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Jagliana's Journal | An S.O's perspective

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Jagliana, Feb 4, 2018.

  1. Purity of Speech

    Purity of Speech Fapstronaut

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    thanks for your feedback. i'm listening. it's hard to know what helps individual people. i don't personally see going with this kind of pain helps - i think it's draining - but this may be different for others.
    by principle the idea with this approach is that a) you tend to need a pattern interrupt to stop self-distructing and b) that it's always good to shift the locus of control to your side.
    i appreciate, though, that this can come across as unsympathetic and if so, i'm happy to apologize.
     
  2. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    I didn't choose to go with pain, all of this was thrown on my lap; one fine day - unexpectedly, out of no where. My reaction is not something I could predict or control. As the person on the other end of this addiction, it is extremely traumatic, painful and the biggest betrayal one can experience. I'm not choosing to be dramatic, every action has a reaction and my pain is not a dramatization of a situation, it was indeed 100% how I felt and still feel. My entire life was thrown into a tailspin and that's a fact.

    Having said that, I am still here for my husband and didn't leave him to pick up all the pieces himself, no matter how much pain I'm in.
     
  3. Purity of Speech

    Purity of Speech Fapstronaut

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    i will say: if your approach & the support you're getting here helps you, i have nothing to ad to that and wish you all the best. i have tons of experience with all sides of these situations and sometimes really the hardest thing is reaching people with mental problems. my insensitively, obviously!, communicated approach is based on the experience that you often need all the energy, focus and often street smarts to get there. my main point here is to apologize to you and everybody else who felt offended. sorry. i stick by my point, though, that your husbands addiction has very likely little or nothing to do with qualities of you. anyway: all the best and sorry, again, for the offense caused!
     
    Despicable me likes this.
  4. Who are you referring to?
     
  5. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    @Purity of Speech I assume you are talking about PA's when you address people on here with mental problems because, yes there are some addicts here who are so far in their addiction, no one can reason with them, and that's just where they are in their own journey.

    But to try to help you understand what SO's are going through, it's called PTSD or Betrayal Trauma. So if a veteran has PTSD and hears a firework and they instantly duck and cover it's because they were traumatized so badly from war that just that sound brings back pain and so they react in an instant, no thoughts, just instinct. So for us SO's seeing an image, a sound, sex, etc. can bring it all back and we react before we can even process what's happening because we have been traumatized. Now, there is help for addicts out there and there is help for SO's with PTSD and Betrayal trauma. But @Jagliana is new, she is at the very beginning of this journey and still might not understand everything and she is trying to journal and vent to understand.

    I know that when I had my big DDay (#8) I was a mess, and the next 3 months I was still a mess and had no idea what was happening to me, I was someone I didn't recognize, but then realized I was traumatized and my reactions were from triggers.

    It takes a lot of time to process the fact that the life you have been living has been a lie. One day your reality is having a faithful husband and wonderful marriage, and the next day your husband is a cheater and your marriage is crumbling. It happens in an instant. Such a dramatic change is traumatic. It takes months, years to process depending on how the PA reacts and treats the SO post DDay.

    BTW, Jagliana, check out my signature with the Resources Thread, it can be very helpful! I wish you well in this journey of recovery!
     
  6. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    Thank you so much @AnonymousAnnaXOXO it is PTSD and I did think everything was going perfectly, until it wasn't. Unless you've been through it, from our side of it - you can never really understand it.

    I have saved both threads, I will go through them tonight, thank you again!
     
  7. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    Really? Please, tell us what kind of experience you have. Have you been the SO of a PA? As well as being a PA yourself? Enlighten us with your infinite wisdom on these matters.
     
  8. ItsNeverTooLate

    ItsNeverTooLate Fapstronaut

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    Or spare us. I’ve heard enough. More about @Jagliana. It’s her thread.

    Thanks @Jagliana for sharing your story. The bulk of us welcome you with caring arms. We are sorry you find yourself here but know you’re in a good place for you and your SO to find the aid you need to get through this.

    Totally! I know a lot about PTSD from growing up with someone who has it. I felt because of my exposure to the difficulties PTSD caused that I had built a good emotional stability to avoid ever being put in that situation. I’ve been in a few situations that have caused PTSD in others but I’ve fortunately been okay. Guess what? 1 year later when things are great in our relationship and I feel positive about my emotional recovery from my SO PMO addiction, the nightmares begin. So right when my therapist gave me the okay to come only when I need her, we have decided to switch over to EMDR therapy for the nightmares until resolved. Why now I asked? PTSD. She said it can be delayed in surfacing in some people.

    Case in point...every one is different and no one can tell an SO how they will end up responding to their SO betrayal.

