How My Favorite Celebrity Ended My Battle With Pornography

Disclaimer: I have taken great pains to avoid using any explicit names, terminology, or references, while still maintaining the intended message. Please take a moment to read this article in full.

By now, we're all aware of the minefield of leaked photos out there of various celebrities since the Labor Day debacle. Like many people, I have a few favorite celebrities that I follow, and one in particular was the victim of this heinous invasion of privacy. I will not name any names in the interests of completely avoiding any potential triggers, but that's not as important; it was my pet celebrity, which is why it affected me particularly in the way that it did. And even though I find the act of hacking into peoples iClouds and stealing,t hen distributing, their personal effects atrocious, I am infinitely grateful for the one of the unexpected ripple effects.

I accidentally stumbled upon the photos (or maybe, like many, I "accidentally" stumbled upon them, I'm not really sure). They weren't particularly erotic - I guess most of us would consider them tasteful - but that's besides the point. This online encounter should have been just another dip in the road, but it hit me in a way I hadn't expected. To me, this actress was someone respectable, essentially upstanding, and characteristically pure. And with this invasion into her privacy, I saw a side of her that, frankly, I regret ever seeing. I wasn't prepared for the sinking, gutted feeling I'd have. It took some introspective thought and soul-searching to realize that I was disgusted by the desecration of something sacred - the naked body of a woman, something valuable that should be held only for the man of her choosing. That sacredness started to mean something to me that day because I realized what had been lost in that single moment. Just like this actress couldn't pull her photos back off the infinite cloud that is the internet, I couldn't simply delete the side of her I'd seen, and had no business seeing.

It's easy for us to numb ourselves to what we're doing, what we're seeing, when we're given no perspective and no depth. The actresses in pornography are anonymous and have no identity beyond a stage name; we see them for ten minutes at a time and often never again. We've all heard the statements, "Oh, that's someone's daughter/sister/etc", but that statement doesn't really have a lot of impact in and of itself. This actress, compared to most people in my life, doesn't really have much meaning to me, but still, that transition, that loss of something sacred, stabbed me in the gut. To further drive home the point, I replace the actress with any one of my close female friends whom I care about, and the wretched feeling is even worse. Something sacred is lost. When I give an identity to the target of my lust, I can no longer apathetically hide behind my lustful actions.

As a result of all of this, with this renewed perspective, I'm hounded. I still have triggers and urges, but they've majorly paled in comparison to a vivid understanding of the sacredness of what I have been violating. I don't even want to see another naked body. I barely want to see my girlfriend naked, even in the future after we're married. Admittedly, that's because I'm terrified of her inheriting the perspective I've had of innumerable other women that have satisfied my lusts, and that occurrence would, I believe, defile what is sacred about her. She deserves better. I am also reminded of Job, who remarked, "I have made a covenant with my eyes never to look upon a woman with dishonor."

No one can undo what has already been done - no one can tear down what's already on the internet, and no one can unsee what has already been seen. I wish I could, but at the same time, I wouldn't give this lesson up for anything. Some fortunate men learn this from their fathers and mothers growing up; I had to learn it in another way.

So, for all of you out there that are struggling with an addiction to pornography, I hope you can glean some part of this new perspective that I have had dawn on me. If you can grasp this epiphany - as I have - then I believe that the weight of what is at stake, of what has been lost, and what must be protected will outweigh the lusts of the flesh that we all struggle with as men. Take a moment to recognize the what is lost every time a woman takes off her clothes for the world to see. Take a moment to realize what actually is happening when a beautiful woman takes what is most precious, and should be safeguarded and protected, and either loses it all in rebellion to her virtue or has it stolen away against her will.

Wake up, men of valor. And as always, don't tap!

 

Put self to death.

I've been struggling with pornography for fourteen years. I've experienced little to no success from all the usual methods - pure willpower, concentration, distraction, avoidance, self-help books, prayer - you name it, I tried it, and in the end, I was helpless.

I can't describe every little thing that has changed in me, but here are a few:

I have a wonderful accountability partner in my girlfriend - one of the few women on the planet capable of being truly understanding, involved, and loving through my worst of vices. Most women are incapable of being good accountability partners, though, so it's important to have someone you can talk with, trust implicitly, at any point of the day. NoFap forums are a good start because there's someone here basically all the time and every last one of us will encourage you and get your back.

Like I mentioned in this article, your perspective has to change. This is where "put self to death" comes in. Of all the most important things I mentioned, perhaps the most important and momentous was my personal realization of the severity of what was going on. I was buying into a lie about sex and sexuality, and it was deceiving me directly into a hole in the ground. I was lusting over women - real women with real lives - and recognizing the sacred nature of what I was robbing (and what, sadly, women were freely throwing away) played a major role in my perspective change. And finally, I have something to live for: to be a better man, boyfriend, husband, and father. Any one of those is a noble and important quest to partake upon.

There are the obvious things, too, but we often neglect them. First, avoid your triggers - you know what they are and you know where they are and where they're likely to pop up, so plan ahead and avoid temptation if you can before it ever shows itself to you. Second, do not compromise with yourself. There's a little liar in your head trying to get you to relent on one aspect, any aspect, something to give him a firmer grasp on your heart and to drag you back down into the gutter. Therefore, whenever you catch yourself toeing the line or asking a question like, "Can I get away with...", instead retreat at full speed and ask yourself, "How close to purity can I get?" Never sell yourself short, never lie to yourself, never concede, and never ever compromise. The only way you get away from this addiction is cold turkey, severing the head, kicking it away, and burning the body. Game over - no continues remaining.

