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Painful Reminder

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by Wayne C, Dec 17, 2017.

  1. Dec 17, 2017 #1
    Wayne C

    Wayne C Fapstronaut

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    So I was doing some work at my mom and dad's place today, and I found a note in my dad's toolbox. It was a note that I had left him after I had snapped off on him about some random thing and I was apologizing for being such a jerk. What I hadn't told my dad was that I was only being volatile because I was going through a bad phase with my porn addiction. It makes me mad at myself, and everyone else and I get angry at everyone around me. I remember going home after making the connection between the outburst and my porn use. I just laid down and cried. I hate what porn turns me into. I found this apology note yesterday and almost broke down again.
    I want this to be out there so I can come back to this and see this down the road.
     
    Wayne C, Dec 17, 2017
    Wayne C, Dec 17, 2017
    #1
    arminhul, sknnyjns, sakeen and 3 others like this.
  2. Dec 17, 2017 #2
    57yrold

    57yrold Fapstronaut

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    That breaks my heart.

    I hope that you achieve your goals, and that you become the man you want to be.

    Best of luck to you!
     
    57yrold, Dec 17, 2017
    57yrold, Dec 17, 2017
    #2
    arminhul and Menta_Na like this.
  3. Dec 19, 2017 #3
    Crimson Guard

    Crimson Guard Fapstronaut

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    God bless you and help you pass over this mountain. I just registered and I have the same problem. I'm a jerk, and that's all because of porn.
     
    Crimson Guard, Dec 19, 2017
    Crimson Guard, Dec 19, 2017
    #3
    arminhul likes this.
  4. Dec 19, 2017 #4
    Deleted Account

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    I had a similar revelation brother. How I have reacted in certain situations with my immediate family. You’re definitely not alone. Fuck porn.
     
    Deleted Account, Dec 19, 2017
    Deleted Account, Dec 19, 2017
    #4
    arminhul, sakeen and Crimson Guard like this.
  5. Dec 20, 2017 #5
    AtomicTango

    AtomicTango Fapstronaut

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    Becoming aware of the problem is the first step on the road to fixing it. I used to get really mad at friends when things didn't go exactly how I planned, and to make matters worse I pushed people away with this behavior and then blamed them for it when they didn't want to tolerate my bullshit anymore. Now I try to be more calm and level-headed and while I still have issues it is working, I think now you have made that connection you will be able to fix it.
     
    AtomicTango, Dec 20, 2017
    AtomicTango, Dec 20, 2017
    #5
    arminhul likes this.
  6. Dec 22, 2017 #6
    Wayne C

    Wayne C Fapstronaut

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    Yeah, it was more of just a reminder of that low point in my life. I made the connection a while back, but when I found that note, it just dredged it all back up. It was a reminder of what the porn makes you give back. It's not a free experience. Every addiction has it's price and porn will take all your loved ones away. I'm trying to keep those consequences in mind to create some friction between me and the porn use.
     
    Wayne C, Dec 22, 2017
    Wayne C, Dec 22, 2017
    #6
    arminhul likes this.
  7. Dec 22, 2017 #7
    arminhul

    arminhul Fapstronaut

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    I know exactly how you feel. I snapped at my mother today. I do that quite a lot at my parents. For no fault of theirs. Makes me feel like a shitty person. I feel like screaming sometimes.

    PMO has taken a lot from me. I was a smart kid. My adult life does not reflect that. I really have nothing to show for any of the good things that I still have in me.

    It is a horrible feelings. Falling behind in life. At 28 yrs I feel like the entire 20s was shitty. Sometimes I too can't help but cry. I don't believe in god but I pray, hoping that he really exists. That somebody comes to save me.

    But no one is coming. No one can help me. I am not suicidal yet but if my if continues like this it won't be long before I go down that path. And even if I die and I feel like no one cares there are many who will. My parents, my grandmother. I may have hurt them in the past and maybe I will in the near future but if I do not "change" - that will be the most horrible thing I do to them.

    I have to change. It will be painful. It will be shitty. But I won't live the rest of my life like this.
     
    arminhul, Dec 22, 2017
    arminhul, Dec 22, 2017
    #7
    Immature and Deleted Account like this.
  8. Dec 27, 2017 #8
    Wayne C

    Wayne C Fapstronaut

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    I'm sorry to hear that. It sucks how it ends up being those closest to us that we hurt the most. Don't give up hope though. I've lost count of how many times I've relapsed, but I won't stop. No matter how long it takes, it's worth the struggle. Hang in there man.

    While I'm at it, I usually don't wax philosophical on here, but since you mention prayer, there are a couple of texts that come to mind. Bear with me. One is in the Bible book of Psalms chapter 55 and verse 22. It says, "Throw your burden on Jehovah(God's Name) and he will sustain you". Another one is in the first letter to Peter chapter 5 verse 7. That one has a similar message. It says, "throw all your anxiety in him(again referring to God), because he cares for you. I take a lot of comfort in these old texts, and I thought maybe you might as well. If this isn't your thing, just disregard, but know that there is a lot of comfort to be found in the scriptures. Hope this helps at all.
     
    Wayne C, Dec 27, 2017
    Wayne C, Dec 27, 2017
    #8
    i_wanna_get_better1 likes this.

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