Broken but desperate to repair

I made a concerted effort to give up pornography about 3 months ago. Similar pre-internet attempts were attempted throughout my twenties involving smashing of videotapes and burning of magazines.

Today, after paying 10 dollars for a 4 minute video of a fat woman farting, I managed to finally delete all the porn on my hard drive - for the past three months I had been attempting this on an originally unintentional gradual scale whereby 30gb were reduced to 11gb.

I had a relapse of voyeurism this year and that's a place I never want to return to. Confessing to my best friend, several years after the incident, that it was me who had stolen his video camera is not a highlight of my late twenties.

Unfortunately I started with the pillow humping business to films that contained nudity. I found the switch*, a year or so later, to the regular method very difficult - I was circumsized at 9 and this, at least in my head, didn't help matters. Nipples were gradually introduced in my teens and this pattern continues to this day - I simply cannot conjure an erection from a non-porn wank without gentle nipple touching. The over-reach of my left hand to touch two nipples at once I believe has now led to a repetitive strain injury.

All of this is utterly ridiculous but the compulsion to engage in it is beyond words.

My younger brother has just had his second child at 31. I can barely produce semen without porn let alone have sex.

There's tonnes more of course but I had to get something down in print.

*unfortunately this was never a permanent switch. I'm always horny first thing in the morning and most mornings a pillow wank is initiated although I rarely orgasm that way as it's exhausting and noisy and does little to stop my bed being a creaking menace.

 

Thanks for the reply. I'm going for total abstinence until I see some results. I'm through my first weekend, the time of the week when I've always failed in the past.

Thankfully I haven't had any withdrawal symptoms yet but we're heading into uncharted territory.