Cam girls

Some thoughts:

1. Don't try to bend or adjust your feelings. If you feel that this particular activity stands out from the rest of the P addiction, and is an additional betrayal, you have the right to feel that way. Discuss that with him, express how it is different, give him a chance to also express his feelings on the subject.

2. The fact that you know so much about those cam girls means that he wants to quit, to come clean and to be honest. That's good.

3. Porn escalation can lead you into weird, dark, directions, and some form of interactivity, like chat, is one of them. It is nothing more than trying to get a bigger dose of the same drug.

4. I had a somewhat similar issue, though in my case it was not with cam girls, but with celebrities, more specifically female singers (I was never much into hardcore porn, but I don't think soft porn is any better and can just as well cause PIED), and of course some of those singers were my "favorites" in terms of whose photos I wanted to look at (definitely not musically). I can imagine that interest in a specific person can feel as additional betrayal. Except that, I think it is not really "interest in a specific person". It is rather interest in an objectified, artificial image that does not really connect to any real human being.

 

Dont try to learn to be ok with the fact your man is idiot. Kick his ass. Than he will be left alone with a dick in his hand infront of the monitor. Thats the way. Only way for him to heal. You are basically a provider. You accept his shit so he can have both, cam girls and you. Hes ok. You are suffering. WRONG

 

This is so sad, dont do this to yourself. That man is mentally ill addict. Im sure you tried to make this work, otherwise you would not be feeling that bad. You did your part, tryed. But he preffers to torture you instead of getting his addiction in check. He made his choice, now its your time. And dont get caught in the web of false promisses he will again tell you. He had his chance if I understand it right. Time to move lady!

Ps: i cant IMAGINE doing this to my girl. Or telling her "im only edging". Your relationship is a wreck. Leave it before it sinks with you on board. Better be alone than this and u will have chance to meet a better partner.

 

What sort of accountability system do you have? Have you guys been talking about this in the past? I got a programmed called Qustodio and installed it on my computer and phone and gave my SO the password so she can always see that I'm not up to anything. Maybe try something similar? It hasn't solved all of our problems but at least there's some accountability there. He needs to get help, he needs to show you he's getting help, he needs to stick to and be open and transparent about it.

 

From my own personal story this was my rock bottom moment that caused me to change. I lost the girl forever but the love I had for her forced me to look deep within myself and after asking "Why?" 50,000 times I found this site and sobriety.

Sometimes leaving can be the ultimate act of love.

 

"Sometimes leaving can be the ultimate act of love"

Exactly my point!

 

He's basically a drug addict. It has NOTHING to do with your attractiveness.

Think of him as akin to an alcoholic or a heroin addict.

 

Yeah it's messed up. Another way to look at it is, a lot of us guys started masturbating at a young age, and then we relied on it to soothe ourselves. Then P came along and made things a hundred times worse.

Somehow we compartmentalised it and rationalised it.

I say all this not to defend your SO but to let you know that it's nothing to do with you!

 

It's a bit weird isn't it? lol. Maybe he's stressed and afraid of losing everything.

Has he got an account here? If he has a journal we could help him there.

 

I started M when I was very young, and then later added soft P into the equation, making it much worse, as @hermit_ninja very well explained.

I was using M (and later M + soft P) as a powerful anxiolitic, that I needed daily. Why did I have so much anxiety? My life was quite fine.

Well, I think there are two reasons.

Firstly, when you take something against anxiety every day, it makes your anxiety worse and worse day by day.

Secondly, when you grow up while self-medicating yourself with something as powerful as M, you don't truly grow up. You grow up to become an overly sensitive man child, not ready for even the mildest challenges of life.

So quitting PMO is much about growing up, for me. About learning not be like "Oh nooo, I have a bit of blue balls, how could I ever focus on woooork, poor meeee" and to learn to be more like "A bit of blue balls, nothing serious, focusing on work now and it will be gone before I notice, pff, big deal". To learn to face hardship and challenge head first and not to cower away and trick my body into an endorphin release.

None of this has anything to do with you, your attractiveness, etc.

 

Oh dear, you are in a similar situation to mine 9 years ago, and for me chatrooms are worse then P, just like physical hook ups are worse then chatrooms. I found out that my husband was cruising chatrooms 9 years ago, early in the morning before I got up (I thought he liked looking at the birds at the feeder... because that's what he said). I was devistated. I cried, I railed, I didn't care so much about P cuz I had no idea PMO addiction was a thing then, and I read or watched a little P myself sometimes. I was crushed, and I didn't feel like enough. He promised he would never do it again, chatrooms, he had no idea I would see it as different then P. Fast forward 7 YEARS, and I catch him again, wedding ring off, pile of tissues on the couch, ready to blow (that ones for you @BelieveInChange ). I confronted him, and he convinced me that the edges of his ring sometimes catch his stuff and hurts (funny he didn't seem to complain when my ring catches "it"...) that's why he takes it off when he watches P. I went back to work, the gaslighting was so bad, and a part of me wanted to believe so that I bought that transparent lie, for almost 12 hours. I didn't sleep a wink that night, I just could see it, all the lies, his "headaches", not participating in our family life, everything. In the morning, I confronted him with a simple, your a fool to throw my love away, he finally cracked, it all came out, the whole messy lot of it. It was a horrible mess he had on his hands (last one?), we were in full crisis. We wasted an additional 7 years of our marriage on this? I was fucking furious, I honestly thought he was out of love with me, all the Inattention, getting soft when we made love, never wanting to participate in our rocking good life, I thought I must smell bad. The whole thing stole my confidence, I was tortured all those years and he knew, he fuckingk Knew the reason and he didn't tell me, he saw me running around all those years with powders, and nighties, and didn't say anything - that's the worse of it for me. You knew, and you didn't tell me, and you wasted so much of our time and love... so much heartache.

Fast forward to today, he has been in active recovery for 2 years, we are both in therapy and flirting with the idea of couples therapy, my grieving process was torture for both of us - and it's not over, he has his life back and is learning to live again (it's not all easy, he still shuts down and feels depressed but recognizes that sitting on the couch with the computer on his lap is not the answer), all internet devices are bugged for transparency and full disclosure - best for us for now, we are both feeling very grateful that things are so good between us - maybe the best we have been in 25 years together, we just don't take the laughter, the hot sex, the closeness for granted anymore.
I think the extra 7 years of lying and deceit coming toward me, and the shame and guilt of it all for him, is the biggest drag, it made the healing harder and longer, we will never be the same innocent people we were before. But, on a lighter note, I'm glad. I spend a lot of time mourning that innocent woman I was, who thought love could conquer all, but I like my new, take no prisoners, I can take care of myself self. I kick ass and have learned to be vulnerable again, I am stronger then I ever knew. And I think he learned about his strength too.

Wow, all that to simply need to tell you
1. All may not be what it seems

2. PMO addiction really is like any other addiction and is not about you, but it happened TO you, and that is very real.

3. He may not be ready to give it up, but don't be naive and let the years slip away, such a waste.

4. I think his willingness to devulge details is a good sign, now he has to find his strength and give it up.

5. Trust your instincts, gaslighting can make you doubt reality, trust yourself again.

6. I spent a lot of time trusting when I shouldn't have to make things nice, not your job right now, it's his turn to make things nice for you as a couple.

7. Be gentle with yourself, you have sustained a long term trauma, take care.
He has also sustained a long term trauma that's different from yours, and he needs to remember how to care for himself - and then remember how to care for you.

8. If there is love left it is possible to heal and have hope.

 

Did I mention that web cam is the fucking worst? Ugh