    I feel considering your story, you are doing really well with dealing with your husband’s addiction and understanding your own needs. It’s a work in progress and you both are doing more together than many others out there so be proud of moving in the right direction.

    No matter the outcome to your story, best wishes for a happier, better life that you rightfully deserve!❤️:emoji_hugging:❤️:emoji_hugging:
     
  9. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    Thank you so much @ItsNeverTooLate - I appreciate your kind words. It really is a work in progress, because as we are dealing with his recovery, I must also begin my own. <3
     
  10. Purity of Speech

    Purity of Speech Fapstronaut

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    because this is a direct question to me, let me reply once more here: her guy has a compulsion challenge, which i termed 'mental' here. the question is legit, though, since we basically all have mental problems of one type or another.
    i have apologized here to jagliana & the rest of you who felt offended and also per message to her personally. but my post was not heartless & contained some of the best professional tools to engage a situation like this. ...esp also ptsd, since this was mentioned by several of you. the core problem with ptsd is a sensed lack of control over a situation that is unacceptably dangerous to your mind, so the best treatments focus on finding some way to shift the locus of control.
    my perception is that jagliana is articulate & on the whole, well connected with her guy, that he is amenable and loves & likes her & is commited to the relationship & the kids. yet he doesn't respond to the fully maxed out range of communication attempts.
    my perception is that
    a) the futility of her communication attempts and
    b) the implied statement of his usage of pornography about her were the most dominant challenges for her.
    beyond this, there is his usage, of course. you would agree, though, that his usage of porn wouldn't cause jagliana ptsd & divorce fantasies, if she was ok with it, didn't know about it, or he was just a neighbor, right?
    i've tried to 'prove' her what i feel is reasonable to assume but also wholesome, namely, that his usage likely has nothing to do with limitations of her by suggesting social social proof (specifically per 'multiple source effect'), which has high degrees of persuasiveness with socially well adjusted, outgoing people like jagliana seems to be.
    for the first problem (of communication), i suggested, that he is not mean or condescending or disrespectful in his usage or response pattern (for example, lying), but 'damaged' (for lack of a better term).
    my suggestion was (role-)'modelling' an archetypal person likely very familiar to jagliana and from her self-description well in her range of competence. the assumption with this is the positive view that there is probably somebody out there who can handle something like that magically and you have significant things in common with them. such women are regularly in the media and many women have quite a bit of them in themselves already at varying times in their lives. of course, it's hard in crises to bring up but possible. modelling or embodying works better than most verbal advice because we're wired to do so from infancy and it takes on hundreds of unseen aspects into account. key is the unconscious assimilation of holistic patters, not just a single trait. we're all doing this regularly.
    the best of animal trainers do not use threats at all. since the OPs portrayal of their set is that they are a pretty good team, the suggestion to make communicating with her more attractive is, i think, reasonable.
    this approach also insulates her from being dependent on his success/failure to regulate himself, which would be a key priority in supporting wholesome responses and, if nothing else, the kids.
    the direct & unexpected tone is called a 'pattern interrupt' and functions better than understanding or most other tools to arrest unproductive emotions that tend to burn you out with little to get for than commiseration.
    beyond that, i suggested a kind of humility is the best way to get results. while counterintuitive at first, study people who get results in the field (where often nobody can) and you'll see how this works.
    these are the top tools in the industry, if you need results in, say, difficult hostage negotion or if you want to help an athlete who can't get his or her form. but they have also been shown to yield unexpectedly amazing results in interpersonal crises situations, for example, in families.
    a lot depends here on how much you need tangible results quickly or how much you primarily need understanding of the frustrations you're going through. in the very first sentence of my post, i said, that i felt that understanding jagliana's frustration was covered already very well by other posters, so i only mentioned that i empathize, which i'm happy to repeat.
    so, this to clarify what appeared to some of you being mean for not good reason. the main point, that you have all made eloquently, however, is that i have communicated more than poorly and for this i should apologize. however, if you can find a more likable source, these tools are really top.
     
  11. Okay bud listen, what you wrote or how you worded it, how sorry you are etc., doesn't really matter at this point. It has no place in someone's NoFap journal about her own personal journey with her legitimate feelings, pain and turmoil. You have absolutely no right to offer any type of suggestions on how she should be reacting or not, how she should be feeling or not, how she should be treating her husband or not; unless you can prove to me or any of us here that you are a certified Psychiatrist, with many years of practice in this area. This wasn't a place where she was seeking out theories or opinions on the matter; especially from PA's who say a lot but really say nothing beneficial at all, she started a journal to vent and log her feelings, thoughts and progress about her personal situation. Now if you were actually concerned about her, you could have private messaged her your thoughts instead of blasting them on her safe space here, talk about seeking out drama. Anyway, when we are young, we are all taught "If You Have Nothing Nice To Say, Don't Say Anything At All", something important to always keep in mind. I think you have expressed yourself more than enough on her journal. If you want to talk about your theories, I suggest doing it on your own page. Leave her journal in your rear-view mirror and let this woman have her safe space. No need to respond to me or anyone else, this is not the place for that, all you are doing is clogging up her page.

