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Pornifying others

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by J. Fylz, Nov 5, 2017.

  1. J. Fylz

    J. Fylz Fapstronaut

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    I am on day five of my 90 day commitment. I am 37 and I am Married but have delt secretly with porn and sex addiction since I was 9 years old. I am writing this today because normally Sundays are spent scanning porn sites and masturbating for hours on end as I am often alone for a good portion of the day. I am hoping that using this time to explain and confess will distract me from a brain craving a fix. I know that this behavior is destroying my self esteem and will eventually ruin my relationship. Today while at the grocery store I became aware (perhaps for the first time) of how I look at people. Instead of seeing their faces I am secretly staring hoping to catch a glimpse of skin, I notice the curve of their body or the tightness of their clothes. I spend more time unconsciously creating porn situations in my head then I do smiling or even making eye contact. It’s devastating and wasteful, but it is so ingrained in my day to day interacting that I hardly know I am doing it. I know that becoming aware of it is a step in the right direction but I am heartbroken and more than a little disgusted with myself for thinking this way. I am trusting in this process of self evaluation and trying not to beat myself up too much, but am having a hard time when I think of all the wasted hours, the missed opportunities to make lasting relationships. I think of my marriage and the commitment we made and I am frustrated that I have dropped the ball so often in my day to day interactions and I’m my constant sexual fantasies...mindlessly feeding an addiction that craves more and more and offers nothing but a quick thrill, a rush of dopamine and a promise to return again to seek more. To those out there that I have noticed or used for my own lusts and fantasies...I am truly sorry. Forgive me for my weakness.
     
  2. That's me too. I'm 62. Keep up the good work!
     
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  3. J. Fylz

    J. Fylz Fapstronaut

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    Thank you! We are not alone!!
     
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  4. It sucks. You have indeed wasted hours, days, years. Imagine what we could have done with all that time...

    But that is pointless thinking. It gets you nowhere. Spend your time and energy instead on improving for the future. Map out your plan of how you will quit. How will you fill your time now? How will you cope with urges? Will you use therapy as a tool for recovery? What books on addiction will you read to understand this problem?

    These are the things you should be thinking of rather than the i changeable past.
     
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  5. J. Fylz

    J. Fylz Fapstronaut

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    Agreed! I am doing yoga. Taking colder showers and taking the time to become aware again. Aware of my limitations and my strengths. Becoming aware to the fact that these feelings and obsessions are NOT me, even though they have been running things for almost my entire life.
     
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  6. J. Fylz

    J. Fylz Fapstronaut

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    Confession time:

    Day 52 of my 90 day reboot.

    Last night I went out for our work party and had a blast. Unfortunately I noticed something when I evaluated my night- One drink in and I was feeling great. After two drinks-my eyes and my mind had completely left the conversations and company of work friends and had gravitated towards anyone attractive. For three hours I nodded my way through each conversation but spent the majority of the evening in my own head creating sexualized situations and scenarios. It’s something that has come to easily to me from an early age. Fantasizing and creating “what-if” situations.
    The trouble is when three drinks happened I was well on my way to my old self. The one with the monkey on his back that whispers things like “if you stand at that urinal long enough that dude from the bar may walk in and then who knows what’ll happen” or “if you catch the eye of that woman in that black dress you know you can make her leave the group of friends she’s with and then you two can do whatever”.

    I’m frustrated because I didn’t catch myself doing it and turn immediately back from the stupid path I was heading. I rode it because it felt frighteningly wonderful to be filled with the adrenaline of possibilities.

    Thankfully that dude didn’t come into the bathroom and that woman smiled but didn’t leave her friends.

    How do I become more aware of this issue...or if I’m being completely honest How do I continue to keep the mentality that I’ve been beginning to create during my reboot-that one that sees people as spiritual beings, as an extension of myself-even when I’ve had a few drinks? Is it possible? What will change my mindset in these challenging situations?
     
    Last edited: Dec 22, 2017
    Rob_B_ and Arohamystic like this.
  7. Arohamystic

    Arohamystic Fapstronaut

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    Your confession really hits home, brother. I've played so many "what-if" games in my mind, with both guys and girls. It is awful, because it detracts from having a real and authentic relationship with them. Even if I do start a sincere friendship with them, I still have the memory of my "what-if" scenario lingering in the background. [And yes, I am always so thankful the scenarios do not become reality - they would certainly cause a lot of heartbreak and pain.]

    At least you know alcohol is a possible trigger for you. Maybe avoiding alcohol in tense situations is a good option?

    This is my constant goal: to see people as spiritual beings, to see them as they truly are - not just physical beings for my own pleasure. It's interesting because I seem to be able to do this with people I'm not attracted to. However, when I feel attracted to someone, any thoughts of spirituality go out the window.... argh!
     
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  8. Pancho

    Pancho Fapstronaut

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    'Today while at the grocery store I became aware (perhaps for the first time) of how I look at people. Instead of seeing their faces I am secretly staring hoping to catch a glimpse of skin, I notice the curve of their body or the tightness of their clothes. I spend more time unconsciously creating porn situations in my head then I do smiling or even making eye contact.'