I tend to find that if you recognize temptation coming and know its habits, it's much easier to avoid or defeat if it does appear. My old pastor used to use the acronym H.A.L.T. to refer to the times when we are most vulnerable to temptation from lust: When we're hurting, when we're angry, when we're lonely, and when we're tired. When you're alone in your room after a long day at work, after a stressful event in life, with no food in the house, rent hanging over your head, and nothing in particular to do (bored), you're exhibiting any number of these characteristics.

To combat this:

Hurt: Attend hurt and pain. Hurt from offenses, rejection, loss, etc can devolve into bitterness, unforgiveness, and depression. Recognize it where it is and tend the wound (talk to someone, share with someone, pray, meditate, write, do whatever is necessary).

Angry: Let it go. Anger often comes from hurt, but it can be countered (as with many things) by a dedicated choice to accept it and let it go. Recognize that no one has the authority to dictate how you feel or how you react. Above all else, learn to forgive.

Lonely: Don't isolate yourself. Get out of your room, go talk to some people, get out of the house and take a walk, go to the gym, call a friend, spend time with your wife/SO (you should be doing this a lot anyway if you have one).

Tired: Take care of yourself. Make sure to keep a decent nutritional diet and don't allow yourself to lounge around lazily, especially when you're exhausted and alone. You can't fight very well when you're out of energy.


Hopefully, these tips help, my friend. Keep up the good fight. Renew your perspective. Make quality decisions. Recognize the reality about women, pornography, lust, and sex, and tear down lies that lead to broken lifestyles. Pray, sleep, socialize, share. And above all else: Don't tap!

 

If there's one thing I've learned from this process, it's this: in order to beat pornography, you've got to make up your mind once and for all not only that it's destructive, but why it's so destructive. The urges still pop up every so often, but I'm more convinced than ever before that the old life is not one I want anymore.

 

The analogy is especially true. This is one avenue that you can't wean off, because any connection to pornography simply reinfects and causes you to relapse. There is no method to gradually taper off, at least not without an almost guaranteed risk to backslide. With pornography, you have to turn around and run. Don't toe the line, don't compromise, and certainly do not mince words or concepts; run away from impurity and run toward purity, and don't look back.

 

I'd like to take this moment to point out something very important: A trigger doesn't have to be overtly sexual.

See, at the heart of us men, we're very passionate. We imagine, we feel, we think, we consider, we ponder, we dream. Women are considered the "emotional" sex, but that's not to say that men are bereft of a deep, pondering imagination. We crave adventure, competition, intrigue - and, yes, we crave romance.

As we cut off our addiction to pornography and masturbation, our previously bombarded senses are given an unexpected reprieve. Whereas we were used to regular submission to the urge, to being showered and overwhelmed with the chemical rush and the sexual desire, our body and mind have a hard time coming to terms with the fact that we suddenly and rudely disconnected the feed. Just like going cold turkey with any addiction, every affected system (in this case, the body, mind, and emotions) all go through withdrawal. We're especially susceptible during these times.

Note: I am not suggesting for a moment that "weaning off" pornography and masturbation is a viable alternative. Complete cessation is the only method to kill off this addiction because (as we all know) even the slightest compromise leads to complete collapse.

As the days and weeks go by, you'll start to notice that susceptibility fade off a bit, only to be replaced by a new sensitivity. This is important. This new sensitivity is a bit of a double-edged sword. On the one hand, certain things that would not have normally been potent enough to trigger a sexual urge or desire in you suddenly appear in a whole new light (such as photos of clothed celebs as opposed to nudes, for example).

On the other hand, a new world opens up for you to express and experience sexuality in subtle, purer ways. Prospects such as conversation, hand-holding, or even the very presence of a woman suddenly have more potency. You're granted the ability (for some of us, a new experience!) to express your sexuality in non-carnal, non-impure ways, and experience the sexuality of other women in non-carnal, non-impure ways. It becomes possible to find new joy in simple experiences and receive a level of satisfaction and fulfillment out of them. The previously drug-overwhelmed mind and heart begins to perk up and awaken; senses begin to tingle and reach out; the haze lifts.

Suddenly, life begins to have some real color to it.

So, let me encourage you in this: As you struggle with the increase susceptibility to temptation, continue the good fight. Do whatever you have to do in order to win this war. There are green shoots and tender saplings coming up through the ashes - signs of beauty yet to come, beauty that would never have been noticed or even just survived in the former war-torn landscape.

Don't tap!

 

Good on you, brother. Keep doing what you're doing.

I tend to remind myself regularly, even if I've not being tempted, of the reality of what I'm actually putting in front of my eyes. It's so easy for us to remain addicted to PMO when we're convinced that we're just looking at pigment and pixels with no soul and no identity and no value beyond the next five minutes. If we refuse to allow ourselves to be deceived, then suddenly we can no longer ignore the identity and value of everyone around us.

The truth will set you free.

 

So far, this approach seems to be paying dividends. Choosing to honor and value the identity of women has not only helped me avoid PMO on principle, but I've really started to rediscover what it means to value a woman - especially and namely, my girlfriend.

I will say that I don't think I could look at a Jennifer Lawrence video the same from now on, though. That's probably one of the gut feelings that caused me to start down this journey in the first place: once you cross that line, there's really no going back. I can't "unsee" someone's private, personal life. Hopefully, I can get over it and actually enjoy the Hunger Games in the future, eh?