I may have just ruined my marriage

I did not say they look at porn together.

I don't know for sure if they do or do not....from what I understand from my wife and her interactions with her long-time good friend: I doubt they look at it together. I think the wife just knows her husband looks at porn (I have no idea the frequency or intensity) ... and the wife has just accepted it.

 

I'm afraid that there is a huge difference between occasionally watching porn, be it with or without your spouse, and between being addicted to it. Exactly like with any other substance - having a glass of wine with your dinner, or even getting stupid drunk once in a while, is completely different than being an alcoholic. Some people will keep on drinking alcohol regularly for their whole life and never become dependent. For others it will become a necessity and sooner or later their life will start evolving around that.
To give a porn addict permission to watch porn is like telling an alcoholic that he can have an occasional drink or that maybe we can get pissed together. I'm not an expert (yet, just started my psychology course), but something tells me it just doesn't work like that with addicts. They will get all the symptoms of an addiction, they will get upset, angry, or anxious, when they can't get their "fix". It will be their priority. The brain fog will remain in place. Worst of all, they will never get to the bottom of what caused them to choose such a coping mechanism - whatever traumas or unresolved issues they may be placating with their substance of choice will remain there and together with the addiction will taint their existence and the lives of those around them.
Of course, there are (many) people who spend their entire lives with an addict. Usually becoming codependent or also getting addicted in the process. These are not happy couples though. Usually just two very unhappy souls with no real connection.

Personally, I believe that the most important thing is to unearth what made the addict develop an addiction. Why is he clinging onto it for dear life? Why is he so scared of letting go of it and facing the real world? There seems to be a reoccurring pattern of childhood abuse or emotional neglect, resulting in an inability to develop a truly loving, deep and meaningful relationship with another human being.

 

Though he could learn to listen from a position of generosity, strength, and love.

I wonder if there's anything practical we can do to help. There are a few male porn addicts on this thread: @TryingHard2Change, @NF4L, @bumpyhelodermatidae, @Gmork, @BreatheDeeply, and me. Looking at our posts and our journals do you think your husband would want to talk his experiences and choices through with any of us? It wouldn't have to be here, we could do it over email.

 

From a PA working with my SO towards recovery, I think this statement is very important to examine. I can completely understand you detesting and him and finding him pathetic. As a PA, I also have a part of me that used to look at myself the same exact way. And it's completely unfair to have put my SO in a lousy place against her will. It took my wife a while to go from hating me, to having compassion for me and a willingness to work with me towards recovery. I've stated that a positive turning point for me came as it has moved more from a "Me versus My Wife and My Addiction" to a "Me and My Wife versus My Addiction" perspective.

So that only thing I would throw out there is to see if there is still a part of you that can look at him and see that his addiction does not define him as a person. That the addiction is an incredible burden that he didn't ask for either, and one that scares him as much as it does you. I do not know what he is doing to recover, but if he is doing anything positive, then aiding him with that small part of you that still loves him can accelerate his recovery. If nothing else, it will increase intimacy between you as a couple. And once he sees that you are a safe partner, he will probably be more willing to open up more.

And I agree that cheating, not being transparent, or lying work against the relationship. From the PA perspective, being honest and open is absolutely terrifying when it comes to doing this with your SO. It seemed like every time I told my wife something about my problem, she responded very negatively. This only made me NOT want to talk to her again about my addiction. Only when my wife started taking my hand when I opened up to her did I feel comfortable in being honest and sharing. And that's when things really started to improve between us. That's not to say that we still don't have very difficult conversations that I dread. But it's part of the recovery process and we both feel better after doing it.

All of this isn't to say that you should abandon your negative feelings and support him in everything he says. Not at all. You have your own feelings which are very legitimate and need to be worked through. He has a TON of work to do to both work on his recovery and work on your marriage. It takes time to get through this.

I'm not perfect. I destroyed my wife's trust. But I'm doing the work necessary to regain it. I know that the ONLY way to do this is through my actions, not my words. There is no quick solution, but with my work and her understanding, there is hope.

 

That is a GREAT breakdown of stages...can you estimate how long your wife was in each of those stage?

 

@TryingHard2Change: That's kind of tough because it really took me some time to get my recovery going full speed. Though she suspected there was a problem long before, I didn't come out to her with my problem until about two years ago. I tried solving it on my own (nope) before eventually going to see a therapist about 18 months ago. Then I started slowly adding things like yoga, recovery podcasts, etc. I joined this group about three months ago and am now adding accountability partners. I've had my problem for 35 years, so for me, it's quite a difficult job to rewire correctly.

As it's been a long slow climb, I don't think that she could possibly have gotten on board during any of the earliest stages. I think my work on this forum has been very instrumental in the process of rebuilding my relationship. At some point, I actually articulated the point that "I can't come to you if all you are going to do is yell at me. It drives me away. I don't need you to agree with me, but I do need you to understand that I'm coming to you to try to work with you on this." So I would say that it's been over the past three months that we've started turning the corner.

One other note: I am dealing with PIED. So I essentially can't get it up with my wife. Sucks big time. And she used to get very upset with my failure to launch. But we are working on just being intimate (cuddling, etc) and seeing if it goes anywhere. If it doesn't, she is disappointed, but still embraces me with love. It's showing promising signs. One rule we have is that if I can't concentrate solely on her (if I have to fantasize), we pause or stop. Otherwise, it's not right. This also improves our intimacy.

 

Thanks @BreatheDeeply .. I've had this problem for around 25 years -- I came out fully clean to my wife 8 months ago .. the first 5.5 months, I too was trying my hardest on my own..kind of work, but not really. Then the last 2.5 months since I found NoFap and finally admitted the addiction, things are "under control" and I've learned so much / read a ton / etc.

My wife is still somewhere in the hating-me or [starting to] having-compassion stage....probably 90% hating / 10% having-compassion (on a good day).

I'm not a fan of the word "hating" though .... for my wife, I don't think she HATES me. I think she just is 100% numb and indifferent towards me (honestly, I think I'd prefer hate!)

Anyway, thanks for your little timeline overview....it sounds like your wife took possibly a year or more to be firmly in the "having compassion for you" stage -- that is encouraging to me.

 

For me, the more I was vulnerable, the more that needle moved. I'm a very lucky guy.