Positive Reinforcement

I give mine chips... That I handmake.
Like sobriety chips?
30/60/90/120 etc
For him to carry
I hand painted them and give them to him the morning each day of the special day.
He loves them.

 

That is absolutely adorable.

 

Thank you.
It keeps him moving forward.

 

I never thought of doing this.
howvwer my husband scored a 1 on the receiving gifts thing (last place) for love language. so i am not sure what would work for him.
words of affirmation was #1

 

Ohh, maybe small cards/notes with words of affirmation on them, like short sentence!

 

what do i say to the man that just shattered my whole view of life?

Your awesome?
i don't know what to even say and that makes me feel worse about my self.... ugh ok any suggestions?

 

"The dishes got very clean "
After he does the dishes
"you read that book quickly" and nod almost proudly - when he finishes reading a book, stuff like that

 

I would focus on the positive things you do see, does it have to be PA related? I don’t think it needs to be. If I were to to do that I would think about little things that I appreciate, or a quality he has.
PA related it could be something about a conversation you two had or that you had a productive one, how he handled something better.
It could be something like “I choose love today, because” or just I love you, I’m here, we can do this together.

I’m saying one small little thing, I could see how it would difficult everyday so maybe just a couple time a week.
I hope this helps!

 

I can so relate to this! So hard.

 

Hmmm...lists of boundaries, consequences, positive reinforcement, etc...more and more it feels like we are the parent and they are the child. I can't live my life married to a man that I have to follow around like another one of my kids constantly checking up on if he is behaving, following the rules, punishing if not, and rewarding if so. I just refuse.

 

Then what do suggest?
What do you do?
What is your husband's reboot plan?
And is it working?

 

My hubby and I have reached a point of positive reinforcements towards each other on a regular basis in all kinds little ways. From just saying thank you, I appreciate that, I’ll send him random texts letting him know I’m thinking of him & that I love him. I congratulated him today on hitting 80 days. I do little extra things for him like pre setting coffee pot for the morning. We acknowledge to each other the things we have improved on in working through everything. He’s been doing more of those things in return for me too and we are doing our best to keep it consistent.
I know even in my anger and the years fallowing DDay I had very negative thinking with him. I have hurt him in subtle ways in arguments and avoiding arguing with him.
I believe it’s more for the relationship as a whole in developing positive habits and communication.
On a personal note with as difficult as it was when I would have times of nothing but angry or negative feeling and thoughts, I had to stop myself and think about the positives with him. It help me to balance my emotions and think more clearly. I don’t feel anywhere near the dark angry hurtful place that I was stuck in. I didn’t want to feel the resentment, I didn’t want to become who he became in my mind.

 

Positive reenforcement.... It's pretty much, a love languages work up.

And men (PAs in the example I'm about to use)
Are children.
Who self sooth emotions with porn.
If they didn't they would act like grown ups to begin with and handle their problems and deal with emotions and communicate with others, including spouses instead of self abusing to try and solve problems.
Sorry but thats the truth.
Part of the problem is we have to teach them to Adult.
It sucks but it's the truth and if you don't have the patience or just don't want to deal, leave.

 

I'm sorry that your (whoever is reading this) boyfriend or husband never learned how (to adult all proper & without porn) , I'm sorry mine didn't either.
I'm sorry if that's a difficult pill to swallow...
But that's the truth.

 

This goes a long lines of something that I have been thinking on logical level in regards to EQ, emotional intelligence but I haven’t quite figured out how to phrase it in a non offensive manner.
I don’t want to insult anyone let alone my hubby but I can’t help to see the connection of a lower EQ and some addictions/addictive personalities. I don’t know if the PA lowers it or if it low before from possibly life trauma’s and issues. My hubby is genus level IQ but he seemed to somewhat suffer in the EQ. Immature and toxic ways of dealing with things.
I think back to when I was much younger and developing addictions, (drinking as teenager, rehab at 13 as I was thought to have an addictive personality but not substance). I grew up fast with having my daughter at 17 and that all went to way side. Now he has drastically changed and is behaving more mature in general but emotionally as well.

 

Yeah... My big issue?
I am just "say it to your face" sort of person...
Hence my "stream of consciousness" in my journal.
I'm radically honest.
So there it is.
It's occasionally offensive.
But I'm blunt by nature.
I do try to warn the newbies tho

 

I do agree with you @Jennica and I think EQ goes up with reboot.
Alot actually, by the one year mark, I was very impressed with who my SO was. He seemed almost like a different person emotionally