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ANSWERS!?

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Johns80, Feb 1, 2018.

  1. Johns80

    Johns80 Fapstronaut

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    Have any of you ever truly gotten answers from your PA SO? I’m so frustrated beyond believe. I keep asking why why why and he tells me he doesn’t have answers for any of my questions. Like he honestly has no clue why he went to PMO, what he got out of it, why he continued to lie...nothing. I NEED ANSWERS!!!
     
    Jagliana and SpouseofPA like this.
  2. Werka

    Werka Fapstronaut

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    Mine did only find out in therapy how deeply rooted his issues are. So it really is quite possible he doesn’t know.
     
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  3. Johns80

    Johns80 Fapstronaut

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    And what were some of the reasons if you could vaguely share at all?
     
  4. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    Therapy! Well I was my husbands therapist for a while given my studies in psych and personal experience. For him it was an escape from all the bad emotions - stemming from his parents divorce. He has real mommy issues because she abandoned the family. His lying stemmed from wanting to avoid consequences and getting yelled at by his father - his fathers temper is Very Scary. So we now have answers but it took us a long time to get them, and he still has to dig deeper because we've only scratched the surface a year and a half later....
     
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  5. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    Yes. Self-worth, self-love. He didn't feel like he deserved me or to be loved. The P he chose to watch was also in this vein. Stems from childhood issues of not ever feeling good enough for his parents, etc. He never thought that was possible since he had a good childhood with no huge issues, but in further examining it, he could see where that came from.
     
  6. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    He does not have the answers I was there with my ex too. He likely is being honest when he says he does not know. The answer is he’s an addict and addiction is not a logical thought process. So a non addict says how could you choose the addiction over me, don’t you love me, is it more important and the logic side of the addict says she’s right how could I do that to her, I don’t kmow I’m such a horrible person. You have to realize that you will never receive an answer that makes sense to you or satisfies what you need to hear. Seriously is there anything he could say that. Luis make you feel better, that you would accept? You will drive yourself crazy trying to make logic sense of an addicts behavior. I asked these same questions and got I don’t know. I’m sorry it’s not going to make sense.
     
    Jennica likes this.
  7. Johns80

    Johns80 Fapstronaut

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    So how do you make peace with it? How do you move past it. I’m stuck.
     
  8. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    In my case I never could, I had to leave so I’m prob not the best person to ask. How could I have made peace? If I had a partner who was concerned about the pain he caused me. Who was willing to seek treatment and figure things out. Peace comes with time. No matter what happens with the passage of time you will feel better. I know you don’t believe me now. I was there I felt like a mad woman like I wanted to jump out of my skin. Get some counseling on your own and lean on family and friends.
     
  9. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

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    Time, honesty, truth. I do disagree with GG2002 to a point. I too want to know the why. I know it will not be logical. It doesn't need to be, it just needs to be honest. I completely understand thoughts and feelings not making sense, I see it in myself all the time. But I find that once I understand the why it makes things easier. My BFs favorite answer use to be 'I don't have a good answer', and I always told him I don't need a good answer. I just need THE reason. Now we are working on him looking into himself to get the answers. I believe it will help us both. But everyone is different. What helps one person may hurt another. This all takes time, it sucks. Is your SO open to talking? Being honest? I find that helps a lot.
     
    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 and Jennica like this.
  10. Johns80

    Johns80 Fapstronaut

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    He’s in therapy but shuts down whenever we attempt to talk about intimacy or sex.
     
  11. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    I wanted to know the answer as well we agree on that. But in this situation her partner is likely giving her an honest answer, he does not know. Will he know with time and counseling? Maybe, but that’s not guaranteed. Think about this question “how could you choose porn over me, over us.” Answer “I was an addict.” Is that sufficient? Or answer “I was not sexually satisfied by you.” What happens with sos and I did this, was we are given an honest answer we just don’t like the answer we are being given and continue to press for a different one. Eventually we may get that different one but only because we kept pressing and he gives in. An honest answer particularly so early in recovery can be I don’t know.
     
