Any success stories on spouses overcoming there husbands porn addiction??

Our DDay was March 14,2017 and we are still working through things. He said he knew he had to confess and quit or our relationship would be over. It had gotten really bad after 17 years, we were fighting all the time, I couldn’t figure out what was wrong and why he was cut off emotionally to me. Since his confession and quitting pmo, I’ve seen some pretty amazing things happen...
-He talks to me about his intimate thoughts and feelings.
-He no longer has ED and his penis has actually Grown from 6 to 7inches, no joke!
-He makes time with the kiddos and talks to them about real issues and goals. He’s even told our 3 teenage boys about nofap and how it affected his entire life. He says he wishes someone would have told him at that age.
-He’s more engaging in conversations with our clients, (we run a business together) and our business is doing better than ever!
-He’s started reading, working out and taking vitamins.
-He’s more confident in conversations in public. (He used to studder some)
-He looks at my face during sex!
-He kisses me.
These are a few things I can think of, but every day is growth and I’m sure there will be more!
Last night, we drank wine and danced in the living room for hours. Fast and slow, it was so much fun!
Some memories are triggers for me, but we are working on creating new memories together.

 

aww, that was nice to read, have a wonderful time.

 

I get teary-eyed reading this type of story, as I too have had a transformation like this. It's so much bigger than porn addiction and it can become a snowball effect of benefits if you keep working at it. Thanks for the great post!

 

Thank you! Would love to hear your story too!

 

Still stabilizing and figuring out how to build trust. I was pregnant when he told me and focused on my body and baby when it was exposed. So I didn’t really deal with the full ramifications until after baby was born in August. I lost some of my hair from stress, growing back now. Still have anxiety around 2 almost every day, but he has made me feel loved and wanted. We communicate our needs now nonstop. Communication is key

 

I have been able to forgive, it’s the forgetting part that’s a little harder. That’s why we have been focused on creating new memories together. We went on our first cruise together, we wrapped presents together, we ride together to work, we workout together, etc. Believe me, I have moments when I go down a downward spiral and feel really sad and rejected. But I have seen a lot of changes and really try to keep my focus on that. Are you starting to see some improvements of your hubby yet?

 

@Blackswan
We are almost two years post.
(no relapses- as those can reset a girls clock!)
I find myself more focused on my work than his addiction or his habits.
Sex is good and often.
We have a honest and transparent relationship.
We fight like cats and dogs occasionally but it's definitely waning in the "old habits categories"
We just had a big one and we had another last year but it's different.
I don't always worry he's turning away...
I don't fear that I'm second anymore... He's still "present" afterwards.
And even though it takes him a minute..
He does return to try to see my side, even when we don't agree, we do compromise.
I still have the occasional bad day where I get anxious but it's not like it's not copable.
Or he doesn't notice or try to make it better.
He's passing the point triggers without cause, so mine, while infrequent, are more likely to occur than his.
It's still pretty rare but I imagine it will be pretty random and on and off, for years.
It doesn't just go away.
He has to keep being honest.
My SO does a pretty good job of being accountable though...
He's learned to call so I don't think he died at work and stuff like that (his job is dangerous)
It's the little things.
We recently had a discussion about recovery in years two to three.
While he is doing very well, he does not want to backslide.
He likes his new life.
His new self.
I thought we would abandon some of the tools that got us this far.
(Or put them on hold unless we need them again later.)
He did not want to, which I found surprising.
I think this helps me.
It makes me feel comfortable.
Knowing he likes living this way for now.
He's not ready.
He is actively thinking about it and how he feels.
He hasn't triggered in months.
I don't check the history.
He does His l recovery work.
He works every day making me feel safe again.
We are still working on the roots of his addiction and several unanswered questions.
I however, feel better just knowing he does his own research and work and has held this for as long as he has now.
It's taken alot though.
It does take a lot.
I hope this helps.
I sincerely wish you the best.

 

This is so encouraging!!! Thank you!!

 

Your Welcome.

