After a year in the forums, I still struggle with PSubs

Short summary: After a year in recovery I still cruise people I know and Psubs on social media I can't get rid of (bc job), even while in a loving relationship in which at the same time I want to try lewder and kink stuff in bed for reasons I'm worried may be related to porn. How to proceed?

 

More context:

For me Psubs and real life were the main problem all along.

It's not about fictionalized coitus (that's another story with its own issues), the problem of P is selling the fantasy of being the protagonist, of living the experience yourself. That's why guys barely appear during the scenes.

Either with the actress or with a real life look-alike, as if it was some kind of sick metaphor. In my case I realized this was happening with a certain girl I used to MO a lot to. I would PMO to avoid thinking of myself as a creep and then would left somehow disappointed, thinking "Shit, it's not her". Then there was one time where we met at the beach with friends and I took pictures of her, realized I went full creep and said enough, deleted the pictures and confessed the issue to her. She blocked me of everything with no answer but my conscience is clean.

Or for the specific practice they are doing that then, again, you transfer into your own wishful thinking. In my case this would be light femdom. Nothing extreme, just the girl in question taking the initiative or being a tease, "into it" and not just a passive object to be taken and used. And I also realize this has been really lacking in my real life, girls I met so far would be extremely disgusted (during my puberty) or disappointingly passive (adolescence and beyond). The overall reaction was so negative, I eventually convinced myself that making moves on girls was something akin to harassment, so I shut myself in, PMOing "to avoid bothering anyone and be someone trustworthy".

Then I started exploring further my sexuality, began being hit on by guys until I started going out with one for the first time. This current relationship has been a healing experience and a wonderful adventure. I discovered that I'm not hideous at all, though there's an obvious incompatibility with the opposite sex that still is a mystery to me. And even if it sounds silly, also that the gay thoughts weren't because of P (I was pretty sure about that, but the more you know...).

There are two main issues, as I said before:

1. My relationship with girls is still unhealthy. I need to let go and just be chill around them, simply accept the feelings of arousal and attraction as a natural thing whenever they happen, instead of freaking out and turning into a ball of awkwardness. It really makes me feel stupid. I believe that will make things normal and make me less prone to obsession. My ideal goal is a life where I don't need to fantasize about any girl, since I would either be able to be with her in real life or calmly accept the fact that I wouldn't.

2. I've been feeling the need of try submitting as a fetish/turn on (in the context of a D/s dynamic), and try all kinds of stuff. Normally I would have dismissed this thoughts as "degenerate" and related to self-esteem issues and P brainwashing, but the trend shows otherwise. The more comfortable I feel in the relationship, and the less P I watch, the more "right" this feels. So maybe it's just how I am? Of course I'll need to try eventually or they'll get stronger and dangerous, but I wanted to put together my thoughts and ask for opinions.

Is this related to the Psubs? Are Psubs in general and MO related to poor self-esteem and destructive tendencies?