Reached 90 days for the first time in my life - my second story

Glad I could help @vibemaker , and that is an awesome realization. And yes I really like this video. I keep using it every time. I should maybe try to break free and do my own thing, but after a while I am thinking. Do also check out Zen Life Relax on Spotify, it's quite helpful for not thinking too much when trying to sleep and during sleep.

 

This is so inspiring! I feel I can do anything after reading this. I'm happy u made it!

About meditation, how do you do this? I want to start doing that too, but I have no idea how.

Good job man, keep going strong!

 

Thanks man for your kind words, I really appreciate it . Meditation is pretty simple as long as you know how to do it. Find yourself a quiet place where you can sit undisturbed. You can either sit in a chair, or the floor or however you like. Just have your back straight, otherwise it would be easier to fall asleep. And falling asleep is not the meaning of meditation. When you are ready close your eyes and let the breath come naturally. Focus on the breath, feel how it flows through your body and how it feels. You may notice that you start to think about different stuff. Whenever you do that, observe your thought and then focus back on your breath. Be ready to do this many many times. And even if you feel the thoughts coming on strong, this doesn't mean you have failed, as long as you focus back on your breath. Maybe start with 2-3 mins first and then extend it as further and more comfortable with it you get. I will recommend this video, which is what I use most of the time. It's a guided meditation video, and for me it has helped a lot. I hope you find this information helpful. Good luck .

 

Thank you for these kind words . You've come pretty far as well

 

Yes, would be great if you did . It's gotten 8 pages or so long now!

 

I will bookmark them and read them when I have time. I like to check out the journals of people I have the most contact with here, and yes that means I read the whole thing haha. Here is the thread (if you have already found it, this link is now useless ): https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...y-first-two-months-and-the-road-ahead.138800/

 

Of course I can . Will write something today or tomorrow

 

So, I was asked by @vxlccm to write something about how I still feel successful despite my recent events. Okay to preface first, during Christmas I M’ed after 64 days not M’ing. I felt horrible after the first time and I had trouble getting rid of my regret and shame. It helped when time went by and I got to talk about it. Then I did it a second time and I didn’t feel as horrible after. But I have a sneaking suspicion that some after-effects are still there. When I came back to my place I broke down quite literally. I didn’t crash however, all though it could somehow feel like that. I was scared, I was sad, and I was missing my parents and family. I mean going from spending lots of time with people to getting back to your empty place and then feeling alone again is not a great feeling. I was also scared because I was sure that all the lingering bad feeling and thoughts were gonna come back stronger and more persuasive. I felt overwhelmed and for that reason some stuff came a little back and some stuff are still plaguing me. But mostly? No, the progress has not been lost at all actually. I still feel the glimpses of the person I want to be screaming for me to let him out. I am listening to him, even more intently now, because I can see the how things can be and how things have been. And I’d like to further progress the former not the latter. I want my life back.

I am handling this sadness and crying now lot better than I would’ve had it been four months ago. If this had happened then, well I don’t really want to think about that. Not that I don’t trust that I would have survived, but it would probably have been to overwhelming for me to handle. Yes, it was hard Monday and Tuesday when I felt like I was back to the constant crying (if you want to read more about this, see my journal). But it felt more like a detox than that anything more was “wrong” with me. I feel different after coming back than I felt when I left for Christmas. I can’t explain it but the atmosphere and how I feel are different after these four days back. Spending much time with my family has done wonders for me, as well as I see that the progress I have felt is still there. The porno images are barely visible when I walk outside, or rather I don’t see them if I don’t overthink. When I do go to much into my head then I will indulge them, and they will make a mess of me. But still, I am better at picking myself up then I was. So, if I in a certain time of day are experiencing something I don’t want to experience I am much quicker at taking hold of it and kicking it out then letting it stay. Need more work, but mostly I am coping with it. What else? I am still very much reading, felt a bigger motivation to exercise when I got back, motivated to get a new job and move away. I feel more motivation than I did. The anxiety is in some respects worse, but if my anxiety that is gonna to be the only thing left, then I am quite sure I will be able to handle that better than before. My worst thoughts processes are going away, my negativity is steadily declining, and I actually feel like I am going to be able to do this. Still there are stuff that need to be ironed out, but mostly I feel like I can handle this better.

And also, something I noticed during the holiday. I have always been an irritable child, someone who always wanted attention and sometimes not a pleasant person to be around. This has caused ripples in my relationship with my parents. When I was home I was irritated after a couple of days, and then I wouldn’t talk at all. And my parents didn’t know what to do or how to talk to me, because I always answered like I didn’t want to be there. I resisted this idea for some time, but after delving into myself and seeing how this Christmas was, they were right. This Christmas I was talking a lot to them, we were sitting in silence when there was nothing to talk about without it being awkward, my mom wasn’t afraid of me snapping at her, she didn’t feel like she always had to talk to me and my relationship with my father grew a lot. I have always had a good relationship with them, but I think my recovery and this holiday has solidified it immensely.

Yes, I still regret M’ing, but I don’t feel the shame anymore. I probably shouldn’t have done it, but I feel like I have learned a lot from it. Yes, it might have something to do with my anxiety coming back, but overall I feel a lot better than when I left. I feel more like me. Still this town where I live have a lot of places where I think this and that negative, association, also in my place. But mostly I am coping better with it than I ever thought I would. I have big plans for this year, and when I succeeded in them things will be a lot better for me. This will be my year I am sure of it!

P.S: Or should I write this in it's own thread?

 

Thank you.

I need to tell you something. Something very very important. I respect and admire you even more now.

Strange? I mean strange that I'd admire you after your admission of M?

That's not what I admire even more now. I'm not perfect, nobody is perfect. But, you came back, picked up the pieces and started again. I hope you feel even 1% of the strength I've gain from reading your share.

Keep it up. You are working a program of a human, a real person. Thank you again.

- L

 

Thanks man, I really appreciate it . I feel humble! You are right, nobody are perfect, I am definitely not! I really do feel that my friend, today I feel much more in tune with myself than I have in a long long time. I have hope, no I know it's only gonna grow stronger in the coming weeks and months (maybe even days after a while). Again, thank you for these words, means a lot to me .

 

Welcome.

- L