Introducing myself (mcpyykkiteline)

Greetings!


This is my first post to introduce myself to the community. I'm slightly over thirty, an Internet porn addict for more than 15 years. Watching porn "evolved" into a sex addiction. Although I'm in a relationship, I started Internet dating to find sex partners and I cheated on my spouse. I told her everything and she was shocked to the core.

When my addiction came out it almost ruined our relationship and me. I hurt the one I love most in the world in so many ways. This is just wrong, but it happened. I need to accept what has passed, trust the love of my spouse and try to change myself for the better. I feel the only way for both of us to recover is to have open conversation and find good support groups. This is why I'm here now.

I believe the most important step for me in my recovery was to stop watching porn altogether. Now, more than a month after I have completely stopped, I have begun to feel much better, more calm and relaxed. I find pleasure in everyday things and have a feeling I will enjoy life much more than before.

I believe one key point is that if I find myself going towards addictive thinking, I shift my attention to the feeling of pain I caused to my loved one. This is a theory of my own, but if I do this many times every day over a time period of a couple of months, the first non-conscious reaction that emerges from my brain will most likely be "naturally" against addictive behavior. I will try this idea if nothing better comes up.

I have a couple of ways to direct my thoughts from addictive towards constructive, such as good mobile games, WhatsApping friends, reading RSS or Twitter news, scrolling Facebook, simply resting for a while or doing moderate exercise. It has to be some sort of an automated way of doing things, to rewire the brain and change the habit. I also plan to spend a good deal of time doing personal research on the subject of internet porn addiction, as well as sex addiction and healthy sex in a relationship. I'm finding it extremely important to document my findings since I'm a researcher and some of this could be useful to other people who see themselves in a similar chain of events.


Yours,

mcpyykkiteline

 

Thanks Protagoras, I feel much better now that I'm in recovery. Nevertheless, I have to admit that every day some anxious thoughts rise into my mind. They could be related to how my wrongdoings can be interpreted, what my spouse has said to me recently about these things or some totally new viewpoint that shows a personal deficit in me that I had no idea about before. I've never really explored the feelings inside me thoroughly before my addiction came out.

The best way for me to approach these feelings has been to write them down, so I can analyze them in therapy. And to live the day well, without addictive behavior. Therapy has, in a "grand way", been good for me, but currently makes me feel bad and anxious since I now understand my wrongdoings in a broader perspective. I feel somewhat scared of what might uncover later, but I understand that knowing my personal deficits better is not a bad thing. Accepting myself as who I truly am, a recovering sex addict, is going to take some time. I figure I should just concentrate on living and feeling the energy of good life, as I now see that life is much better than when the porn and sex addiction was on.