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Relapsed once more, I don't know

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Marcothebest_1995, Dec 21, 2017.

  1. Marcothebest_1995

    Marcothebest_1995 Fapstronaut

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    Once more I relapsed in M.

    I am not harsh towards myself, but I don't know what to do.

    In this period I am maybe very tired and I do not want with all my heart to commit to something, I would like to get back my forces for what awaits me after Christmas break.

    I passed 90 days without chats, as you know. Today I wanted to reinstall kik, just for curiosity. I tried once more, but I felt disgusted. Extremely disgusted, because I was seeing what I was doing as disgusting. So, my psychotherapy was successful: chats have been deleted from my life. Definitely.

    I am at day 81 without porn, nearly a full cycle of rebooting.
    In this meantime I accidentally came in contact with porn stuff. When I looked for series in streaming sometimes a tab with "sexbadoo" or even PornHub or LiveCams used to pop-up, so my eyes came in contact with it. I had the same reaction of disgust and also "let's close this shit as soon as possible".
    My therapist told me about the dangers of porn like PIED. Which I already knew. I also looked a lot of videos.

    My problem now is masturbation... Well, I had good achievements.
    I don't do it on a daily basis anymore...
    Forst attempt 13 days, second attempt 55 days, this attempt 10 days.
    I took it away from porn and chats and photos and other stuff. Just me, my hand and my fantasy.
    It does not isolate me anymore from other people, I don't think about it. I prefer doing other stuff. Even going at the groceries with my mom is better than M.
    But there are moments when a session of M is all I want, and I can't manage them indefinitely.
    I live a very busy life, but I can't always be busy. I am on holiday now and I want to have a bit of rest.

    I thought that maybe now looking at 90 days is too much, I went for 7 days which is not the hardest, but not even simple. My brain needs an achievement now.
     
    Lily White likes this.
  2. Eduard Maziru

    Eduard Maziru Fapstronaut

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    if you are in holiday or you need to still be busy but resting at the same time try reading, I recommed Dostoyevsky, Kafka or anything that can make your brain going into a story or even a complicated situation to solve.. i hope you will get through these days in the state you wish to be :)
     
    Purity of Speech likes this.
  3. Purity of Speech

    Purity of Speech Fapstronaut

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    well, none of your progress is lost. whatever you've done already remains. the counting thing sometimes doesn't do such good justice to that. perhaps it's better to look at a lapse like a lost match for a football team.
    i think key to responses in your situation is checking when temptations come. actually, they don't usually come 24/7 but only in very specific sets. even of those, there will be some that are the worst. then set up a number of security layers around those. even approaching a situation like that already provides hope and a kind of view that it's possible to crack this.
    it is a hard one, though, and that should always be taken into account...
     
    Lily White likes this.
  4. Purity of Speech

    Purity of Speech Fapstronaut

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    yo... kafka... that one should kill any kind of wish to even live, let alone consider procreation... :)
     
  5. Marcothebest_1995

    Marcothebest_1995 Fapstronaut

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    I feel you very close to my mind.
    I already watch my lapses as momentary stops and I acknowledge what I did until that moment.
    Not having to masturbate daily, not having to do it in front of a screen.
    The image is far different, to be on my bed, relaxed, only with me. It's a different approach.
    The worst feeling is guilt for having lost this challenge, despite I learnt a lot from this.
    What do you mean by "security layers"?
     
