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Not a popular opinion. You might not agree with me. But this is my truth.

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by Deleted Account, Feb 3, 2018.

  1. Porn addiction might be a problem. But it is a lesser problem than NoFap made me think it was. There are bigger issues in my life that and if I can work on them, my life will be better. Self confidence and selfworth come from within. If I need to stay away from porn for a period of time to feel confident and worthy, something is absolutely wrong with me in a deeper level.

    Nevertheless, I want to thank NoFap. Thanks to NoFap I am more aware of my feelings and my habits. I am able to control myself better and I while I still want to stop watching porn, I now think that it is not as bad as I once thought it was. Once I found NoFap, I thought I found the answer to the problems in my life. But after 5 or 6 years of trying to stop, my life was still stagnant not because of porn, but because of the way I viewed myself. I viewed myself as a loser, as somebody that was unlucky and that nothing could go right in my life. And I could go for 30 days, 60 days or 90 days without porn, it didn't change. I once hit the 90 days mark in 2012-2013. I thought my life was better when it truly wasn't. The only difference was that I was not watching porn. But I was still felt like the same loser I thought I was.

    So 2017 and 2018 came. Since July I've been here trying to stop watching porn. From July to December I went on some good streaks, I felt better about myself but there was still something missing. I didn't trust myself. I didn't have the confidence that I could do what I wanted or what was necessary. And I created my own personal hell because I was too hard on myself because of it.

    So 2018 started. I said to myself, "I am not watching porn on 2018 and my life will be great". I had a good streak going once the year started. But one day, I realized that there was still something missing or something wrong. And the truth is that the one thing that was wrong was the way I talked to myself. All my thoughts were negative. From "If you can't stay away from porn, you are a loser" to "she is not into you, you are a loser. Why would she be interested in a loser?" 90% of the thoughts in my head were negative.

    And then, last week arrived. I was at a party and many of my friends and family were there. All types of people were there. Confident, not confident, arrogant, shy, friendly, assholes and many other types. But there was one person that called my attention and that is when I realized what was wrong with myself. My older brother. I'll be very straight. I don't like the guy. To me, he is an ungrateful asshole that loves to create problems where ever he goes and has no problem trying to make people feel like shit about themselves. He created a problem in the party and I wanted to kick his ass, but my friends and the thought of my mother seeing us fighting held me back. To me, he isn't worthy of much. But somehow, he is successful. Beautiful girlfriend, has his own money. When I got home after the party, still furious with him I started thinking "how the hell he has a beautiful girlfriend, has his own money being the way he is and I don't?" It is because he thinks he can. He thinks that he is worthy and is confident about himself. I don't know how he pulls it off, but that is the truth. He is confident and feels worthy.

    So, on Monday I tried researching, reading books about self confidence. Two concepts showed up in many forums, books and sites I was doing my research. The concepts of positive affirmations and visualization. At first, I was kind of skeptical about it. But I gave it a shot. 7 is my lucky number, so I've written a number of positive affirmations and I repeat them 7 times every morning and every night and then I visualize for 7 minutes how I want my life to be. What I found out is that these two concepts are very powerful. For the first time in years, I could be happy even if I felt that I needed to be better on some areas of my life. I felt worthy even without doing all I thought I needed to do in order to be happy. And it actually became easier to get up in the morning, study, read and try to get out of my comfort zone. Over the last 5 days, I felt good about myself no matter what. If I felt I didn't study enough for example, I acknowledged it. But it didn't take away the feeling that I am worthy of happiness. I still felt good and grateful for the time I studied. Furthermore, I think other people can sense it when you are on a more positive mental state because people that usually don't talk to me started talking to me this week. Maybe my body language became better, I don't know. But these two concepts made me good about myself the whole week. They made me feel enough.

