PLEASE DON'T JUDGE ME

Hello everybody
I just wanna throw away these harmful activities I realised while being addicted to PMO. Please don't judge me
I just write this thread to get off of my mind all these memories I have about my bad behavior. I think It is better if I write them for not carrying them into my mind. Please stop reading if this thread contains any triggers for you.

I'm an almost 19 Y/O straight male who has been addicted to gay porn since when I was twelve. I come from a very big catholic family (I have 5 siblings and my parents). I am studying in a catholic-only-male school, and I have been there since pre-first.
I remember I had a happy childhood and nothing bothered me at all. One day, one teacher gave us for homework to search for the parts of the masculine ganitals (It was on Biology class of course). At that stage of my life I was a really mature child who knew that 'one should take those topics seriously'.

When I got home, I entered to my room and for being modesty, I closed the door and googled penis. While it was loading, I remember I started to feel an erection (but I didn't really know what was happening). Then it loaded and I commit the stupid thing of clicking on images.
I had never saw before someone else's cock, so It provoked dsgust in me, but I continued looking at the images.
After that day I continously looked for them and started playing with the words I entered; so that I writed every expression used by my classmates to describe a cock.

-I didn't even know a vagina. I didn't even know about sex!-

Secretly I became a gay porn addict and pretended everything was okay. The first time I masturbated I was lying on my bed face-down and I felt my cock. I discovered that if I pressed it towards the bed, it would feel good. I sarted moving a lot and then ejaculated -I didn't know what was happening- and then I felt guilty.
Then I became a masturbation addict.

When I was third-teen, I shared room with my two brothers and sometimes I had to share the bed with one of them. I remember one night I slept with the older one (8 year older than me) and I had a strong urge. And a terrible thought. While he was sleeping I -shivering- slipped my hand into his pijamas, and then into his boxer, and finally I grabbed his cock. At that moment It felt 'great' but is one of those mistakes I will never forgive myself.
What hurts me more, is that the next morning I heard my brother crying with my mom saying he had this gay dream in which I grabbed his cock. He was so regretful and thought it was his fault, but it wasn't.

Years later, I was a total PMO addict, I was the best friend of all the bathrooms I went. I just closed the door and fapped a lot. I did it in the most weird places (I am not proud of that): In my gandpa's house bathroom, at my garden in front of my dog, at public bathrooms.. i even fapped at the sea with people near to me!
-now I look to all these things and I feel ashamed.-
One day I was alone at home and wondered how would it feel to be sucked ('cause i am virgin). So I went naked to my dog and let him lick my cock; it didn't liked at all, but I kind'a forced it. After that time I did it a lot with my dog ( thanks god I din't got my penis inside its vagina or anus) when I was alone.
I really don't like what I did

At the same stage of my life (while I was sixteen to eighteen) I was convinced myself that I was s gay, so every time I was alone, I entered to live camchats and masturbated in front of many gay males. i even taked my dog with me and it excited them a lot.
The last thing I did, that I regret Is that when I was at the beach with my best friend and his family, whe shared the same room (I pretended I was a totally normal straight man -which he is-) So while he went for a bath, I grabbed his underwear licked it and fapped thinking of him.

All these attitudes distroyed my self-esteem because I was literally a monster. After those acts, I got tired of my addiction and started nofap. I have never told anyone about all these things because of the mask I mentioned before. Also, for me , being catholic, It was not correct to do these things so I didn't t confessed them to the priest. I use to tell him: I watched porn and I did unpure acts.

Nowadays I realise all those bad attitudes were only caused because of porn. I am tired of it, and I know I can turn again in a straight healthy man.
If I did this to me, I can also undo this in me.

Sorry If it was too long but necesitaba soltarlo ( I needed to let it go)

 

What hurts me more is that with my addiction I harmed indirectly to my brother, to my best friend and to my dog. I'm very ashamed of what I did, I would not like to do those things again! i am a monster!!

 

Thanks a lot for the feedback! I feel better now that I wrote down all those things. You're right, these acts are not Me.

 

Thanks! But I am actually a coward because I only told these things in here, online. I have not enough courage to tell this to a priest, Im ashamed.

 

So you recommend me not to tell anyone about these things?

 

You are, indeed, very brave to openly speak about your desires and practices over the last 6 or 7 years.

I am not clear why you think you can become straight again. It seems from what you wrote that you got curious about cock from the start. Also, you watched gay porn etc from the start. When people are straight and porn changes their lust for same sex stuff, it happens over time. Usually, the boy watches straight porn, maybe for years, until they become bored and switch to gay porn because it is more interesting.

 

We are not here to judge! We’re all in the same boat. You have courage sharing here. I’ve done many things i’m ashamed of but I couldn’t let much of them out. One I will admit is, I also was attracted to extended family, a cousin 20 years older than me.. She’s always been very affectionate, always hugged really tight. Letting things off your chest is freeing and healthy. Just gotta find the right person to talk to.

 

The reason why I know I can become again I found it by asking myself some questions

When I was a kid I used to think of girls or guys?
Then I responded myself:
I always thought of girls.
Then I asked myself another question:
Who made me, Santiago, have these gay thoughts?
The answer was simple: Me, I was the one who convinced me I was gay.

So, after thinking a lot I concluded that: If I was straight at the beggining and, if I was the one who made me think I was gay, then I AM THE ONE WHO CAN TURN ME STRAIGHT AGAIN, IT IS POSSIBLE TO DO IT SO.

Also, after almost three weeks of abstaining from gay porn, I have started noticing girls more! I even had a sex dream of a girl I like last week!

 

I hope so. I really don't like what I did to him.

Yeah, Porn fucks up our brains!!

Yeah, I do have a fucked up brain!
Unfortunately, my religion doesn't let me have sex before marriage, so I can't experience it right now. But I am trying to meet some girls and then have a girlfriend. Im sure that will help me a lot.

Thanks for the feedback!

 

I don't thing I have any person to talk to. I am always afraid about what people may say. Also I am afraid they do not understand!!
I was wondering I could tell the priest all of these, but I have no courage enough to do it