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  12. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    I’m so sorry. Clearly he’s not ready yet to face this part of his recovery. The mindset and other issues that come along with PMO are much harder to get past than stopping the physical act. All I can offer is you have a right to set boundaries and if you need to talk and he won’t you need to decide what’s best for you. He could need more time to open up, but there are no guarantees.
     
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  13. Broken81

    Broken81 Fapstronaut

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    The 'I don't know' answer makes me feel so inadequate. It always feels like such a cop out. I am finally coming to terms with the fact that I, and indeed he, might never know 'why'. We have a few reasons that 'might' be why. My hubs can't even remember how he felt during most of his PMO fog. He doesn't remember feeling guilt, shame, happiness etc. And the only emotion he really ever portrayed to me during this time was anger. For the most part I believe him when he says he didn't allow himself to think about things during his addiction. In the beginning I just could not compute that he didn't know why he had done the things he did. Did you not love me enough? Was I too ugly/fat? Did you want a divorce? He maintains he always loved me, he never wanted to break up and he still found me attractive even though he barely touched me for years. If you have turned off your feelings it kind of stands to reason that you don't know 'why'. We know his biggest triggers, and a lot of 'maybe's', but that's it.
    I know how hard it is not to have the answers we so desperately want. I mean, how can someone nearly destroy a marriage or family and not know why? It something that I struggle with on a daily basis. I guess what I am trying to do is separate myself from his addiction. It is always so personal, he chose other women over me time and time again. But just remember that it isn't about us. Even though to us it is, to them it isn't.
    I feel your pain, you are not alone.
     
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  14. Lanarra

    Lanarra Fapstronaut

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    I relate to the frustration and unending questions. My discovery of all this is fairly fresh - about two weeks now? My husband usually has a lot of difficulty analyzing and expressing clearly what he feels, that has always been true. I come from a family of shrinks (mom clinical psychologist, father psychoanalyst) so I've always had to be very patient with this difficulty of his. Sometimes men just don't know. The internal world is mysterious and "without words" as he tends to say.

    For the first time he is really making effort to introspect (he usually hates "getting deep" about anything). But he wants to know himself. It sounds like your husband might not want to know... perhaps he has the feeling that he's a monster inside and doesn't want to face it, nor bring it up to your face?

    We actually uncovered a lot of stuff in his reasons in the first three days of talking for hours. He explained it as a release of pressure and stress... which would make him feel bad later, creating more stress, until he had to release again.... he said it is like what happens to alcoholics. His father was an alcoholic, he knows about the terrible cycle of shame involved.

    We also figured out that he has issues with emotional intimacy - that although he's learned to trust and be able to be intimate with me, he isn't with anyone else. He doesn't share his worries, weaknesses or struggles with his friends, for example. They stay superficial. Those things build up inside. He also started using masterbation for self soothing at a very young age. Living with an alcoholic parents in the home, which no one would acknowledge outloud (to protect the kids from the truth, even though his father was a teacher at his school would stumble in drunk and knock over desks, making the kids laugh and mock him) caused such distress and loneliness he turned to masterbation to get some dopamine flowing - to keep sane. This habit of using it for stress relief just...continued, and got provoked further by the introduction of easy and intense internet porn.
    There could be attachment issues, as his mom kept a certain emotional distance for his own protection from her depression...

    Now, I don't know your husbands story... but look at how complicated that is! How difficult to look back and analyze! Perhaps his mechanisms inside are just as complex and it might take Years to understand.

    Even with all this knowledge, it doesn't help the pain. You think understanding will sooth it but it is temporary. Give me a few hours and I am still looking at how I wasn't enough somehow. And I saw a man write on Quora in regards to his recovery - the fact is, you don't NEED to understand why at first. You need to not act out. Understanding be explored later. Just stopping the behavior first is the most important.

    I'm hurting for you, and me, and all the people who face this. I so hope you can find some peace soon!!
     
  15. Werka

    Werka Fapstronaut

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    It was a coping mechanism to deal with a number of things that stemmed from his childhood (low self-esteem, feeling of loneliness, guilt, shame, inability to communicate and connect with anyone).
     
