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In love with a porn addict

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by Cindy, Jan 4, 2018.

  1. Cindy

    Cindy Fapstronaut

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    I'm not sure what I expect to find here. Maybe some insight and understanding. Maybe some support.
    I'm engaged to a porn addict. I denied that fact for so long but even though it hurts to admit it, it's the truth.
    I'm stuck with these unwelcome and painful feelings such as feeling utterly worthless as a woman, like I'll never feel like I'm good enough for him again. When you beg your loved one for attention only to find out he chose porn over your company, it damages you on the inside.
    Broken promises, his never minded attitude and his carelessness has broken my heart time and time again.
    Our sex life used to be amazing, now all I think about is him imagining other women and it kills me inside.
    I know he loves me, but he isn't doing anything about his addiction either, which hurts even more. Am I not good enough to fight for?
    Last night I told him it's over and how hurt I was and he couldn't take his eyes of the screen long enough to even talk about it.
    I want to support him but he isn't actively trying to stop so how can I?
    My heart is broken and I'm not sure my self esteem will ever recover.
    Any advice is welcome.
     
    Finding myself likes this.
  2. Omnitron310

    Omnitron310 Fapstronaut

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    Well, as someone who is a porn addict (at least, I think I am; there's no hard and fast delineation between an addict and a user after all) and has been the entire time I've been in my current relationship, I suppose I can offer some thoughts. Obviously I can't speak for any other aspects of your relationship, and whether there are other issues affecting it, but I'll say what I can about porn specifically.

    First, it's not your fault and there isn't anything wrong with you. My girlfriend is the most amazing and beautiful person I know and on all conscious levels, I'm far more attracted to her than I am to any porn actress. I expect that's also true of your boyfriend even if he does a poor job of showing it. In real world terms a porn actress can never measure up to a real person, both physically (having an actual body in front of you is (or at least, should be) far more arousing than an image on a screen) and emotionally (obviously, since an image on a screen can't give you any kind of love or connection). So why do/did I, your boyfriend, and many other people in committed relationships still use porn? Quite simply because, as the name of this forum implies, it's an addiction. And addictions are not rational or conscious. You can think of them as selfish, self-feeding entities that take over their host and seek only to perpetuate themselves, regardless of how much damage this causes in the affected person's life (in this case relationship damage).

    In my experience, I was using porn for a long time before I got into a relationship and it had become such an ordinary and common part of my life that I simply continued doing it even after getting a girlfriend without really thinking about whether that was normal or appropriate. My usage of it decreased a little, but it never went away completely. The major issues started arising because years of being conditioned by porn has left me woefully inadequate in bed, which in turn led to many disappointing sex sessions with my girlfriend; both for me and for her. To make matters worse, because I had yet to identify porn as the culprit, we'd often use porn IN our sessions as a way of trying to get me more aroused and to perform better, but of course it didn't provide any long-term benefit. The end result was I became so ashamed and emasculated by my embarrassing performance that I started dreading trying to have sex with her, which of course had an even greater negative impact on out sex life. So even though at no point did I stop loving her or feeling attracted to her, the physical side of our relationship was ruined.

    I don't know if your boyfriend started using porn during your relationship, or was a habitual user from beforehand, but either way something similar could be happening to you now. He may feel ashamed of the way he's treating you or of how the porn is affecting your sex life, but rather than express that, it just makes him more closely guarded with his emotions and put on an external shell of nonchalance to try and hide that shame. It's typical addict behaviour; to first act dismissive and ambivalent to any suggestion they have a problem, and then get actively aggressive if you press them. That's the addiction speaking, trying to shut down any outside influence that threatens to break the hold it has on the victim.

    I'm not an expert on how to get through to him. Everyone's different, and ultimately the desire for change has to come from within. I can say though that, provided the porn isn't masking a deeper relationship issue, he probably does still love you and is still attracted to you. When you have sex, he probably isn't thinking about other women, or if he is, it's on a purely physical level (and perhaps an attempt to perform better so as not to frustrate you and embarrass himself). The actresses in porn videos are objects to the mind of the porn addict (sounds harsh, but it's sadly true). They're an erotic image that stimulates specific primal parts of the brain, not fully formed 3d human beings. In that way it becomes very easy to get turned on by them but they can never fully replace a real, loving partner.
     
