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At which point in a relationship can you express your views on sex?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Anne-Dauphine, Sep 25, 2014.

  1. Sep 25, 2014 #1
    Anne-Dauphine

    Anne-Dauphine Guest

    I'm copying this which originally was on Alyosha's thread Dating Advice.

    I have a question that's a bit tricky. I'm sorry because this is a very personal situation but I don't know how to handle it. At which point in a relationship can you express your views on sex? What I'm trying to say is that, for me, I know I want to wait for wedding. That's my number one rule, no exception. How to explain it to someone? Can you just go on first date and say, "X, I really love you bro, I think you're fantastic and damn, dat ass, but sorry, my beliefs and my will is to wait for wedding night to shag you"? Where's the balance between not terrifying the guy, and making it extremely clear at the very beginning that I'm looking for a husband for life? I'm already so self-aware, imagining that I'm desired by someone is so hard to accept, that this is a very hypothetical question, but I know what my desire is and it's to get married to a guy with whom I will have BUILT a healthy, trust filled love, as I don't believe neither in Prince Charming, souls sisters and love at first sight.

    It's weird, I look around me, and the only thing I see is people that wouldn't be COMPATIBLE with me. I'm looking for people that would be compatible. What a weird word. I can't find anyone with whom I'll look great with (is this arrogance?), because they're all "too hot", "too good", "too smart", "too whatever", and it's the very reason I'm interested in them at the same time. The guy is my class is one of the hottest mofos I've ever seen, I can barely look at him more than three seconds because my jaw drop and my eyes become milky, how can I think that there is a possibility to get together (apart from the fact that I think he's gay - godamnit - and that we have pretty different mentalities)? Perhaps being different really suck then. Or is it the difference between "different", "weird", and "socially awkward"?...
     
    Anne-Dauphine, Sep 25, 2014
    Anne-Dauphine, Sep 25, 2014
    #1
  2. Sep 25, 2014 #2
    Ekhangel

    Ekhangel Fapstronaut

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    I have that "Female's declaration" A4 in my wallet containing several points informing the potential female of my attitude to relationships with women and basic expectations. It's actually more of a mockery and I never had the chance to show it to any female, but I like to know I'm prepared. + I want a wife with a sense of humor, so in case the girl I like presented with it somewhere in the beginning of the relationship kicks me in the balls for that, I'll at least know she wasn't the one.
     
    Ekhangel, Sep 25, 2014
    Ekhangel, Sep 25, 2014
    #2
  3. Sep 25, 2014 #3
    monvoyage

    monvoyage Fapstronaut

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    There is something else intersting here, which i also noted about myself... like there are two kinds of people for me

    1. The ones that don't interest me. They are not hot enough for me, not compatible, not good enough.
    2. The ones that are too good for me, too hot, too attractive - "i will never be good enough for them".

    In fact, that's not really true but it was for me for a long time. I'm on my way changing my attitude regarding this, you know, girls, relationships and so on.

    Here's how get beyond this shit: YOU GOTTA DISMISS YOUR EXPECTATIONS
    You don't know the [1] people. You expect them to be not combatible, or not good enough or whatever. And neither do you know the [2] people. You expect to be superhuman, unreachable just because you think they are attractive. But do you really know? Is there anything that you really know?
    Dismiss your expectations, dismiss your assumptions.
    If you think they are interesting - good, talk to them. But don't expect any outcome.
    You assume that no man is interested in waiting until mariage. But that's not real, that's just an assumption.
    You get what you assume. As long as you assume that there are only this two kinds of people, you will only see this two kinds of people. Don't expect anything and everyone will just be unique and wonderful.

    I'm still rather young, but from the little experience i have, i learned one thing: Most people are just as open as you are. So, if you want them to be open about your idea of a succesful relationship, you have to be open - be open to let the relationship develop, be open to be loved, be open to love.

    And to when you should talk about it: as soon as you feel there is a need to do so. Every relationship is different and develops differentely. There is no point on making up a rule like: on the second date. Maybe you happen to talk about those kind of things with someone you just met. Maybe things are getting serious with someone you've known for a long time.
    That's the best advice that i can give you: as soon as you feel there is a need to do so.

    We are all different. But it doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is that you know what you want. Make your truth, your perception of the world the only one that matters. Because everything else would be a pointless assumption anyways. What you want is the only thing you know. Stick to it. Don't be afraid and don't be ashamed. You are wonderful and you are perfect.
    Really, that's the only reasonable thing you can do! Feel what you feel. Think what you think. And do what you want to do. Live life to your standards.