    Some of you know might be thinking "so, you are still watching porn frequently now that you don't think it is as bad as you once thought?" The answer is no. I think I haven't watched porn since Monday or Tuesday and before that, I had another good streak going. I still think that my life would be better if I didn't watch it at all. But I compare porn now to McDonald's or alcohol. Is it healthy? No. Is it good for you? No. But sometimes, I just want to do it. I can't go to McDonald's every day. I should avoid it if I can. But I am less worthy of being happy if I go to McDonald's? Hell no. The same way sometimes I want one or two beers. I should avoid it. But am I less worthy if I drink? No. Today, I don't feel like watching porn. Maybe tomorrow, for whatever reason, I will fell like it. But I have to have priorities. If I have other things to do, I am not doing it. If I don't have anything to do and if I choose to watch it, am I less worthy of happiness? No. So, I try to stay away from it for as long as I can. But like McDonald's and like alcohol, for whatever reason, one day I might choose to do it. And as long as I know my worth, to me it is ok. (EDIT: It is not ok. Poor choice of words here. But it is not as bad as I made it to be.)

    So what am I trying to accomplish writing this? Well, people are different. My brother for example is ok being an asshole. I don't like being one. Being an asshole works for him. For me it doesn't. People are different. NoFap to me was more of a burden than I blessing and I see that now. I attached my self worth to the number of days I stayed away from porn. To me it wasn't as good and every time I failed, I tried again and again. And that is the definition of madness, trying to do the same thing over and over again when it is not working. But to other people, it was the blessing they needed in their lives. It changed their lives and I am happy for them. I wish it worked for me, but it didn't, no matter how hard I tried to tell myself it was making my life better. What held me back was the way I viewed myself. That is what happened to me. But your story is different than mine. We are different people. Maybe NoFap is not the answer to your problems. Maybe positive affirmations and visualization aren't either. So, I am trying to encourage you to find your answer. Try finding what applies to you. I am thankful to NoFap because it was part of the experiment of trying to find what was missing in my life. But I found the answer to my low selfconfidence and low self esteem problem somewhere I thought I would never find. In the form of my stupid older brother. Porn didn't take away my confidence. All the negative self talk did. That is something that I will still have to work on and I don't think that my problem is solved. But over the last 5 days, I feel happier than I can ever remember.

    Good luck, guys. Stay strong.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 4, 2018
  2. romlel

    romlel Fapstronaut
    NoFap Defender

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    Yeah your right NoFap is not a panacea but a starting push, to start doing good thing fo ourselves and not fleeing from our emotions and problems : )
     
  3. LilD

    LilD Fapstronaut

    I stopped reading here. Congrats, you just found an easy way out of all of your problems! Go ahead, affirm and visualize. Obviously, it's working, and that's why we have all these happy successful people around. They fucking affirmed themselves into happiness and visualized their success. Sure.
     
  4. Thanks man. People think that fapping is the problem. It is only one problem. The real problem is usually much deeper if you become addicted to something. My problem was that, and still is because I don't think I am out of it yet is that I don't usually don't have much self confidence. Positive affirmations help me because they just make me think more positively. When a negative thought comes in my mind, I can deal with it more effectively because of it. Negative thoughts also became less present in my head.

    Visualization helps me keep focused on my goals. I want a job that I will have the opportunity to earn in two months. I try to visualize as if I already won it because it keeps me focused on the goal. Will I be successful? I have no idea. But it helps me keeping focused and I can prepare better because of it.

    Good luck brother. Stay strong.
     
  5. This makes me sad. I think that the NoFap concept is about trying to help each other and that is what I tried to do. And as I said maybe what I've written doesn't apply to you. But you stopped reading so how could you have known, right?

    But I read all your short paragraph and I can't agree with a single thing you said. Let me start.

    1) "You just found an easy way out of all your problems." - Wrong. My problems still exist. But positive affirmations helped me to have a more positive view about them and that no matter what happens, I can survive it. Visualization helps me keeping focus on my goals instead of focusing only on my problems and my fears. My problems still exist. One for example, I still don't get along with my brother. It didn't go away.

