He told me he preferred Brunettes...

You are very correct in everything you say. In my case it's been her who has been very critical of me right from day one (even when we were just friends which is when she first said those hurtful words) and to be honest because of that and a misunderstanding of my actions early on it has been very difficult for me to adapt.

We are both getting better at communicating and while constructive criticism can be good there is a fine line between that and negative criticism.

My apologies for making this about me. That was unintended.

 

What he is doing is called a staggered, or trickled disclosure. It is HORRIBLE for us SOs, but PAs do it for a few reasons. One is to "test the waters" so to speak, to see how you will react. Then, once comfortable that everything is smoothed over, they disclose more. Another reason is shame, and yet another is simply not remembering due to PMO fog. Regardless of the reason, it is wrong and excruciating for us SOs and is not in the best interest of the relationship as it erodes trust. (Whatever little amount of trust is left). If you look at the last few pages of my journal you can see that I have really been struggling with a staggered disclosure as well. I am sorry that you are here, but there are many of us who can support you.

 

I've shared this in many other threads, but I know a lot of addicts who have done polygraphs as a way to start re-establishing trust. At least then you have a credible third-party who can verify whether or not your partner is telling you the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

If you really wanted to throw down the gauntlet, you could demand that he do a polygraph, or you're leaving. It just depends on how direct and no-bullshit you want to be about it. I know an addict who did a polygraph with his wife, and for the last four years, he's done it every single year, voluntarily, using the exact same questions. He gives her the results almost as a gift, to show that he's that committed to living in integrity. He hasn't looked at a pornographic image in over four years, and he has four polygraphs that back him up on that. That's a man who got aggressive about his recovery. And it helps him stay sober, because there's no way in hell he's going to look at porn or act out sexually when he knows it'll come out in the polygraph.

And to echo what Sadgirl said, a staggered disclosure is just about the worst thing an addict can do to his partner. The worst. Nothing irreparably destroys trust like saying "Yes, I've told you everything", and then months later, "wait, there's more" ... and then a few more months later, "wait, there's more" ... etc etc.

 

This is absolutely true especially when you know there is more and it’s denied this can also fall into gaslighting and omissions. It’s horrible to go through as I did as well.

 

Not that I want to joke about gaslighting ... but sometimes a little comic relief is appropriate:

 

I thought it was funny.
But I was Gaslit alot... It was interesting to see, personally, a woman doing it to a man.

 

???? In the video, he's gaslighting her. She knows the truth, but he's making her out to be crazy and paranoid.

 

I will have to watc it again then

I clearly don't remember it and I only watched it once last time.

 

Oh ok. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't the crazy one. Thought maybe you were gaslighting me for a second, ha!

 

Oh, who's a funny guy?

 

This is just me, and maybe it won't be the same for you, but there is NO WAY I would EVER want to know what my husband's PMO preferences are! It means absolutely nothing, and it will only drive you crazy. In my opinion, the best thing you can do is just let it go and try to be okay with not knowing. I've dabbled in so many different things, and I think any addict here can tell you that things escalate and you search for novelty and you end up seeing just about anything and everything you could imaginr. Preference really doesn't mean much, as long as he is committed to you and loves you. I've had preferences in the past that my husband could not measure up to, and I had to deal with that on my own, because he's who I'm with, and I'm not going to go find someone else just so I can fulfill some fetish that he can't fulfill. For him to know all of those things would be pointless and would only make him possibly feel inferior or self conscious about not matching whatever my preference happens to be at the moment.

I just can't really see any good in exploring the details of exactly what your man has seen or thought or what his preferences have been. It's all garbage and it all needs to stop, and that will fix things in time. Exploring the nitty gritty, in my opinion and from my experience, will most likely not do you any good.

 

My husband told me he prefers thin women. Multiple times. I asked if I could ever be thin enough and he said I could. I probably shouldn't have asked.
I also asked why he was with me if I wasn't what he wanted/desired. I was fishing for some tiny compliment. Something to hold on to. He told me the thought it would never come up.

 

Are you looking for a reason to end it?

 

I read her as looking for a reason to continue not to end it. Searching for a glimmer of hope that this will change or that someone she is wrong about what she perceives, or that he is going to change. T his is of course my personal opinion, but I don’t think most SO’s in relationships with addicts needs to look for a reason to end things, that reason, those reasons are already staring them right in the face, my partner is an addict, my partner lies to me, those are good enough reasons. We are often looking for reasons to stay. Sometimes we find those, sometimes we do not.

