Coming out of My Porn Coma (2 Year Anniversary)

In a couple days I will reach my 2 year no PM anniversary. Two years ago I was unhappy, miserable, and hopeless. I made others around me unhappy and miserable too. I was clueless about how to get better and I had no motivation to change. Two years ago my wife had the courage to kick me in the butt and wake me up from my porn coma. She was sick of being treated like garbage. She threatened to move out, take our children with her, and tell anyone who asked the real reason why. What little joy I had left was about to get blown up.

I faced a decision. On one hand, I could continue my behavior and lose everything… or I could be a man and try again. I thought I had all the answers, but I was so wrong. I started to research my problem and realized that I didn’t just have a habit, but I had a full-blown addiction. That understanding alone reshaped everything that happened to me up until that point. I understood what it felt like to be compelled to do something I knew was harmful. I understood the need to escalate in order to keep myself medicated. And I felt the withdrawal symptoms whenever I tried to stop.

But I had to do more than simply research my problem. I had to execute a plan. I wrote in my paper journal A LOT. I talked to others. I talked to my wife. I talked to the elders in my congregation. I got new hobbies. And I reconnected with my family. Looking back, I can’t believe how much I have changed.

One year ago I wrote my Success Story here which contains a lot of tips and tricks for getting clean. So, you may ask what I went through during the past year and how do I feel.

One major thing that I did was go see a therapist. For years my wife has said I had a condition that I refused to admit I might have. I swallowed my pride and went to the doctor and got diagnosed with Aspergers. I have a very mild case, but it is a major source of discomfort for which I turned to PMO for relief. The ‘Porn Addiction 101’ page stated that many of us have “poorly treated, untreated, or subclinical” mental health issues. Turns out I was one of them.

Earlier this year I faced a major test. My young teenage daughter got involved with sex chatting online. I was crushed. I continued to dig into her activities and the reasons why she turned to that behavior. It caused me to feel depressed and deep despair. I could see her repeating a pattern similar to mine that would lead her into a life of addiction as well. It caused me to feel real physical pain. And sure enough, the temptation to PMO returned with a vengeance! I learned that this addiction will always be lurking in the shadows waiting for an opportunity to pounce. I have thrown everything I could at my daughter's situation and time will tell if it will pay off.

I also want to paint a realistic picture of what recovery looks like two years down the road. Am I happy? Am I urge-free? Is life better? The answer is mixed. I still must CHOOSE to be clean EVERY SINGLE DAY. There are no days off. There are no days where I don’t feel triggered or feel an urge to take a peek. But I am MUCH stronger now and I have tools that I can turn to in order to resist the pull to self-medicate with porn. Some are blessed to be able to walk away, but I am not one of them. However, I have felt a huge weight lifted from my shoulders and most the physical symptom that comes from the stress of living a life of secrecy is fading away. I am PROUD of what I have accomplished!

Another major thing I did this year was share my story of addiction with my extended family. For years my mother saw me suffering but couldn’t figure out why. She kept blaming my wife! But finally, I had to explain that her perfect son was the one with the problem. We also had to address my father’s drinking problem. I ended up talking to my brother and sister and finally my father about my own struggles with porn addiction and how it relates to alcoholism. The shame and stigma of my struggle was fading away and the lessons I learned was now being put to good use in the real world. I was amazed with how un-ashamed and un-embarrassed I felt when I told the truth.


One of the things that has helped me this past year is to be deeply involved with others in their reboot. The 12th and final step in AA is to bring the message of sobriety to others. I have found great joy in finding brothers who have the same faith as mine and assisting them. There is no greater joy than to get back down into the mud, help another person stand back up, and conquer this addiction too. In turn, they have helped me to keep walking on the path of sobriety and inspire me to be a man worthy of imitation. If any of you are wondering, “How can I cope with my own problems?”... part of the answer is HELP SOMEONE ELSE. Go to YBOP, educate yourself, and then step up and volunteer to help someone who is just starting out. “There is more happiness in giving than there is in receiving.” Be a friend. Be a person who can motivate. Be a person who can encourage. Be a person worthy of imitation. No one should have to go through a reboot alone. Pass on what you have learned to others.

Finally, I just want to say to the newcomers who have just signed up is that there is HOPE for you to get better. How does someone get to two years? One day at a time. Just stay clean for today. Worry about tomorrow tomorrow. Be honest with yourself and with others. Make the difficult sacrifices. Even though there may be no ‘cure’ for addiction, it is possible to feel joy and happiness again. Above all, DO NOT GIVE UP.

 

Yes. I'm married so I have an outlet. We agreed that there would be no solo M at any time.

 

Two reasons. One of them is from a religious perspective. We believe that sexual satisfaction should only be satisfied by a marital partner. Masturbating in a marriage is a selfish act, especially when your partner is willing and available. We should be more concerned about giving pleasure to our partner than giving ourselves pleasure. Second, is the physical possibility of conditioning yourself to respond to your hand instead of your partner.