  3. Onehope

    Onehope Fapstronaut

    You have to put the ultimatum, he either gets help and tries to quit porn with your support, or end the relationship. If he chooses porn over you, then he doesn't love you enough.

    Its tough to be addicted to this shit, but its not a form of mind control, while you don't choose to become an addict, you can choose to quit being one, and if he doesnt appreciate you enough to quit, then maybe you need to move on.

    There's no point in being in a one sided relationship that only brings you pain.
     
  4. As the saying goes 'you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink' i've dealt with porn addiction and drug addiction and both have many similarities, the main one being that the user can only decide for themselves if they want to quit or not, no amount of pleading or ultimatums will break the cycle. I know ex addicts who for them losing their job, their family and self respect wasn't enough to stop them using until they hit a rock bottom moment and that can come in any form, sometimes it is a series of events but one would think each event in that persons life would surely have been enough to make them reconsider. With people in an addictive cycle of behaviour they see each bargain or plea to stop as a threat because they aren't ready to stop yet so will, as you have discovered try to minimise the harm by saying 'it's no big deal' 'i don't see why you have a problem' 'i'm not hurting anyone' 'it's just a bit of fun, get over it' etc it's a self defense strategy. It's true that also it's not just the addict who suffers but their family or spouses etc because they carry the emotional burden but often the addict is blissfully ignorant to that until they get to the point where they can truly look at themselves in the mirror and understand the effects of their actions.

    I think with pornography as opposed to drugs like alcohol or narcotics, it is such a normalised behaviour amongst men and is often glamourised in the media so for many the harm is not as immediately apparrent as other things and that's what you have to contend with. My use of porn took to me to some very dark places and unfortunately i did have to reach rock bottom before i essentially 'woke up'

    It's not my place to say whether or not you should be with this person because love knows no bounds but at the same time you need to consider how far are you willing to go for this person, if they only try to stop because they have been given an ultimatum then the effort on their part may be disingenuine but if they decide to stop for their own sake and out of their own free will then they have a good chance of recovery.

    You don't have to make your life more difficult than it needs to be, patience is important but when 3 months of trying turns into a year and a year turns into multiple years with little momentum then it might be time to re-consider. I think it's brave of you to reach out because i think people often do have to deal with this kind of problem in silence due to shame but it's also helpful for people like us who are recovering to hear other people's stories to get the other side of things which aren't talked about much.

    I would recommend maybe talking to other family members or friends you trust about it and don't suffer in silence, it's your life you have to look after and if your partner can't see what he has then sometimes being cruel to be kind can be an option, ie spending time apart or forming some kind of intervention with other people that care about him.
     
  5. Looks like he is okay with his life. Until he dont want to change you cant do anything. If you tried several times and still no intension in him to change than you cant do anything. If you stay with him he will just hurt you again and again and no its not about that you are not good enough for him to stop him in his addiction but he is just too weak and blind to see what is important.
     
    Finding myself likes this.
  6. Cindy

    Cindy Fapstronaut

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    If I could just find the way through this hurt and this crippling love I have for him, I know I'll be able to walk away because technically I know what you say is true. But technical is never easy.

    Thank you for your message, it really helps.
     
    Finding myself likes this.
  7. Cindy

    Cindy Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much for your input. Although I am way too emotional at this moment, I know tomorrow I'll be in a better frame of mind to decide if this hurt I'd really worth it.
     
    Finding myself likes this.
  8. Cindy

    Cindy Fapstronaut

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    If I stay, doesn't that make me some form of addict as well?
    If I leave, does it mean that I didn't love him enough to try and help him?
     
  9. Cindy

    Cindy Fapstronaut

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    Thank you, and yes, it has taken a lot of courage to join this site. But I am glad I did because I thought I was overreacting and being irrational until I realized I'm not the only one going through this and others knew what I was going through.
     
