Self-Forgiveness

Hi C
i am in a 12 step program [for now] that preaches its all the addicts fault and to not blame anyone else.
i have a hard time with that one myself. i know if X had done different or Y had tried this: i would have had a different path

 

I too struggle with the self forgiveness. In order to really move on I know I have to love those darkest parts of myself and to embrace them somehow, but I just don’t know how yet. I’m trying, but as you say I still have a lot of grief, guilt, and sadness. Perhaps I am stuck in my own greif cycle. I have yet to fully embrace the resignation, and generate hope that this isn’t who I am. I know better, but it’s hard to recognize it at times when the addict still instinctively seems to always appear. Constant correction seems to help, I guess it just isn’t happening fast enough for me.

@NewBeginning1965 you have to be accountable for your actions. You had choices to make, sure you may have been compromised by your addiction, but you have to own that you made a choice. And for us PAs it was usually the wrong one.

Recovery for me is:
Every day is taking control back.
Every day is about making the right decision.
Every day is making a better choice.
Every day is becoming a better man.
Every day is admitting my shortcomings.
Everyday is owning my actions, in the past and the future.
Everyday is accountability.
Everyday is honesty.

 

The more I forgive myself, the more I remember that I hurt someone else. I might find it fine and dandy that I’m tackleing this addiction, but while I’m improving, my SO still has to think about EVERYTHING that went on. And it’s like...good for me that I have it under control and feel better about myself...but she stills feels just as horrible as before.

Guilt has been both a motivator and an obstacle. It makes me strive to never hurt my partner again. But it also makes me feel (since I’ve got depression and suicidal ideation) like I should just give up and end myself because I’ve caused someone else so much pain. The person I love more than anything else in the world. It’s pretty crappy. Because our relationship was PERFECT before all of this. And I would give anything for it to be like that again. But it never can.

 

This is an interesting statement...I think to admit you're a PA / to admit you have a problem, usually starts on the guilt side.

I certainly know that the feeling of powerlessness--acknowledging that (and being ok with that)--was my first transformative step to "conquering" my porn addiction. I knew NOTHING about the 12 steps....that played out in my life simply by finding NoFap and reading all about PA!

Back to your statement: I think the question you are asking is how does guilt morph into responsibility. So we can stop feeling guilty and downtrodden all the time, but instead take on the mantle of responsibility.

 

Here are my thoughts on guilt and responsibility... I think it all boils down to who you’re doing this for. If you’re doing this for your SO, then of course guilt for the pain you have caused them is what is going to be your primary motivation. If you’re doing this for yourself, then I think that motivation comes from taking responsibility and ownership of your life. I tried to touch on this in one of my first posts... that if we’re not trying to change for the right reasons, that change will be much harder to accomplish. Don’t quit PMO because you feel guilty... quit because you know it’s the right thing to do.

 

Great topic. Really thoughtful input. imo we need to start with semantics. I had a brief discussion yesterday that dealt with blaming. To me blaming is a bad and unfruitful activity in which someone is made to feel bad. It is never helpful. They other guy felt blaming was just assigning responsibility. So what's "guilt" to me may be something else to you.

One could use guilt to simply mean "responsible for" - and I suppose be dictionary correct. To me though, guilt is never helpful. It involves more than taking responsibility, it also includes (to my thinking) feelings of being bad, of shame. IMO these are NEVER helpful.

We have to move out of the pit of shame and despair and sell-loathing to begin to heal.

 

The pit of despair!

Really good point- there is definitely a difference between assigning blame/responsibility and making someone feel like shit because you're hurt.

 

I wish my SO would forgive himself. Forgive his past. Love himself.
It kills me see someone I love so much holding on to so much pain.
I wish I could hug the little boy inside him and tell him it's ok.

 

I usually hold the unpopular opinion that shame in and of itself isn't a bad thing and neither is blame. Most think shame and blame are useless and unhealthy, but I disagree. I think all of this depends on how you view yourself. I am ashamed of my PMO habit because I know I'm worth more than that type of life. The shame here is that I would treat myself in a way that does not respect the dignity I hold as a human being. This is shame with the motivation to treat myself better because I'm worthy of better. It is shame that doesn't cause me to belittle myself but to abhor the behavior that hurts myself and those I care about.

Likewise I have the same view towards blame. I view blame as a gift in that I know I could only be blamed for something in which I had a choice in the matter. You can't blame someone who does not have the ability to choose! Blame therefore shows me that I still have a choice and that there is still hope for me to make better choices! Is being blamed for something comfortable? NO! Is the fact that it's uncomfortable make it a bad thing? NO! If that was the case the truth would be considered a bad thing, but I digress. For me I must take responsibility for my actions, I must accept rightfully the blame for them because I committed them, and I must make reparation for any wrongs I have committed. This process is what is called JUSTICE.

Neither of these things keep me from forgiving myself either.