    2) "Obviously, it's working, and that is why we have all these happy successful people around. They fucking affirmed themselves into happiness and visualized their success." Wrong again. There are successful people that already have a more positive view of themselves and therefore, they didn't need to affirm or visualize their success. One of my best friend's is a successful lawyer and I don't think he needed to affirm or visualize anything. He always had confidence in himself and did what he had to do. In my case, I had no confidence. Positive affirmations have helped me to feel more confident. For example, when my family talked about something, I'd stay quiet and just listen. I could disagree, but I would just listen and not give my opinion because I was afraid of disagreeing with them as I thought they were much more intelligent than me. This week, more often than not, I could give my opinion. Did I become the most confident person in the world? No. But telling myself that I am intelligent makes me feel more confident. What is wrong with that? There are people that say that meditating makes them feel better about themselves. What is the difference? Should they stop meditating because they found an easy way out? Give me a break. And visualization just helps me to focus on my goals and to do what I have to do. If I will be successful or not, I don't know. But if you can tell me what is wrong with doing something to become more focused, maybe I'll change my mind. I don't think you can, but feel free to try.

    So, I don't think I found an easy way out of all my problems. I am just trying to solve two of them. Lack of confidence and lack of focus on my goals. Positive affirmations and visualization helped me so far. Maybe it doesn't apply to other people. As my title highlights, this is my truth. This is the reality I live in. I am only trying to show people that everybody is different and that what works for you, may not necessarily work for me. And again, if you can tell me what is wrong with it, maybe I'll change my mind.

    Just to end this post, since you like sarcasm, here it goes:

    Thanks for the support man. I am going to affirm and visualize right away since it is almost time to sleep. :D:D Good luck to you as well.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 3, 2018
    C35 likes this.
  6. LilD

    LilD Fapstronaut

    That's simple: I know from my own experience in trying one too many "secrets to successful life".

    I also had bad experiences trying to convince people (in anything), so I just encourage you to try and hit the walls with your own head. It's okay to make your own mistakes. I'm serious about this.
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  7. zabooz

    zabooz New Fapstronaut

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    I do not think so either that Nofap can solve all of your problems, but maybe it can be a catalyst to get out of the comfortzone and get a little push into the right direction.

    You started with Nofap and found something that works for you. All the time you have invested in Nofap is time that you invested to improve yourself. if its right or wrong doesn't matter, the first big step is behind you: The ability to say that you are worth it to have a good life, no matter what.
     
  8. I don't think trying to improve is a mistake. I am just trying to become more confident and focus on my goals. And I am not trying to convince anybody nor having a bad experience. I just believe that there are many paths to success and to follow one of this paths, you need to be confident and focus on your goals. And however you can become more confident and have more focus, I just encourage people to do it. Whether it is NoFap, meditating, praying, positive affirmations or not believing in anything, do what works for you. I tried many of them. And positive affirmations are working better so far.

    For the last 5 or 6 years I've done exactly what you said. I hit the walls with my own head. Time and time again, if I relapsed, I tried to hit the wall harder the next time. NoFap saved me because I started looking for answers. It opened my eyes because I still think porn is unhealthy. I still try to stay away. But counting days and feeling like shit when I relapsed and had to reset my counter didn't work for me. It consumed a lot of my time and my energy. It wasn't working for me as well as I hoped it would. And as the great Albert Einstein said:

    "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results".

    I am trying something new. If NoFap is working for you, I am happy for you. If it is not, I encourage you to find something that does.

    Good luck man.
     
  9. LilD

    LilD Fapstronaut

    Choosing unproductive and counterproductive methods and tools is.
     
  10. Joona K

    Joona K Fapstronaut

    Thanks @LilD, I think "we others" did not see it worthy to answer that kind of justification texts for watching porn as I see above here. I just wanted to thank you, I did not see it worthy to read that crap too. I see it everywhere by porn industry (and their messengers) anyway: "porn is not so bad". Sure, and cows are flying...
     