    That's rough man, I feel for you. Thankfully I'm not immersed in porn enough to do that, in fact I don't think about sex much usually.
    I have though, this evening understood why I've chosen to date the older woman I've been seeing. My intuition has been screaming at me for months to let her go, fact is that whilst we have little in common she has the 'look' or one of those that I like in porn models. She is sexually provocative, dresses provocatively and as I've begun to find out will engage in sexual acts that I would barely even consider. That's why she's now...history :)
    The strange part is that the other woman who I am talking to at the moment fits me so much better, we share interests, she is young, like me she is an introvert, quiet and peaceful and dresses casually...what am I thinking? :)
     
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  9. J. Fylz

    J. Fylz Fapstronaut

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    That is the thing my brother....these fantasies are fiction. And to be honest even if they did occur they would not really compare to the scenes I’ve created in my head. It is my goal to remain conscious of my thoughts (even if I can’t always stop them in real time) and to seek assistance if I feel like I’m going to actually stumble.

    I could use the thoughts and prayers to continue this journey and to use these life lessons as opportunities for self evaluation and reflection. Because the truth is I want to form lasting friendships (even with attractive people) and pornifying yhrm is preventing me from being able to see them for what they are...which is an extension of my higher self. So I’ll push through and learn to challenge myself to look beyond a hot body of a pretty face...to a place of human connection and honest integrity.

    I know it can be done...just don’t have an ETA on when I’ll be able to live this truth in real time.
     
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  10. J. Fylz

    J. Fylz Fapstronaut

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    that is something else that is heartbreaking about this whole addiction. I really want/wanted to be friends with these people. there have been quite a few people who I would have enjoyed getting to know and bonding with but my desire for connection began to be overshadowed by sexual desires. My admiration for the physical traits and personalities got crossed wires with my addiction to adrenaline and dopamine and the guilt of that behavior caused me to push people away because i was afraid of my intentions.
     
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  11. Pancho

    Pancho Fapstronaut

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    That' so true; that's how porn 'uses' me.
    Our manly desires are turned back on us and used against us.
    What we NEED is love and affection, it takes time.
    The machine that makes porn, that damages men damages women too.
    So many women I could have given love to, so many women who are unloveable.
     
    Last edited: Dec 23, 2017
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  12. J. Fylz

    J. Fylz Fapstronaut

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    Very true! I think that if we really looked at those who have been hurt by viewing/making porn you would be well past 50% of the human population who live in the “civilized “ world. From misconceptions about what sex and love are supposed to look and feel like, all the way to the idolization and commodity of sex and nudity. We have made intimacy and nakedness (things that are supposed to be divine and pure) something to sell that just about everyone has feelings of guilt about. It’s a racket and it was not meant to be.

    But we are working through it, porn and masturbation is starting to be looked at as an addiction. Also seeing the growth that comes from talking with folks like all of you as I continue to remain strong with my determination to wipe these habits from my life completely, gives me hope that there is a way out.
     
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  13. Arohamystic

    Arohamystic Fapstronaut

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    This point is so true. I have done that as well. I wonder how many friendships I have missed out on from this behavior?

    I am trying to learn that just because I find a person sexually attractive, does not mean that the relationship has to be sexual.

    I'm trying to be comfortable with the thought, 'I find him or her attractive. That's okay. However, I'm going to let the relationship grow as a normal friendship, as that is what it is supposed to be. I won't taint the relationship through sexual thoughts.'
     
  14. Pancho

    Pancho Fapstronaut

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    Exactly! That is what lead me back here.
    A woman who I found sexually attractive, who had the 'look'. I had to get involved despite the fact that we have nothing else in common.
    I want to meet a woman I like and share interests with, then grow to love and then enjoy 'making love' to, because that's exactly what it is, a woman will naturally become sexy if you like and love her.
    Having grown up with porn I've always thought that sexy women looked like porn stars. Of course there are many women who are dowdy and even ugly who I am sure make wonderful lovers. Equally I know for sure that there are many women who look 'porno' who are sexually indifferent or even frigid.
     
    Last edited: Dec 23, 2017
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  15. Arohamystic

    Arohamystic Fapstronaut

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    You've raised some great points @Pancho - if we find a long-term partner based solely on sexual attraction then things may not go too well. Of course, sexual attraction is good and important when seeking a partner - but there are other important elements such as shared interests, shared values, a shared vision etc.

    Our bodies change over time, this is especially true for women when they have children etc. So I think it is important to always have love as our focus, rather than physical attraction. If it is based solely on physical attraction and the body changes, we may have very little reason to stay with the person.
     
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  16. Pancho

    Pancho Fapstronaut

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    Yes! The majority of the women I've gotten involved with have the 'look'.
    Having said that, as you suggest there is nothing wrong with a woman being objectively sexy, dressing sexily, or indeed having a provocative nature.
    It's just that those traits must always be secondary to social, intellectual and emotional compatibility.
    It's the equivalent of buying a house that's unsuitable for your needs because you like the garage, I expect there are a few men who have done this...
     
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  17. J. Fylz

    J. Fylz Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for this!! It sounds like practically obvious answer....but it took you saying that to make me understand that it really is a commitment to myself, as well as to others...one that will have to happen time and time again until that path becomes the worn down one in my day to day activities. Thanks again for the honesty and for understanding.

    Happy holidays!
     
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