    I am pretty sure her husband is reading all this and fuming, I would be as well, I'm a recovering PA and I don't think my wife overreacted at all, so just move on please.
     
  12. C_m

    C_m Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for this thread. My wife could have written one much the same as yours. One major positive of recovery is a growing sense of empathy. As his brain heals and he truly addresses the addiction and its causes, his world will open up to those around him. I wish you well in this process.
     
  13. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    Thank you :)
     
    Walter Milowski likes this.
  14. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 9:

    He has been making it a habit of us having 15-30 minutes of one on one talks without distraction (no phones, computers, lights etc.) We talk about everything from urges, his thoughts, my thoughts and to what we need to get at the supermarket. Doing this every night has really helped us communicate, be more open and honest with each other and he is making truth telling a habit (for now at least). It has also helped me feel closer to him, believe or not even closer then when his PM addiction was something I didn't know about. I consider this progress, baby steps but going in the right direction.
    [​IMG]
     
  15. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

  16. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 10:

    So, we had another talk about our day, he told me he had no urges today. I'm happy for him and for us, that he is actually feeling more comfortable telling me whether he is having them or not. I consider that good progress. My mood however keeps bouncing up and down, sometimes I am feeling hopeful, other times I still wonder "how long will this last?" "Is he waiting for me to get comfortable again?" Calm before the storm so to speak. I really hope not, but I just don't know what to believe anymore, after being deceived so much. I really want this to finally be the turning point needed for him to be open and honest with me, about everything! That being said, I am so proud of him for getting to 10 days, Pm free!
    [​IMG]
     
    Last edited: Feb 9, 2018
    !mkj!, Kenzi and ItsNeverTooLate like this.
  17. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    Random mood right now:

    [​IMG]
     
    Jason Russo NYC likes this.
  18. TryingHard2Change

    TryingHard2Change Distinguished Fapstronaut

  19. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    Thank you :) I'm trying heh.
     
    TryingHard2Change likes this.
  20. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 12:

    So, last night my husband said he watched the 'Help Her Heal' videos by Dr. Doug Weiss, throughout the last few days at work etc., but he wanted to re-watch them with me, so that he can pause when needed and we could talk about each segment. We watched the first 30 minutes last night and wow I couldn't believe how 1) they made me feel (finally understood) and 2) so emotional, it's as if Dr. Weiss was translating and putting into words the jumbled up thoughts I couldn't express out loud. I would like to give a shout out to @TryingHard2Change for providing him those resources, I really appreciate it. I was a bit shocked that he wanted to re-watch them with me (even at all) that is a pretty thoughtful gesture, kind of took me by surprise. We are almost at the two week mark of his no PM and I'm very proud of him, because the times he had urges or thoughts in the last 12 days, he was upfront with me about it. I hope, like really really really hope this continues. So far, we have not missed one night of our one on one talks and it is also helping us reconnect, be honest and open with each other. Now, I am still conflicted in regards to having sex, he told me that he honestly doesn't and never has connected his PM'ing to us when we are intimate together and if not for his constant betrayal, I would believe him right off the bat because I can say that from my own personal experience (as I M for time to time myself) I too can separate sex with him vs. myself, I never connect the two. He offered to go full on PMO to show me that one thing has nothing to do with another, but I kind of believe he is being honest, so why take a way a big part of reconnecting as one? (being intimate). He asked me, how could I still want to be with him, after all he has done and so quick and if I am being honest with myself, as shameful as it is to admit, especially on this forum... it's because 1) I still love him, even when I'm sad, disappointed and in pain 2) I am still very attracted to him 3) Our daily talks are making me feel much closer, may be even more then we were before D-Day. I don't know what it is, but when I see him being honest (for once!), vulnerable, it eases my mind and... all my other parts and I want him even more. Some may consider it weakness on my part and maybe it is, but I don't know how else to explain it. And only after reading some of the other S.O's posts, I ind of feel embarrassed that I feel this way, when I should be smacking him off with a 10 foot pole instead. Throughout these day(s) I feel bipolar at times, even though I am not - but I get hopeful (happy) randomly, then all of a sudden an hour later I feel emotional, sad and then it all goes away, then comes back, it's like I can not control my brain. Sorry for the rambling, I hope it makes sense to someone at least, even if that someone isn't me lol.

    In any event we are almost at a full 2 weeks of honesty :emoji_heart:! I am just happy about that, baby steps.

    [​IMG]
     

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