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  16. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    That was exactly the point I was trying to make. It is an addiction. When you speak to him you are speaking to an addicted mind, not your partner. This mind will never give you any answers that make sense or satisfy you. I remember lock down drag out fights with my ex just yelling WHY ?! It never got anywhere. The only thing that my ex said that made sense, and I already knew was that he was selfish. And while I understood that answer, it made me feel no better. The only thing that heals this is time and him showing you through his actions that that’s not who he is and that indeed that was the addiction speaking. Now that he is in recovery he is no longer that person. Often the actions addicts take are automatic. When they are seeking their drug of choice, their executive decision making skills turn off, they are not thinking of the partner or the relationship or anything else at that time. When in therapy an addict may come to understand why he started to PMO in the first place, what led them there. But I suspect that still won’t alleviate a partner’s pain or make any logical sense. The biggest questions partners ask is why did you choose that over me, how could you lie to me? There is not always an answer or if there is its I was an addict, I am sorry. that’ not what most SOs are looking for. You just have to accept you may never know the why. The last thing I would add as i know this has been discussed before, is that many men struggle in arguments on the spot because they don’t think as quickly as women, they are not in touch with nor do they process emotions at the rapid rate we ladies do. What I have learned is that sometimes a man needs to walk away and think for a few hours or days for that matter. If you allow him to do that, he may very well come back with an answer that makes sense, or at least an answer. This is not just about PMO it’s bout anything. Agree to let him have some time to think, and then to come back later and revisit the issue. When we ladies (and I mean me) are rapid firing questions at a man and want answers right now, we are more likely to get an I don’t know, an answer that is not true, or an answer that really hurts us. They want the arguing to stop so they will say whatever. When men are arguing they get a fight or flight response biologically to defend themselves. Women do too. Except women can have both the anger response, and the logical and emotional response operating in their mind at the same time, most men cannot. They compartmentalizations things. So if you are getting angry and he’s defensive that’s all he can see, to fight. He cannot begin to think about anything else.
     
  17. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    The second to the last paragraph that is spot on, it won’t help the pain. You will never get an answer that will help your pain. What you describe is my exes upbringing and issues to a T except his parents were not alcoholics. I suppose the best way to come to an understanding may be to understand why he became an addict, not why he chose PMO. I think we all have the ability to empathize in that sense. We need to be able to see our partners as hurting.
     
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  18. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    It is really hard to think through what we got out of porn, and to be honest most men here do not want to think about it. They would rather treat it as just something bad than think through exactly what it was porn gave them. I think that the more we know about our addiction the better, so I have tried to list what I got out of it. My list is here; it is very personal and may be nothing like what your husband would write if he could find the words.
     
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  19. Johns80

    Johns80 Fapstronaut

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    This sounds a lot like my SO. He grew up in a household where he was loved and provided for, but no one talked about emotions or intimacy. He said he never saw his parents argue or talk deeply about issues. So he has no model of communication.

    He started using P when he was in his late 20s and was living in a new city completely alone and had just gotten the Internet. In his 30s he was in a loveless, sexless, unhealthy marriage. He could not open up to his wife. If he tried to talk about a bad day she would lash out, make fun of him, tell him to stop being weak. She was an alcoholic and in turn he also started drinking. They both numbed out to tolerate each other.

    He has continued PMO because he has a high stress job. He started working from home so he could PMO between telecommunication meetings...thus making his habit very convenient.

    His therapist has pinpointed that he goes to PMO to avoid stress. And that is where I absolutely cannot relate. On my WORST DAY, if my life was falling apart I would not use PMO to soothe. I run, clean, watch a funny movie...healthy stress relievers. I only look at sex as intimacy with my partner and only want to look at him. No one else and nothing else. To me that level of intimacy is sacred.

    He cannot talk about intimacy. I tried explaining my needs and asking him what his needs are and he shut down and said he needed a break from me.

    He says the only answer he can come up with is that he is a monster, a terrible person, and has no idea how to love.
     
  20. Johns80

    Johns80 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you. This all makes so much sense.
     
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