Looking to start a group for husbands trying to be worthy of your wife's trust again

@TryingHard2Change - Not sure if you've come across this book, but it popped in my mind, so I thought I'd share it as a resource. Apparently, it has some Christian elements, too, which may speak to you. https://www.amazon.com/Worthy-Her-Trust-Rebuild-Integrity/dp/1601425368

My husband is reading it along with some other recovery materials.

Good luck with your group. I know that it truly helps anyone's recovery to be "among others" who get it and who are working on the same type of goals while supporting each other. My husband has found an on-line group for sex addiction which is working for him (along with a local in-person group). The on-line group apparently has discussions regarding the guys who are working on marriages and relationships, and he feels those discussions are helpful. It's a closed group, so the guys feel safe discussing whatever they need to discuss.

My husband shared this --- he posted something about healing our marriage in his on-line group regarding the wife's pain in discovering that her spouse is a sex addict. One husband responded that (in his opinion) what the wife feels is 1,000 times more painful than what the addict goes through. My husband told me it was good to hear other men share. It's validating for me, too.

Of course that's not a scientific number, but it's illuminating. Also, of course, it doesn't help the addict to beat himself up over what he did, but acknowledging the wife's pain and eventually making amends can help her heal, and can help the relationship.

The reality is that a wife can't force and addict to change and be healthy. An addict can't force a wife to magically heal, or want to be with him, either. Each person has to decide what is right for them.

Best of luck to you and your wife.

 

@TryingHard2Change and @LizzyBlanca is that book religious?

 

It sounds good but the religious part just doesn't work for us. Thank you!

 

My husband found it too religious, but I did not. He has serious issues with religious abuse as a child though!

 

Apparently, there are Christian elements, but my husband isn't Christian and he feels it's helpful. Like anything --- take what you like and leave the rest. ;-)

 

Hi @TryingHard2Change
I'd like to join this group if that's okay?
I've really damaged my wife's trust in me with my PM habit. As well as ogling and staring at attractive women.
I'm tired of it, and I've accepted that I'm addicted to Porn and that was really freeing, and now I'm on my journey to recovery.

She's really happy for me and supportive. The thing is she understands addictions because she's sober herself from drugs and alcohol (6 yrs) and she's been through the process. It's a long rough one. She's very smart, and amazing woman, mother to our 10 month old daughter and really driven to be successful at everything she does. She's not going anywhere. We both believe in being there for our daughter (we were both only children raised by single moms).

I've given her so many reasons to leave, and a part of me feels like the right thing to do is leave me, and start fresh. But I do want to be with her, and I have made a commitment to quit P and M.

Sorry, I feel like I'm not sure how to get to the point.

Point is, I need to find a way to win her trust back.

Thanks.

 

Hey @TryingHard2Change

Just thought I'd let you know Wife and I had a good day today. We tried FANOS while cooking dinner and it went really well.

We are learning a new way to be with each other. I finally acknowledged and agreed with her that the past 4 years of our relationship I have lied to her or told her half truths all the time almost. And it would make her feel crazy because I was always gas lighting her ( admitting to doing something wrong one day, then another day when she brought it up again I would deny it or 'beat around the bush' about it). It's really what our whole relationship was based on, this vicious cycle of doing something suspicious, not telling the truth about it, or half admitting to it, apologizing, and repeat.

She brought up an interesting point yesterday though. She said, she's not worried if I were to watch porn or masturbate again. What she would consider a relapse for ME would be to return to that state of gas lighting her like... forgetting I tried to change and everything I've admitted to her I go back on and try to deny it again. I found that interesting...

anyway, thanks for listening. How are things going for you?

 

Thanks for sharing this book

Thanks for sharing. I was just thinking about my need for a book on this very topic. I've been married 17 years. 3 months in my wife caught me looking at porn and I vowed to give it up. Needless to say that did not happen. Off and on again for years, but last two years has been bad; probably once every day and MO on top of that. She has said in no uncertain terms that I have to win her again, but she does want to we won (which is GREAT). I have not PMO or MO since 9/21 and it has not been that bad. I guess I was scared straight. However, every day she seems to grow more distant and our relationship is on rocky ground. I have some child issues I need to work through that have led to my PMO and MO and my total lack of sharing, being open and trustworthy, etc. we know the deal. The thing that kills me though is when she says "I guess we can't go on a beach vacation for the next 20 years b/c all I will do is undress women". Or, that she is done initiating anything. One time (and I'm all transparent now with her) I MO on FB to a girl I stumbled across who was an Alabama student. Totally random. Well, I Googled her. My wife found out. I lied. Went to turn on the Georgia v. Alabama game tonight and she walked out the house. I know that things in my past have helped create a terrible husband, but I do want to do better. I'm just very scared. She says for her recovery and mine we might need to be apart for some time. Some days I agree, most I'm scared that that is the beginning of the end and hurts the kids.

