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What If I Was Wrong?

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by letter, Dec 28, 2017.

  1. letter

    letter Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    Hey everyone, this is some hard stuff to write...I hope it’s an easy read for you. If not, bear with me a moment?

    My life has been all kinds of wrong. Left alone, unloved... alcoholic at 12, drug dealer at 15. In and out of psych wards. Lucky I didn’t end up in prison. Lucky I’m alive. Still have to count not being on the streets as a miracle. All this is the easy stuff to say, lol.

    I’ve been on the brink of existence. For a long time I wondered if this world was real, if I was real anymore. I don’t admit this often, but I still need to be vigilant against the thoughts of suicide...even after seeing so many good and amazing things, it still comes knocking on my door. And this is still easy for me to say.

    So much has happened recently that I’ve had to come face to face with some of my core beliefs. I mean, I’ve faced stuff like the stuff above and stuff worse than that, and this stuff that happened recently goes deeper. It goes 24 years deep.

    As far as I know it, I may be living out the hopes of my 7 year old self. Back when my dad first disappeared, and I disappeared into my own little world...I taught myself how to be alone. I can still see myself there, playing with some legos, enacting the same story over and over: the story of how I would live through life alone, how I would face the rejection of all who I ever loved and be shunned.

    So far, my life has been 100% accurate to those stories I told myself long ago. It is almost like I made a pact, a solemn vow. I actually did that years later, at the wise age of 10...I vowed I would never marry so as not to ruin someone’s life like my dad did to mine.

    What if...I had never learned that?
    Would I be married now?
    Would I have kids?
    What would my life look like?
    And...if I was wrong in that back then, what have these last 24 years been?
    What if I was never meant to have been this lonely?
    Why did I go through life like this?!
    What happened to make me like this?
    Is it too late for me?

    Of course not.
    I must be thankful for what happened.
    For I become as I am for good purpose,
    knowing the pain of deep sorrow has given me empathy
    and as I wait for these 24 years to be redeemed from wrong to right
    I’ll look upon life differently...
    and ask “what if” to the future instead of the past.

    So what if I was wrong, when wrong can be made right?

    It’s hard for me to say that, I hope in the days to come it gets a little easier...or that I become a little stronger, a little wiser. :)
     
  2. I have empathy for what you have survived and the resulting, wonderful human being we are coming to know.

    All I can humbly offer is that "what if" is not the right question. There are so many variables to each "what if" question about your past, that the answer(s) are unknowable. Neither is "what if" an appropriate question about your future. You can only look to the future from where you are now and decide: "what will".
     
    ..Anna.., Jeremy_Jr. and letter like this.
  3. letter

    letter Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    Indeed! That seems like a more excellent way of going about it. I’ll have to wrestle with it a bit, the words “decide” and “future” are still difficult for me to reconcile to one another...but that’s just some old fatalistic ways of thought. Yes, it is possible to decide what will happen, especially with enough dedication, to carve out a future according to one’s own will.

    I really appreciate your kind and thoughtful words @IGY, I’ll give them ample consideration :)
     
    2525 and Jeremy_Jr. like this.
  4. Crimson Guard

    Crimson Guard Fapstronaut

    You're on the good road my friend! I am happy to see that you discovered the best from you! I consider you a succes story! You're an example. God bless you!
     
    letter likes this.
  5. letter

    letter Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    I'm still wrestling with your statement @IGY, in a good way of course. I believe there is wisdom indeed in choosing a path and destination, and working to get there. Right now there are a whole bunch of options. I'm steadily working through things, putting the pieces together to make sure I take the next step in the right direction.

    In a way, it's more about choosing who I'll become rather than what I'll do. I know these moments well...I know the feel of what is happening and what it means. I am not afraid of choosing poorly, rather, that I still barely grasp what it is that I'm choosing and that the choice will be a lasting one.

    I have some time yet before the moments shift and my choice, whatever it will be, will be set in motion. I am confident that I will find wisdom as I seek out what is best...

    What an exciting time!! :)

    Bless your eyes for how they see me :)
     
    2525 likes this.
  6. PedroCalrissian

    PedroCalrissian Fapstronaut

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    Although the past brought us to where we are, it doesn't define or confine us.
     
  7. Dingo2001

    Dingo2001 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for sharing this! I would like to point out that this was something that was done to you and not your fault. As human beeings we are shaped by our experiences and adapt, for good or bad.

    You where supposed, as all humans, to share life with others, and you still can! Dont ruminate on this in a way that stops you from going out and get company in life
     

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