 

For me, struggling with this stuff myself completely changed the way I view my husband's struggles. I'm so much more understanding and patient, and less hurt and personally offended when he fails, because I know what it feels like. I obviously wouldn't recommend anyone go out and get themsleves addicted to porn, just so they can understand better, but... I would be lying if I said that didn't work for me. So I think the best way to overcome, for me, was to strive to understand this as best as I can. Some things, however, I don't think I could have fully understood and related to without struggling myself as well.

 

I don’t know when DDay is for us because for me it’s not when I discovered the porn but when my SO, @ReturningToEarth, started showing he cared to change for his benefit more so than mine. In order for me to start healing and feel he was being honest in the relationship I needed to see him love and be honest with himself. Once his actions matched his promises, then I was able to focus on feeling invested in the relationship again vs. preparing to leave.

Agreed. It took work on both our parts to really understand each other. To NOT make assumptions and jump to conclusions based on our words, but to understand the meaning behind what we were trying to express. To really listen to each other instead of thinking about our own reply instead. Now we’re both much better at saying what we mean with clarity and listening with patience and understanding.

Forgive? Yes! Because his actions speak volumes.

Forget? No. Not entirely and I don’t plan to. I see this aspect of our relationship like a campfire. I know it’s hot and smokey, but I’m not going to let it scare me just because there is an element of danger to it. But having been near flames before, I’ve learned that I’m also not going to reach for my marshmallow stick if I drop it within the smoldering logs. I feel a part of me needs to remember the pain I felt from betrayal to protect myself but not dwell on it in order to also to protect my emotional state and our relationship.

This has been the big token that has also helped me heal. It’s been over a year since he really invested in recovery. I mostly don’t get triggered by things that bothered me in the beginning but annoyingly, when I least expect it, there are still occasions that it has happened. I think this bothers me the most because I’m generally intune with my body, keep it in shape and healthy, and people often tell ask me how I manage to be so stress-free. I use to say - “It’s easy! Mind over matter!” Ha! This year I’ve had more doctors visits than ever in my life and several panic attacks - a totally new experience for me. But what pulls me through and has saved me from being worse off is my SO compassion, understanding, and care. I never ask him to but he always apologizes for causing the stress that is affecting my life. I tell him it’s not his fault and it’s my responsibility to get through it but, if I’m honest, I appreciate the acknowledgment.

His love for me and for a better him and my devotion to self care have gotten me through this experience. The time and effort we have both taken in understanding addiction, attachment, communication, relationship growth, self-love, etc. can be recognized in the way we treat and respect each other. I believe there is always room for growth and learning. I am hopeful and positive about our future.

Best wishes to you and yours @Blackswan! Remember, you deserve only the best!❤️❤️

 

Beautifully written @ItsNeverTooLate ... thanks for sharing.

 

Day 21 here. It’s still the beginning but I’ve seen some major changes and improvements. We set aside an hour to talk every night about our day and mostly
How he’s feeling that day with his battle. It’s been very productive to do this. Many nights it’s led to some heavy petting and more intimacy. Last week it was finally sex for a few minutes at least and no more “dead dick” as they call it. He was honest in the beginning and said he couldn’t feel much. Now he says the sensations are returning slowly.

He no longer takes his phone in the bathroom (that was his thing). He comes to bed when I go to bed. He is talking more and sweeter to me and the kids. He is working out several times a week now and his complexion has cleared up. He shows up for our weekly counseling sessions too.

I know it can seem like a long road, and no hope in it, and I’m still skeptical just 21 days in, but celebrate every day. Each one matters and your support of him matters. One of the biggest things I did to move forward was tell him to his face that I forgave him. This made a huge difference in how I felt. Good luck!

 

Hi INTL. If you haven't read "When Panic Attacks" by David Burns I highly, highly, highly recommend it. It's a really practical guide for CBT that you can use on your own and in your everyday life to resolve anxiety/panic. It's been a life changer for me.

 

My mom has that book! I skimmed through it at Christmas. Should have borrowed it. My therapist’s recommendations worked for the one I had most recently.

I’m very interested in CBT and love reading. @Strength And Light Thank you for the referral!