 

Also working on rebuilding my marriage. It was devastating to my wife. On multiple occasions she almost left, but I have tried to do all the right things to keep our marriage in tact. There are a lot of days where I feel like all I am capable of is hurting her. Today is one of those days in fact. Example: Her and I are both under 30. A 45-55 year old woman asked me for a quick spot in the gym this morning. I said sure. Under normal circumstances, that may have been just fine, but under the circumstances of salvaging a marriage, it caused my wife to leave for work in tears after I told her.

I tell you this story for two reasons:
1. Be open and transparent with your wife about things as they happen even if it might hurt her. It helps her trust you more in the long term and also offers her the opportunity to show you love and support.

2. Try to be mindful of seemingly innocuous things that can hurt your wife during this fragile time of recovery. You cannot control her emotions, but at this point in the game, its important to be mindful of your actions to help you mitigate problems. Who cares if you offend some unimportant person by saying no (in my case). Your wife comes first.

 

In your situation it sounds like my advice would be better suited (as you implied) towards when you two are communicating openly again. A bit more for when you get to that point...One thing that has helped my marriage is to sack up and be a man and lead. Its really easy to fall into an anxiety/depression cycle. When I am there, my shame tells me I am not fit to be a leader in my household and all attempts will be scoffed at. The reality is sure, some may be, but its important to find the support you need so that to your wife, you can be strong, masculine, and a competent leader. That will help her see that you are no longer a closet porn addict hiding secrets, but instead a new man that she can love and admire. If you are anything like me, it will be hard, because you will face crippling depression, anxiety and self hatred as you rebuild your marriage, but those are just emotions, they only reflect reality if you let your emotions lead you.
Stay strong. I will be praying for you.

 

Glad to help. Stay strong. She probably feels like she doesn’t know you. Thats how my wife felt. With time you can show her (and she will be able to receive) that you are still the man that loves her, but an improved version :]

 

Well its been about 4.5 months since the news broke. She still says it sometimes, at least once or twice a week. Its the hardest part of all this. She also tells me she wants our marriage and relationship to work, and its her hope that I can be the man she needs. So that is always encouraging. I was hiding my porn consumption for 3 or 4 months, I had gone all of our marriage without using it until then, I had still spent the years leading up looking at sexual content on the internet/social media and fantasizing and masterbating about other women. I looked at porn probably 3 or 4 times. Considering the circumstances of your story, its probably going to take longer for her to move past that than it did for my wife. It takes time. Your old marriage is dead, its going to be something very new moving forward which is terrifying but can also be wonderful.

A point of advice that has helped me: Make peace with the worst case scenario. Think through all the worst outcomes that terrify you the most, and resolve them in your heart that if they come to pass, that you will be okay. This will help remove fear of loss and conflict and allow you to approach her with love and confidence.

 

I am in a similar situation. After many years of watching porn and compulsive masturbation, my wife told me she has had enough of my lies and enough of my porn use. She had told me before that if she ever caught me with porn again she would leave. As of now she has not decided what she is going to do but she has been supportive of that fact that I am trying something to fix this. She feels that all of our memories are tainted with the idea that every special moment in our live was also shared with porn. I am trying to change her mind and show her that I can be a better man, husband and a father. This is my firs attempt at rebooting and I feel that the more support I have the better. At this time it is just my wife whom I have admitted the PMO problems. I do not think that sharing this with my family and friends is the best idea as of yet. I am not really sure if its something I should ever share with them. I do not know for sure what to expect over my 90 day reboot but from what I an tell from the many experiences here on NoFap....it will not be an easy journey.
I want do do this for my wife and family but more than anything I need to do this for myself.

 

I, too, feel that all our memories are tainted. More than half our lives together, all of it he had this hidden addiction. Now every picture I look at with him in it is different. I'm struggling to get past it. I don't know how or when.

As for sharing, we have both been incredibly selective on who knows (outside of therapists). On my end, only my mom and my closest friend know. Both adore and support him. On his end, he has only told one good friend. We have no intention of ever telling anyone else in our families.

Good luck to you.