I F***ing Hate going through this.

this reply is not very helpful
but many of us SOs know exactly how you feel. we may not have all experienced the same thing, but the pain is all too similar. We are here for you!

 

Please please PLEASE try to understand that your husband isn’t trying to hurt you. He isn’t deliberately deceiving you... I hope that reading some of the posts on here has helps you to see that. He clearly wants to overcome this addiction- he’s taking all the right steps. It took my years to realize this is an addiction. Despite your anger and mistrust stemming from his addiction and his lying, the best thing you can do is be supportive. His chances at success are magnified 10 fold with your support and understanding.

 

Very sorry to hear. If you haven't already, it might help you and your husband to learn some if the brain science behind porn addiction. Videos like The Great Porn Experiment and others found at Your Brain On Porn or Matt Fradd are good. Good luck to you.

 

I agree. We want to admit that we are doing things rationally, but in the end we are trapped inside a body with formed habits and desires. The chemicals are actually driving us. That's why twins tend to do the same thing under same environment most of the time.
Being honest and upfront about everything requires lots of rewiring and unlearning previous habits. IMO he feels that if he admits he will make you sad, and that he can just try to better himself.
Just give him some incentive so that his concerns about hurting your feelings gets overridden. Like once he admits be happy that he could stick to nofap for a couple of days. It will make him open up more. My suggestion for him would be to start writing his own journal (maybe offline).

 

On Sunday night, I had retreated to the basement to PMO. That night in bed, my fiancé asked me point blank if I had watched porn. I looked her in the eyes and said no. I couldn’t believe I was doing it. I knew I was lying. I didn’t want to lie. But there was a wall in my mind that preventing me from being honest. I know now what that wall was- it was my own shame and guilt. It had nothing to do with being deceitful or conniving, or because I didn’t love my fiancé. My mind had convinced itself that lying would be less painful than being honest. And that is one of the biggest lies we tell ourselves.

 

I hear what you are saying @PaleAle76 .... but that logic is not going to fly with our SO's.

Just because our [screwed up] brains tell us [lies to us] and say "It had nothing to do with being deceitful..." --- doesn't make that accurate. It. Is. 100%. A. Lie. We have to accept that....a big part of starting to turn the corner in recovery is realizing this and then accepting it. (and then ultimately, changing our pattern/behavior of lying)

..

Trust me..I am speaking to myself as much as I am speaking to you.

 

Not only that but she asked you because she sensed something. By lying to her, you are making her question herself and her instincts. Not to mention making yourself untrustworthy to her. I don't think anything does more damage to a marriage long term than lies and dishonesty. It is just so hard to overcome. I am going through that now. My husband is doing everything right as far as the PA and recovery goes, he is going above and beyond in that area in my opinion, but I am still struggling so much because of the lies. I get why you do it, why you have shame and why it seems like you are protecting both of you by hiding this. But you should be protecting the two of you by not committing the action you have to cover up, not lying about it after the fact. It is understandable that you will struggle, but lying about it isn't the way for either of you to recover. That doesn't help anyone.

 

Wow I am sorry you had to discover it like that. I am sure that was completely traumatizing. I hope he takes this chance you are giving him seriously and does the recovery work it takes to heal for both of you.

 

I’m terribly sorry to hear that you are going through this. I know that when my wife (then girlfriend) first caught me, she felt betrayed and heartbroken, almost as if I had cheated on her. You are not alone.

Your husband’s response to this is exactly the right way to start on a path to curing his addiction. Don’t give up on him. I know nothing of your marriage, but if you have even a little love left for him, let him try to make this right. As others have already said, your support will be paramount in his journey toward a better way of living.

That said, you have every right to feel hurt and betrayed, and you should take as long as you need to recover. Many of us have had this addiction since we were young boys, long before we ever met our wives. But that does not forgive our behavior in and of itself. We must still be committed to bettering ourselves so that we can honor our wives the way they should be honored.

If you haven’t already, check out the suppprt group here for SO’s. You may find it to be helpful. God bless you and your husband in this difficult time.

 

Hi @Blu by U - I feel so badly for you, and I know that I can also never understand the depth of your hurt and pain. as a PA I have caused this pain to those I love, and it's ugly to own that.

There is hope. you are far, far, far from alone. there are resources to help. plug in, even private message, some of the other SOs on here. they are an amazing group of strong, insightful women that will help. understanding that what you are feeling is "normal" and that many others have successfully walked your path might help.

as a PA, let me apologize for all of us.

best wishes, @Blu by U

 

Oh I think we’re on the same page here! My point is that we are lying to ourselves... not that we are intentionally trying to be deceitful.

 

Absolutely. As she said, lying about it was the most hurtful aspect. I have though long and hard about why I lied to her that night... what compelled me to do it. I’m still not sure I’ve gotten to the root of it... all I know for sure is that I was in denial about my problem.

 

Just be careful, even now when retelling the story to us (or your SO) .. I don't think it is helpful to refer to it as "It had nothing to do with being deceitful..." --- that WRONG kind of thinking (even if we really thought that!) is not worth giving words to UNLESS it is immediately followed up with something like "but it was deceitful". Otherwise, it come across like we are giving excuses for our lies.

The "wall" you spoke of might be there -- but it's not worth mentioning, in my opinion, as anything related to why we lie. (that is NO good to our SO's -- and that's the important part of my message to you / to me)

YES, we need to deal with those walls / understand them / break the apart!

 

Not unsupportive at all!! It is good hearing from SO’s on here. You sound like you’re both doing all the right things and taking all the right steps. I can’t image how painful this is for spouses or significant others... the levels of betrayal just compound each other. It will take time for both of you to heal. But your odds of success are much higher when you support each other.

 

Yes! With lying and so many, many other things. These memories of doing and saying things I didn't want to, or didn't believe haunt me daily. I can't comprehend it. The lies were PMO related, well the serious lies, if you like. There were so many other times such as regurgitating someone else's opinion on something subjective, knowing it wasn't my opinion, wanting to say something else, but for some reason continuing to say the thing I didn't mean. There were many hurtful things I said and didn't believe and didn't mean and didn't actually want to say. So many times I agreed with someone, or remained silent instead of dissenting because I don't know why. I would be thinking "that's complete bull" and then either silently or vocally assenting.

I still don't understand it. I don't understand how I had somehow managed to imprison myself within my own mind. It makes no sense. It still makes no sense.

I'm the one responsible for all the things I did and said and didn't say without understanding why, or how. I still don't understand why or how!