation to become a better person. Congrats!

Now, you need to start working on yourself, first and foremost and a key part of this is shedding the guilt and self criticism of your past actions. Forgive yourself for struggling with this issue, it happens to so many men its insane. Dedicate yourself to making progress, no matter how big or small. Every day, every urge you don't give into your addiction(s) you become that much stronger, and the best part is that its CUMULATIVE, so if you do face set backs or relapses along the way, you don't go back to square 1. That is, if you stay committed to change and don't let relapses turn into binges.

Once you make some progress on yourself it may be easier to discuss this issue with your SO. That way it isn't just your words but rather actual commitment and change that you can go to her with. Show her that you've already started the journey to sexual control and that you are serious about it.

Life is better down the road that you've started on through NoFap so keep heading in the right direction. It's not perfect by any means and you may not get the super powers people mention on here, but god it feels good to stop the lying, sneaking around and to really give yourself to your SO.

and Smile; You Can Do It!

 

My opinion is that healing cannot begin for either person until everything is on the table. When the truth comes out in trickles, it's killer. You may feel confident, for example, admitting your porn use at first...she might take that hard. Then, weeks down the line, you may admit to the chats, which is going to hurt even more. Then, when you feel confident enough, you will tell her the rest. But this causes her to be hurt 3 different ways, 3 different times.
My suggestion is to do something like this. Sit her down and let her know there is something you need to talk about. Explain to her that you realize you have a problem and you really would like help to stop. Do not say these things unless you mean it, though. Tell her you understand that if she doesn't want to work on things with you, that is her decision. Hiding something from her in order to keep her with you is completely unfair. You wouldn't want to have her cheating on you, but not telling you...even if she SWEARS she will never do it again. If she needs some time to think, give it to her. If she is willing to work with you and support you, then you will have an incredible ally in this fight. But the more you hide things, the easier it will be for you to relapse. Every single bit of dishonesty, no matter what the reason, is harmful to a relationship.

 

Based on my personal experience, counting the days without an addiction isn't helpful, it's a stone in your shoe. It makes you stay focused on your addiction. You have to redirect your energy/urges into something: a personal project, a hobby...

You can also check this video:


Good luck!

 

I can only share again, from years of therapy.. If telling her will hurt her, consider the risk versus benefit of your disclosure. Who would you truly be benefiting. While I truly believe that secrets are incredibly dangerous, please consider the pain for your partner.

 

I am "only" 6 months into this (although technically, I think since Aug 2016 or before is probably more accurate from my SO's point of view) .. anyway, what I was going to say is that quoted section describes my wife perfectly right now.

It looks like you've been on this forum for about 4 years....has she been the way you described in that quote for all four years?!?!

 

Hey man. The best decision I made was to admit that I had an addiction problem to the two people that mean the most to me right now. My SO and my father. Both were very supportive. I explained that’s it’s a disease and I’m trying to better myself for me, my kids, and my SO. They have been very supportive. My SO didn’t know anything about it but didn’t judge me and was proud that I told her. The MOST helpful thing I’ve found for helping myself when I’m tempted to PMO is reading these forum posts and contributing to the betterment of people like me. I’ve been addicted for years and I don’t think I could stop if I didn’t have this sight with so many people helping. Listen to your gut. Make the best decision for you. If you are honest with her you will def feel better. Her reaction may not be what you want however I believe she will come around to appreciating the fact that you have recognized your addiction and want to change for her.

 

As a wife of a PA I can tell you that my biggest problem is not the act, but the hiding, the lies, the fact he concealed something from me for so long. And to be honest, I don't really care if it was shame, or fear of losing me, or not wanting to hurt me, or just plain stupidity that stopped him from talking to me about it for 10 (TEN!) years. I made it clear time and time again how I'm there for him, whatever his demons may be. I went out of my way (and out of my mind) for years, trying to tackle all the issues that popped up and were all linked in one way or another to his addiction.
No one here can guarantee that she won't leave you - she may. But it is the risk you may need to accept in order to sort your life out.