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Pretty much desperate ...

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by Learn_Study, Jan 3, 2018.

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  1. Jan 3, 2018 #1
    Learn_Study

    Learn_Study Fapstronaut
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    Howdy Y'all !

    This is one of the hardest and humiliating things I have ever done, joining here and typing this.

    Im 45. Been fappin' since I was 8. ( I distinctly remember tryna stick my wee in a glass coke bottle. Yeah, Im that old & was that small ) No one showed me how to pleasure myself. I was never abused. I just knew, I instinctively knew. I was climaxing before I had ejaculate and semen. You can imagine my surprise when something came out the first time. ( What the fuck is this ? I must have got some vaseline jammed in there. " )

    My first connection between women and arousal was the film Kramer vs Kramer when it first aired on HBO. From there, it was all JC Penneys', Sears and Montgomery Wards catalogs. Fast forward, In Jr High I hung out with older kids who introduced me to porn mags and VHS movies. In college, my room mates introduced me to chatrooms, forums, etc. Now, I consider myself a porn master ....( wait for it )....

    Ive been married 20+ years. Ive had a normal marriage with very satisfying sex life... but I have never let me wife know about my continued porn abuse. My career field has taken a tragic down turn the past 5 years. Im virtually obsolete now. Once on top, Im now invisible. Making hundys, 20yrs ago ... making pennies today.

    This has led to ALOT of alone time, depression, thoughts of suicide, hopelessness, rage, lots and lots of rage, anger, self hate and porn. Lots and lots of porn. Floggin the dolphin two, three, five times a day, three / four days a week.... and it has now led to E.D.

    I cant remember the last time I got an erection without being manually stimulated... and once I get it up, as soon as I exert any kind of physical activity , even walking a few steps,... its down.

    To say that " Im at the end of my rope " is an understatement. My wife still doesnt know, she just thinks its hereditary ... which part of it may be ... but I cant go on any longer ... eventually, she will find out... and she may leave, probably will.

    This is the first time I've said anything to anyone.

    Currently, Im on day three of trying NoFap. I want to peel my fucking skin off.
    I've deleted 4GB of stimulations. Im making efforts to work out again ( at home ).. I cant go to the gym cause I get triggered as FUCK ! ...( My teen years was when spandex was popular the first time. LOL ) My wife gets on me about not going to the gym, Im running out of excuses.

    Im going to be taking some online training, towards a career. I may try to get a certificate in some other craft / field.

    Ive watched hours of videos on YouTube about the positive and scientific effects of NoFap and its made me realize ... my whole God-Damm-Mutha-F*ckin' life, fappin and porn addiction has held me back ... in everything.

    I need this to work ... or a divorce lawyer will get the work .

    Please pray for me.

    Thank you for being here.


    ... bater.
     
    Learn_Study, Jan 3, 2018
    Learn_Study, Jan 3, 2018
    #1
  2. Jan 3, 2018 #2
    Septimus

    Septimus Fapstronaut

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    Welcome @Learn_Study, I'm glad you're here!

    I really understand your anger and feelings of desperation. All I can say is that this site and interacting with people here, can and will help.

    It's a hard road, but it's doable. Don't hesitate to let me or anyone else know if we can help.
     
    Septimus, Jan 3, 2018
    Septimus, Jan 3, 2018
    #2
    Learn_Study likes this.
  3. Jan 3, 2018 #3
    Rob_B_

    Rob_B_ Fapstronaut

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    Hey there, welcome to the site, so glad you found your way here. :) Plenty of support available here to help you start turning your life around. It's a challenge, but you can do it.

    Much of what you say resonates with me - the PM'ing starting quite innocently, then gradually getting worse, and ending up out of control with PIED etc. And the alone time, that's a real killer.

    How 'bout you shuffle to our 40+ forum and start journalling, you'll find that process incredibly helpful in its own right, I'm sure, and it lets others build a dialogue with you, for mutual support. C'mon over, it's a really good bunch of characters there! :)
     
    Rob_B_, Jan 3, 2018
    Rob_B_, Jan 3, 2018
    #3
    Learn_Study likes this.
  4. Jan 3, 2018 #4
    Breezy5905

    Breezy5905 New Fapstronaut

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    Welcome man. Here to help if you need someone to talk to.
     
    Breezy5905, Jan 3, 2018
    Breezy5905, Jan 3, 2018
    #4
    Learn_Study likes this.
  5. Jan 3, 2018 #5
    Learn_Study

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    Word ... Done. Thanks !
     
    Learn_Study, Jan 3, 2018
    Learn_Study, Jan 3, 2018
    #5
  6. Jan 3, 2018 #6
    Reverent

    Reverent Fapstronaut

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    You are in good company @Learn_Study. Like many of us you have self medicated (aka poisoned) for years. PM are a coping mechanism we develop to escape. Then the downward spiral of addiction sets in and before long we are compulsively acting out just because.

    It is a courageous thing you have done for signing up and attempting to reclaim your life. I, like you, don't think I ever went much longer than 2 days without M. And that was for 30yrs! I honestly didn't believe it was even possible to not Masturbate, and look now I have gone 100+ days without it. There is hope, I promise that.

    I pray that your wife will eventually come to know and seek help and work with you through this healing. Only when the time is right, though. Addiction thrives and hides in secrecy. And even though we can't see how, it certainly affects our women and any relationship.

    You my friend have done the first valiant and bold thing by sharing your darkest turmoil, accepting responsibility, and committing to change. That is very Nobel.

    Just as you stepped out of yourself to open up and share in this thread, continue to be brutally honest and transparent here. We won't judge, we relate. In the vulnerability comes the healing.

    Again I commend you for your courage and I am excited to see where this journey leads you.

    "Do your very best, what you plant now you will harvest later."
     
    Reverent, Jan 3, 2018
    Reverent, Jan 3, 2018
    #6
    Learn_Study likes this.
  7. Jan 3, 2018 #7
    LakeMichigan

    LakeMichigan Fapstronaut

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    @Learn_Study welcome to nofap!
    I can totally relate to this feeling. I am also in my 40s and I have been robbed of all my sex life and countless hours because of PMO.
    I am glad you are here trying to change things. There is still a lot we can save for ourselves if we can get rid of this addiction. Keep coming back.
    I wish you good luck!
     
    LakeMichigan, Jan 3, 2018
    LakeMichigan, Jan 3, 2018
    #7
  8. Jan 3, 2018 #8
    Learn_Study

    Learn_Study Fapstronaut
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    After watching hours of youtube videos on the scientific affects ... Im so PISSED at the unknown and missed opportunities and possibilities. For me personally, my career, my education, everything. What have I missed ? I've got to try and turn that around. FUCK !
     
    Learn_Study, Jan 3, 2018
    Learn_Study, Jan 3, 2018
    #8
  9. Jan 3, 2018 #9
    Learn_Study

    Learn_Study Fapstronaut
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    @2525 - Thank you. Ill try the 7 !
     
    Learn_Study, Jan 3, 2018
    Learn_Study, Jan 3, 2018
    #9

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