 

GG2002,
Your words on this thread have been very helpful and reassuring for me. I feel understood here. I have been feeling very misunderstood at home. My husband makes very clear that his P preferences are what I am not and will never be, in terms of age, race, and fetishes (he is paraphiliac, nothing illegal, but he eroticizes things that have no appeal for the majority of people). I am struggling for reasons to stay after hearing him say stupid things to defend himself and his addiction ("I just happened to...", "I just think she's pretty..."). Because he is paraphiliac and an addict, I am fearing that this "making excuses" behavior for keeping huge amounts of P is ingrained and very difficult to change without serious intervention or he has determined that he cannot live without it and that is not a problem (for him, in part because it all represents what I am not, therefore no overlap with me, so no conflict). I will either have to figure out how to live with it and lead a somewhat sadder life in which I feel less self worth and he is not the person I thought he was because he will lie or make up reasons to refuse to give up the P (he has said it is his right to have it and that is my problem, not his); or he needs to find a solution on his own or with a therapist (because he has made it clear that he hates being accountable to me); or we work one out together. Otherwise, as you say, the reasons to leave are looking me right in the face...

 

I am glad I can be of some help to you. The women I met on this site helped me so much as well. It was like finally I’m not alone, someone understands. The fact that he is making excuses or explanations is concerning. I don’t think he’s ready to or even thinks he needs to change. I was not very familiar with paraphilia but I just went and read a bit about it. Being that it can be a mental health diagnosis I do think it may be harder to change not impossible but hard. I suppose if it’s just a fetish that’s not causing anyone harm per se or anyone else than the partner he is with would need to be okay with him indulging that with her in someway. But if this behavior turns into an addiction via porn or some other means that is unhealthy. I mean let’s say it’s that he likes balloons or feet. If you are okay with indulging that in person, than the relationship could work. The problem becomes when a partner can never indulge such a fantasy, not necessarily because they do not want to but because its just not possible. He wants a 10 year old, another man, a heavy woman, whatever the case may be. Then it becomes could any partner satisfy this in a regular relationship? If the answer is no then the person with the fetish either has to work his or her way out of it via counseling, or find a partner that is okay with he or she expressing it in a non addictive, healthy way. Of course young kids, and things that illegal can never be expressed, but you said that is not the case. It’s hard to tell here as well if what he has is porn induced meaning he only likes that stuff due to his addiction, or if it genuinely how he is. Did he have this before he watched porn? It is getting harder and harder for young men to determine their actual preferences. They have looked at porn from such a young age, that their preferences have developed based on that. If he stops the porn though he should e able to figure that one out. No doubt people had fetishes before porn, but they seem to be more and more since porn. I would have never known that a ballon fetish was a thing, without porn. So would a person become involved with a ballon fetish if they had no idea One existed, probably not. There is a difference between fetishes and sexual orientation though. Some men i think are genuinely gay or bisexual, and that cannot be changed. They often say it’s porn but don’t want to admit it. In my undergraduate work, I interviewed a lot of child molestors and child rapists serving time. Many told me keep me locked up or physically castrate me. They described their behavior not as a preference but an orientation. It was not to make excuses rather to describe how difficult it truly is to not reoffend. They said it was like telling a heterosexual man to either be celibate his whole life or only have sex with other men, is it possible sure, it is likely no. Did they enjoy sex with consenting adults, no not really. So in your case I think you may be dealing with a bird of a different feather, with his fetishes that may or may not be porn induced. If they are porn induced and he is willing to stop, then I think there is some hope. If they are not porn induced, it is going to be a lot harder to change. He won’t know which one it is unless he stops porn for 90 days or m ore. If he’s not willing to do that then I think you either need to accept him as he is, or move on. I always say you have to assume people won’t change, that you will have them at their worst if you are going to marry or do long term. If you are not willing to accept a relationship where they do not change, then it’s better to find a more suitable partner for yourself. Some things people can live with, some things they cannot. Whatever your decision is is the best one for you.

 

SO’s and partners ... I read here of so much anger and broken trust. All the WORK being done and to be done. IMO that life will never be rewarding start a new and put an end to the despair. Start living again! Both of you can be great people but these relationships are done. Life is short... REALY it is. Why are we always trying to fix things to the point life crushes your soul overtime. You don’t even know it’s happening that’s the sad part... humans are like this for some reason it’s silly IMO.

 

@ISOhappiness Seriously? I am sorry but that is just a very broad statement to say and very inacurate. You don't know all our individual experiences and lives and reasons for staying. Some stay because they truly love each other, because there are kids involved, because of finances, because of many many reasons. Those reasons are valid to each SO.

And also, does that mean that any addict in the world shouldn't be with someone?


Both sides are hurting, but (hopefully) both sides are fighting to get better as individuals and as a couple. Now if there is any type of abuse then yes, leave, that's not cool. But when the addict is actively trying to get better, why would an SO leave? That's cruel. The addicts are human too and have pain too.

 

hopingmyheartcanbereapired,
I am genuinely happy to hear that you both made an effort to work together and reestablish trust. I'm wishing you success as you move forward and hope that the new contract helps to strengthen that bond. We haven't tried this. We are still working on doing things together, learning new things together, and regrettably, still arguing. I'm rooting for you and your progress and very glad that you are making it happen.