  11. Absolutely. That is all I am trying to say. NoFap pushed me to get out of my comfort zone, to look for answers and start living a heathier life style. I found something that works for me better. I still believe that porn is unhealthy, but we do other unhealthy things from time to time and we don't hate ourselves because of it. I hated myself every time I relapsed and it can be just as unhealthy, if not more. And it didn't solve my confidence and lack of focus problem, which are the two problems that most affect me. I had to look for alternatives, and I think I found some answers.

    Thank you for understanding what I said. I still try to stay away from porn. I don't know how many times I can write that I still think it is unhealthy. But my self worth doesn't depend on it anymore. That is all I am trying to say.
     
    Vulkan likes this.
  12. Well, if you can tell me what the productive methods and tools are, feel free to do so. My best guess since you are still here is that you haven't, but maybe I am wrong.

    I am not trying to justify watching porn. If this is what you got from my post, it wasn't my intention as in fact I said many times that porn is unhealthy. I haven't watched porn for a week and before that I was on a streak of about 20 days. I just don't think that anybody should feel as bad as I felt when I relapsed. Feeling guilty and like a loser as I did was more unproductive and more unhealthy than watching porn will ever be in my opinion. If I am a "porn messenger" because of it, I don't know what I can say. But I am not a good messenger since I said many times it is unhealthy.
     
    Vulkan likes this.
  13. LilD

    LilD Fapstronaut

    Sure. There are plenty.
    • Asking for help or advice
    • Learning new skills
    • Talking to people, using their experience
    • Professional help, e.g. psychologists, if you have some serious problems
    • etc.
    And those visualizations and affirmations are like sitting in a burning house, telling yourself everything is okay.
     
  14. Thank you.

    When I ask for help or advice, people tell me that I need to be more confident in myself. If visualizations and affirmations help me on that end, I still don't know what the problem is.

    Learning new skills is productive in any situation.

    Talking to people and using their experience is basically the same concept of asking for help and advice.

    I already looked for professional help. Three psychologists told me that my main problem is that I lack confidence and that I care too much about other people think of me. Again, if visualizations and affirmations help on that end, I still don't know what the problem is.

    In the end, they didn't work for me when it came to my self confidence and focusing on my goals. There was still something missing. Here comes Einstein again:

    "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results".

    I've been in a burning house for 6 years. Feeling depressed. Not worthy of even giving my opinion. Didn't care about studying because why would I? I would fail at anything I tried. I was even afraid of creating an instagram account because I'd care too much about what other people thought about my pictures.

    This week I gave my opinion more often than not. I studied more than in any other week in the last 5 years. I created an instagram account and didn't try to think much about what other people thought of me. Every one has their on personal battles. I am trying to get out of my burning house. I am not sitting there telling myself everything is ok. Don't belittle my battles or my burning house and I won't belittle yours.

    If you don't believe that affirmations and visualization work, ok. I am not trying to convince you of anything. I think there are many paths to success and happiness. I believe in them. So stop trying to belittle my beliefs just because you don't believe in them.

    I hope you find your happiness, man. Stay strong.
     
  15. I agree with you that porn harms your mind and soul. But the negative self talk that can go on inside my head is more harmful. I try to stay away from porn. I try resisting the urges. My comparison was in the sense that just because I relapsed, I don't need to make myself feel worse by telling myself that I am a loser because I couldn't stay away from it. If the urges get the best of me, I won't make it a bigger deal than it is. I will try to learn from them and move on.

    I get you are coming from when you are talking about confidence and you made great points. But "my inner voice" always tries to tell me that I can't do this or do that. Telling myself that I can do something gave me the little push to get out of my comfort zone a little bit this week. That is all I try to achieve from doing it. My visualization workouts are just a way to keep focused on what is important as well. The same way some people pray or meditate and feel better and more focused, that is all I try to do.

    Thanks for the reply, man. A healthy and constructive debate is always helpful.

    Good luck on your path.
     
  16. The only way to not feel like shit about yourself is to accomplish something individually challenging. The interesting thing about this approach is, if you do it, and people try to knock you down, you'll see that their insults have no effect.

    This may be a 3 sigma only path, who knows. All I know is that there are no magic bullets.

    Any false construct of happiness will eventually fall.
     

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