    Finding myself likes this.
  10. Cindy

    Cindy Fapstronaut

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    If only my mind could overrule my heart and leave without looking back, things would be so much easier.
     
    Finding myself likes this.
  11. Hopefulgirl

    Hopefulgirl Fapstronaut

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    Hey @Cindy . You are not alone. Thete are many partners of porn addicts (known as "significant others" or "SOs" in the "Rebooting In A Relationship" section. What you are going through is traumatic and horrible. It is impossible to have intimacy with someone who is an addict. They stay stuck in their growth. Is he open at all to stopping? You deserve boundaries and deserve to be treated with love and respect.
     
    Last edited: Jan 20, 2018
    Finding myself and Jennica like this.
  12. Cindy

    Cindy Fapstronaut

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    Your support is really appreciated. At this very moment I feel so alone and stupid and sadly still utterly in love with him.
    He's broken every single promise he's made to me about stopping because he knows how much it hurts me and he hates himself for hurting me. And I have no doubt in my mind that he's telling the truth, unfortunately he just loves p a little bit more. How long can I keep going on being the mistress in this love triangle???
     
    Jennica likes this.
  13. Hopefulgirl

    Hopefulgirl Fapstronaut

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    That is exactly it. You are his second choice-and obviously that feels terrible because you deserve to be #1! Valued, appreciated, and chosen. Is he willing to stop? What boundaries do you have?
     
  14. Cindy

    Cindy Fapstronaut

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    He tells me evetytimr after it happens he's done, he's stopping, he chooses me. Yet again he's broken his promise so whether he is serious about stopping, I just don't know.
    There are no boundaries. He manages to hide it from me quite well but on a night like I'm experiencing tonight, he doesn't even acknowledge me. Its like he's so hooked at those times that he doesn't care that I know what he's doing in the other room. He refuses to even make eye contact with me and when I beg and plead and cry, he doesn't even make an effort to look sorry. How can the person that supposedly loves me so much, make me feel so worthless and helpless.
     
  15. Hopefulgirl

    Hopefulgirl Fapstronaut

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    Porn makes men selfish and makes us invisible. The constant search for novelty means that we become boring to them. This is what porn does. It has nothing to do with you. You need to think about what you need from this relationship. If you want an addiction free partner who values you and respects you, do you think that porn can be in the relationship with you? Does he see this as an issue? If he is willing wpuld he watch a video about PA with you? A great place to start is "The Great Porn Experiment" by Gary Wilson. Google it and watch.
     
    Jennica likes this.
  16. Cindy

    Cindy Fapstronaut

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    No, I don't believe p can be part of our relationship. Until earlier tonight I was still considering ways to integrate p into our sex life as a couple, but now even the mere thought makes want to start screaming at the top of my lungs and makes me feel physically ill.

    Because even though he now knows I am willing to try, he has still pushed me one side and chosen p over me.

    Why is this hurting so much?? I can't take this pain and self loathing feelings for much longer.
     
  17. Onehope

    Onehope Fapstronaut


    We cant choose to be addicts, but we can choose to stop being ones.
     
    Gotham Outlaw, Cindy and Jennica like this.
  18. If he won't even acknowledge the problem, he can't begin to quit.

    Even once he wants to quit, most PAs have (at least short) relapses.

    I don't see how you can marry him in this state - it would tell him there are no boundaries, and leave you open to an unbelievable amount of pain.

    The other SOs here can tell you their stories. They can speak to the pain far better than I can.
     
    Hopefulgirl likes this.
  19. A new day

    A new day Fapstronaut

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    The way through is love. But it is love for yourself first. You cannot love a man enough to cure him. But you can love yourself enough to know what you are worth. I hope you haven’t set a date. Because this man is not ina position to make you any real promises. His mind is not healthy. His heart is a mess. Don’t sign up for hell if you don’t have too.
     
    Finding myself and Immature like this.
  20. Cindy

    Cindy Fapstronaut

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    Your message saddens me so much because I know its the truth...
     

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