    ... this is more like confused self-diagnosis but maybe you find something valuable here.
     
    monvoyage, Sep 25, 2014
    monvoyage, Sep 25, 2014
    #3
  4. Sep 26, 2014 #4
    e5s

    e5s Fapstronaut

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    Anne Dauphine,

    Hmmm... Sounds like Choice Paralysis (aka Analysis Paralysis). You've got the whole world at your feet, and you're a young, hot girl, poor baby. ;)

    I think it's easiest to talk about sex and values with a potential partner when you've got mutual friends. You can make your views known generally, and then you don't have to start from scratch getting to know each other on a series of dates. Most people I know who have good relationships interacted with each other in some sort of group setting before dating. Most people I know who are very happy with their partners understand that there is no "perfect match" or "the one" but they're glad to have this one who is more than good enough.

    I don't know much about deliberate dating, but I guess it makes the most sense there to get your sure deal-breakers out of the way first, cut things off there, and not worry at all about romantic opportunities missed.
     
    e5s, Sep 26, 2014
    e5s, Sep 26, 2014
    #4
  5. Sep 26, 2014 #5
    Anne-Dauphine

    Anne-Dauphine Guest

    Wow thank you so much all for your answers!!!

    Thanks Abel, totally forgot about the fact that some people actually might think like me, he. Perhaps is it because I'm so different from my own family, and don't except to find someone in my parent's social circle... I'd prefer a tattooed hunk to a snobbish Parisian boy, if ya know what I mean. No definitely I'm sure about why I want to wait for marriage, and I'm also sure I want to do it. I think that society plays an inevitable role in it but that's ok. It's so far from me, I can't explain for sure. I won't start to explain you what procreation is for me and to talk about motherhood because that's exactly the part I'm writing on in my statement for my school's exhibition haha. For now all I can say is that I'm more afraid of rejection or of not being desired by anyone than hurt or cheated on, because I think that these are stuff that comes AFTER wedding. I know, I know. Idea of abundance is hard to swallow. I think it's a mental game. Self-acceptance first. That'll allow me to take power. And I'm working for it.

    Haha, that's the kind of things that'd make me laugh! Actually it's a good idea, I like it. It feels so relevant for me to do that regarding my personality. Or at least just putting clearly your beliefs and wills on paper, even if it's just for yourself, but just in case one day you have to show it. I think that'll help me. Thank you Ekhangel!


    Everything you says rings so true to me monvoyage - except, and it's very important, that NO ONE is "not enough" for me, or at least I like to think so. Again, self-awareness. I can't judge anyone. I don't have the right to. But what you say about expectations... Godamnit it's so true it's almost hurting. I'm working hard on it but I think that I first have to break assumptions about MYSELF. I loved what you said about openness. And your answer to my initial question makes perfect sense to me. Lord hold me, I still have so much to learn! I'm not perfect, it would be arrogant to think so. I prefer to think that I'm always evolving. Perfection is unreachable, and unhealthy. It's wanting to be like God for me. And don't worry, I will.



    e5s, I'm grateful to have your opinion as I value a lot all that you say! Analysis Paralysis is very interesting, I did not knew such thing existed. I haven't thought either about the possibility of a relationship within a mutual friends group. It makes the task so much easier. I'm extremely prone to say absolutely everything on myself, especially the most personal stuff, I don't know why, so I definitely am the kind of girl to announce at the beginning to a group of friend my intentions regarding this - probably coupled to my PMO and PMO quitting experiences. "They're glad to have this one who is more than good enough.": this is EXACTLY what I'm trying to express, thank you. That's also what I'd like people to think about me, ha. Definitely, I won't regret anything, any opportunity missed, if it goes against my elemental principles and beliefs. Staying true to myself is my life struggle. I'm a sacrificial kind of person.



    In anyway I've realized that I'm absolutely not ready for a relationship. My grandma married at 19 years old, had 6 children, and stayed with my grandpa in a happy marriage until her death, January 5th - may you rest in peace I love you. I don't think that's what I want. Of course I want a happy, life long wedding. But I think that society has evolved, and it's too early for me. I just came out of my egg. Breaking the shell was hard enough. I still have to blossom. Dating, relationships, wedding preparation... It's too far away, it doesn't interest me that much for now. I'm focusing on myself and by focusing on myself I'm focusing on others. I want friends before a boyfriend. I don't even want a boyfriend. I'd like a husband. I know, being loved for what you are... I prefer to be loved for what I have become. Because what I'm becoming is so much BETTER than what I am right now.


    Thank you all again so much for your insights. You're making me grow.
     
    Anne-Dauphine, Sep 26, 2014
    Anne-Dauphine, Sep 26, 2014
    #5

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