The Difficult Road to Normal Sex

Just thought I'd share what I and my wife are going through. I welcome suggestions or thoughts.

I'm almost 50 and have had this addiction all my life. We have been together for 20 years. In the beginning, sex was great. But over time, things slowed down to the point of complete deterioration due to my PIED. My porn use went from mild to severe over the years and over the past five, it's gotten so bad that I couldn't get it up if she was going down on me. Horrific to both of us to say the least. My road to recovery began in earnest about 18 months ago. It's been slow, but steady, and I continue to learn and improve.

She has had a lot of other things going on in her life over the past five years, so to add my crap on top of it all has been just about as much as anyone can take. This goes to show just how strong of a woman she has become and is today. She is most loving and I can't express how fortunate I am to have her as my partner. Over the past month, she has moved more into my camp and made this fight "Us vs. It" instead of "Me vs. My Wife and My Addiction." That is a great help to me.

I would prefer that while I am quitting porn and the fake porn I make up in my head that I replace it simultaneously with a real, loving relationship and with real sensuousness. Having a potential place to redirect your natural sexual energy is healthy and good, but for me, it needs to be (re)learned.

When in bed, our agreement is that if my mind goes anywhere else but with her (if I begin to fantasize), we pause and/or stop until I am clear again. That should be, but is not, an easy thing to do. I have been successful, but even trying to fight it off takes my attention away from her for a few seconds and that still interferes with the moment for me.

My wife really, really wants to have regular sex. The desire for the spiritual, emotional, and sexual connection is strong and I completely understand her pain in this regard. While we are in bed, naked, kissing sensually and touching softly, she naturally gets turned on while I, with my PIED, am limp. It is at those times when I feel like, "Maybe I should just edge in my head. I'll get hard and then I can satisfy her desires. She doesn't have to know." That thought process is REALLY hard to discourage. I so want to make her feel good. But that's a slippery slope that I can't go down. As hard as it is, I'd rather disappoint her sexually than satisfy her artificially.

I know that this will take some time for me to recover - to regain the sensitivity of my penis and the mindset that goes with relaxing and just letting it happen. I've talked with my wife recently about touching me very softly and not vigorously trying to 'make it happen'. This does help some. I'm not trying to get jacked off as that won't help trying to regain feeling down there. If I am going to be touched, it needs to be gently.

I do struggle with worrying about getting hard, but I'm getting better in regards to that. But for me, the biggest help has been her approach to these attempts. While there have been only a few, it's her reaction to the aftermath of my failure that has been really, really positive. In the past, when I've not been able to get it up, her response has been expected: frustration and disappointment with a touch of disbelief. During those moments, I was finding that I became more upset with myself (You failed again!) and more upset with her (I'm trying here!). That made me NOT want to try again out of fear that I would hurt both of us again (and again). And she certainly wasn't left was a feeling of love or encouragement.

The past few times however, she has mentally rounded a corner that seems to be helping us both. Our approach is now this: If we try and fail, that's ten times better than not trying at all and just lying there in bed doing nothing. By her being understanding and us holding each other, we are embracing the moment as one in which we shared intimacy and love and worked as partners towards better bedtime frolicking.

It's been a tough place for her to arrive at and we are still early in this approach. But I feel a lot better about trying now. I feel like we have lowered our expectations to the point where we completely understand that 'what will be will be' and that we are okay with that. I won't be limp forever (last time I got aroused for long enough to know I still can, but not long enough to put it to good use) and we are gaining so much other important stuff in the process.

It's taken both of us time to come to terms with my problem. And it's taken time to get to a place where we are both ready to fight it together. I'm enjoying this new discovery of each other and look forward to the point at which I can be as good as husband as she is a wife.

Merry Christmas all and hope you have a healthier and happier New Year!

HTH,
BreatheDeeply

 

@phuck-porn! Yes, I am indeed blessed. I'm thankful for that every day.

Beyond the ED, the porn was definitely a problem in that she completely disapproved of it and considered it cheating on her. She made it well known that she wasn't happy about it. I then tried to hide it better than ever. I think that for a long time, she suspected that porn was still at the root cause of us not having a good sex life, but we really never discussed the issue head on. Instead, we just tried to plow through it. I would say that for a long time, I was not emotionally attached when we had sex. I think that she was just happy to have any sex at all, even if it wasn't great. In the end, my ED was too much for me to have even bad sex and we both knew that it HAD to be addressed.

Good luck to you. Build on that streak of yours. I'll be chasing your counter with my own.

 

So yeah, this is me. I often worry about it early on and that interferes with it actually happening. It's a silly, ironic little circle that I don't want to disappoint my wife and myself and that's exactly the opposite of where my mind taking me. I understand about your frustration with this. It's totally to be expected.

Regarding him taking care of you: That's great that he is able to do that and, more importantly, that you are willing to accept his efforts. This is really important to him, I would bet. Sometimes as recovering addicts, we want to give "whatever we can" simply because that's all we can do. It's not really "Well, I can't pleasure her with my penis, so I'll make it up to her by doing other things." To me, it's more like "I'm going to do everything that I am able to do. The rest will have to come later." It feels good to the addict when their actions are received and appreciated. Questioning the motivation behind them can cause discomfort for both involved. A guy doesn't want to feel like "he's only doing that part of sex because ___."

I've been thinking about the differences between PA and PIED regarding my own problem. I'm pretty sure I have some of both. I think it comes down to one of two circumstances: PIED - If I can't get aroused when I make out with my wife passionately and we are touching each other in an intimate setting. PA - I can't get aroused because my mind is interfering with just being with her.

With PA, I'm thinking "What if I don't get aroused?" "What if I can't keep an erection?" "What if I get an erection, but then lose it?" "What if I get an erection, but it's not strong enough?" and many, many more related questions. They all may lead to the same disappointment. What really sucks is how the answer seems so simple: Just don't think about it! Just do it! Alas, that's what's so very frustrating. Knowing the answer but not being able to implement it.

I understand the first part, but why would he wish it to go away? Or do you mean he wishes the baseball would go away?

HTH,
BreatheDeeply

 

Well that makes sense! Thanks for the clarification and good luck!

 

Thank you and congrats on your current streak. Keep up the good fight!