Every relapse it gets worse and worse

Hey guys, its been a while since ive been here... I tried 2 reboots both were semi-succesful as i managed to pull of a decent streak of 80+ days both times. Now every time i relapse it just seems to get worse and worse, after the last reboot i even passed the 90 day magical mark but i dont just relapse, i go worse. POSSIBLE TRIGGERS FROM THIS POINT, BE WARNED.
Ive been involved in the sissy P as you see a lot on here. It started innocent as with most people but escalated to something darker quickly. I stopped many times already even before nofap, when i got together with my girlfriend, when we had a serious fight and i somehow felt my lack of empathy must have had origins there, and so on untill nofap. It started just with watching P, engaging into conversations with people far away and so on. Then i made it more real by actually buying female underwear, broke down and threw it away. Untill i relapse and buy even more underwear this time, same scenario, break down throw everything away and attempt to reboot. Now it is a deep low ive reached, my "collection" is now spending several underwear items but even regular clothes now and toys. Im conversating with two guys who dont live far and are behaving as predators, attempting to push me into meeting them. Somehow i didnt end the conversations at any point, telling them i dont want that yes but not just ending it like i should. Just now i felt so dissapointed with myself, i feel like im stuck in an endless spiral and the hope is far gone, i used to have hope in these moments of clarity but now even that is gone. I prayed to God but didnt even ask for strength, i asked what it meant, is it a punishment or something darker. Truth is im lost, and i want all you guys to know to stay for from this place, perhaps i can get out of it but my hope is lower than it has ever been. I fear i lost myself and that God has turned away from me.

 

Thank you brother, i will attempt to make some things right, first of all my girlfriend needs a decent show of my love for her. I will try to dedicate some time to her and prayer, somehow i am glad of this hopeless feeling. Ill see it as a sign that i do not just accept this fate, that something in me is fighting even when i give up.

 

Thank you for your kind words, as you say it fucks with so many peoples lives that is just crazy how it is still seen as harmless...

I dont really have any porn induced problems, physically speaking but i would like to get rid of the mental problems it causes. I will follow your advice, set goals and find other, better activities.

Best of luck to you to, i hope you manage to pull through and i hope you and your wife can grow ever closer together.