Displacement of porn cravings/fetishes onto my girlfriend.

Hey guys. As you can see from my counter I'm around 45 days PMO free, and for the most part it's going great. I feel better, have more energy, and have real hope that I can overcome this problem and end up healthier and happier for it, both in my relationship/sex life and in general. However, over the past week or so, I've noticed something slightly worrying, and I thought I'd share it in case anyone has any similar experiences or insight.

First, I should quickly point out that I'm in a committed relationship (just over 7 years), however for about half of that time we've been long-distance. My girlfriend doesn't live in the same country as me, so although we talk on a daily basis, we don't get to meet up that often (hopefully long-term that will change, but for now that's the way it is). I haven't actually seen her since I started NoFap, although I've told her all about it. There's more background I could provide if people are interested, but I think that's the most relevant part.

Anyway, since about a week ago, I started fantasising about my girlfriend more. Of course that's nothing new since most of the time the only way I can 'be' with her in that way is in my mind, but back when I was frequently using porn, it was the porn I used to satiate myself most of the time. However, now that I'm off the porn, I've begun to think of her in that way more and more. At first I thought this was great, as I know a lot of people's goal when giving up porn is to rediscover their sexual feelings for their actual partner, but I worry it's going too far, and you'll see why.

I've started thinking about having sex with my girlfriend in more and more 'pornographic' ways. My fantasies have turned from sweet and caring into something rougher and more carnal. And I've also started imagining acting out with her several of the fetishes I got particularly hooked on back when I was using porn regularly. This especially worries me because I realise that these fetishes are most likely a part of the 'sickness' of porn, and aren't emblematic of what I'd really want to do if I hadn't desensitised myself to more normal sexual acts (again, I won't go into detail about the exact fetishes here unless people are interested). And even though my girlfriend is a generally open-minded person, I think even she'd be shocked and disgusted at some of the things I'm imagining her doing.

Things came to a head the other day. Back when I was still a regular porn user, I also used to write erotic fiction. Apparently I was pretty good at it too; not trying to be boastful, I'm just going by what people on the websites where I posted it said. So I decided to put that talent to use and write down a sort of 'story' of what I was imagining doing to her. In reality it was more like just a series of phrases. I thought it might help to vent what was on my mind, and also might act as a 'wake up call' to make me realise how disgusting and degrading to her I was really being. But instead it had the opposite effect. It excited me and I poured out all this filth onto the page, using more and more extreme and vulgar language as I went until by the end it was basically just a load of sexual expletives directed at her. I even translated the entire thing into French (her native language, not that I had any intention of showing her this mind you) and derived a kind of perverse thrill in researching exactly what the correct words and grammar was to convey maximum explicitness.

In the end it did have sort of the desired effect. Once I calmed down (I managed to resist the urge to M, but it's the closest I've come so far) I was deeply ashamed of what I'd written and how much it objectified her. She's the love of my life, and I really don't want to think of her the same way I thought about those actresses while in the 'porn haze'. I'm determined to quash these fantasies, but it's very difficult. I feel like it would be easier if she was here with me, but as long as she's a remote presence that I only interact with via a screen or phone, that amplifies my ability to think of her in that way (since that's also the way we 'interact' with porn actresses).

I guess this is the craving that many people talk about. I though that it wasn't happening to me since I've been able to quite easily resist the urge to watch videos or look at pictures, but I see now that it's manifesting in a subtler, more insidious form. Has anyone else had similar experiences where giving up porn affected the way they saw their partner? Any advice or thoughts?

 

Thanks for your response. It's reassuring to know that other people out there have experienced something similar. I agree that ultimately the only solution is to power through and keep on staying away from the porn and hopefully these urges will vanish with time. It's been better these past few days, and I've also resolved to police myself from opening up Word on a whim in much the same way I'd police myself from opening up a web browser to start searching for porn. It feels a little ridiculous that I have to try and stop myself from sitting there with a blank page in front of me, but after experiencing that same 'rush' from writing down my fantasies as I used to get from searching for porn videos, I think it's clear that I'm using it as a substitute and I have to stop.