    Purity of Speech likes this.
  6. Purity of Speech

    Purity of Speech Fapstronaut

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    i know guilt is politically not correct - and unpleasant, too - but i wouldn't be too harsh on it. it's doing a job for you and not the worst at that. thank it, and you may not feel so bad about feeling bad: let's be good masochists! :)
    'security layers': the easier it is, the more likely it's going to happen. that's true for most things of interest. making it harder won't help if this is what you want & need to do at all cost but it will help in a lot of smaller challenges & in total a lot. one security layer would be one step you put between you and the thing, two things would make it even harder.
    suppose you make a rule: i have to wait 10 minutes before doing any image search. 1 layer. i have to do it from the computer in the other room. 2nd layer.
    just making the plan is already wholesome for the mind. in reality, the layers may all crash at times but no problem: let's just learn and make new ones... anyway, that's the theory.
    in real reality, i'd hardly be here if i was so smart & this was so simple... :)
     
    Lily White likes this.
  7. TrappedInTorment

    TrappedInTorment Fapstronaut

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    Ah, nice to see someone else who has struggled wit chats! Most guys it seems only have the issue really with porn, but I'd say my addiction to sex-chats is actually worse than the porn addiction. Sometimes I stupidly justify it to myself by saying that im going to talk about just day-to-day stuff, but it always becomes sexual.
     
  8. Marcothebest_1995

    Marcothebest_1995 Fapstronaut

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    After 90 days without chats, I tried yesterday.
    I wrote to a girl. Then, I moved immediately to look for other nicknames.
    I then went out from myself and I looked at my behavior.

    I was looking for girls to chat with. I would have added maybe only cute girls. And then what? Some of them would have replied. We would have started to chat. I would become keen in the conversation, wait for an answer. So, I would waste time on it. I would lose contact with real people. I would then chat also when aroused. A girl would be provocative. There could be an exchange of picture. And of course I would M then. With something like porn.

    What I would gain from this it's only a global relapse...

    So, in a few seconds, I removed kik. That girl did not even answer me.

    The reprogramming has been successful: I now see chats as a waste of time.

    My problem with M is that I've been told by my therapist that in limited quantities is natural. So my brain considers it legit now...
     
  9. Lily White

    Lily White Fapstronaut

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    It seems like you are learning a lot, Marco, so good on you! :)

    As to M, what are the reasons YOU want to quit? (My apologies if you have explained them somewhere else on this forum)
    My therapist once told me that it's totally fine to experiment and have casual sex, while that wouldn't work AT ALL for me. Nobody else can decide what should be important to us, not even a therapist. They don't live in our head or know what we know about our lives.
     
  10. Marcothebest_1995

    Marcothebest_1995 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for the first lines. I feel this too, for sure I am far better than the Marco that started his journey nearly 3 months ago.

    Why would I quit M? I would quit M to have far more energies and to be more attractive for other people. I like that I am far more smart and self confident since I quit doing it in a compulsive way.
    It is helping me to understand my weaknesses with girls, what blocks me, and I'm working on them with the counselor's help.
    I want all those progresses to last.

    I am trying to find a point of contact between what I was said, because I really trust who said these words, and what I think. My therapist proved herself correct 99% of times, even on sides of my life that we discussed marginally about.

    I believe that I must find a point where I can control M, do it a few times (like once a month) and no more, without any risk.

    As for now, due to chaser effect and my problems with girls, I suppose that I must rely far more on abstinence rather than on assumed-but-wrong capacities of self control.

    My brain is suggesting me to go once more for 90 days, but by breaking them into shorter challenges (7-days, then 14-days, then 21-days, then 30-days, etc...) and then seeing what happened.
    After 90 days, I rejected chats.
    After 81 days, I don't even want to use porn.
    After 13 days of abstinence, I understood that daily M is useless. The had other 55 days of abstinence and now other 10.
     
    Lily White likes this.
  11. Purity of Speech

    Purity of Speech Fapstronaut

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    understand that therapy is a for-profit business and therewith implicitly invested in not-alienating clients. very often the solutions generated in the process really just come down to enabling dangerously immoral behaviors, cloaked in respectable form & theory: venting with parents, justifying adultery or divorce, substance & sexual permissiveness are examples. it's just the easiest way to get a grateful response from the client and some pressure relief within the confines of the value-free approach, per hour pay, and alround limited leverage they are legally committed to.
     

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