Sex post reboot from SOs perspective

I'm wishing both of you the very best on your journey to PMO free life for your husband and be totally yours! With such support I think he has great chances to win his addiction!

Thank you for this great piece of advice!

 

I don't believe he feels that way about you. There are good SO's on here that I believe will be able to help you because I'm sure they will be able to identify with how you feel.

 

You can and will get through this. It won't be easy but I have learned nothing worth doing is easy.

 

Guaranteed what he's thinking:




PMO addiction is sometimes much more simple than women make it out it be. It's rarely about dissatisfaction with a wife's body. It's almost always about extremely easy pleausre, escape, and coping mechanism. Just like he can't always trust his mind, sometimes you shouldn't trust yours.

 

You wrote everything ive been thinking and then some. I'm. Sorry your going through this too.

 

OR sex is so good you overloaded him into a Chaser Effect?

 

Was about to go there. Sometimes sex later reignites a brain pathway that I use to look for porn.

 

My hubby had the chaser effect regularly after we had good sessions so he was worried about it in rebooting.

 

All of these feelings are normal in the situation that you are in, I felt them as well. I know that you know deep down that it has nothing to do with your or your level of attraction but no matter how many times we as SOs are told that we still feel unattractive and undesired. One addict in recovery on here told me something early on that stuck. He said that even if the porn star walked off the screen right now into your partners bedroom, he would still have the same issues in bed that he has with you. It is not about attractiveness. It is about his inability to be intimate. Sexual release has alway been a solo experience for him. Even in bed with you in the past, it has. He was fantasizing during sex with you. Most women that have had sex with a PMO addict describe a man that is very removed from the sexual experience. For me it felt like he was just masturbating to me rather than porn. There was very little touching, no eye contact, no connection. He likes boobs, but touching them to reach sexual pleasure is not something familiar to him. Real life women and intimacy are new to sex addicts. It is a total change of mindset that has to occur.

 

What an amazing and honest post. Thank you.

 

Same here. Any fantasizing I do is reliving previous encounters we've had.

And I think unfair works just fine in the sense that things are inequitable. Most people feel foolish if they're into someone more than that person is reciprocating and/or if they're operating without full knowledge. That's pretty much what's going on with all of us here. Always exceptions but there's a reason the 'not enough' feeling is so frequently mentioned. When your partner is enough for you but not vice versa...

 

Mental monogamy.
It's not a unfair thing to want from a spouse

 

Same though. I totally get it. And it hurts, to know they've probably never M'd to thoughts of you. Mine says he has, but I imagine it's along with P, possibly imagining me doing the things that they do in P. Which is very different.

 

I have a girlfriend myself, and I am always very cautious about having sex with her when rebooting! Simply because when I have sex with her, afterward the urge for sexual stimulation is so intense, that it's even harder to resist porn. My body simply craves to go back to my old ways. It has nothing to do with my girlfriend. It is simply inside of me.

 

If he started when he was 12, it was not about you. (For those of you where it started later, the converse does not always hold true. IOW, it still probably wasn't about you either!) I'm sure you've already realized that, but it should be reinforced.

Second, even if he's addicted, it's still his fault. Just like me, he chose to start this. Your sympathy is appreciated, but excuses are not warranted. It is a difficult cycle to break though, and he is really blessed to have your support. (I hope he realizes that!)

A man's desire to please his wife is real. To provide for her physically, to satisfy her sexually, to be able to keep her happy. You may not be seeing that, but I expect that it is there. So...

• You say you're afraid he feels his O was wasted on you. NO! An O is never wasted on your own wife! If there is some disappointment there, it is almost certainly felt of himself, wanting to be able to perform better, or wishing you two would have connected better.
• You said you never ask for what you want. Tell him! (I wish my wife would.) He likely wants to know how to make you more excited and to satisfy you more. Personally, there's no better pleasure than for my wife to achieve her O. A man pretty much always gets his O, but if I know my wife is enjoying the effort, it makes my O that much better.

I can't tell you that he will not think of someone else when he's with you, but if you make sure you are enjoying your time together, that's where he will want to be.

BTW, closing your eyes doesn't mean as much as you think. I close my eyes sometimes because I can't change camera angles, while I'm still thinking about my wife.

Take my words with a grain of salt. I'm still navigating these waters, but it's beautiful to see how you are trying to work this out. Just reading this makes me want to hold my wife a little closer. My eyes are open...in more than one way.