Yet another attempt to stop

Hi all,

I'm about 40, married with children and I'm addicted to porn. I found internet porn in early 90's on usenet but at that time I could keep it mostly under control. When internet evolved I started downloading movies and it was still under control.

A few years ago it changed. We had some problems with my wife, I felt that she never wanted it and the easy solution for me was not to try and head out to my study instead. Bittorrent and Piratebay were my friends but a chat room became my real problem. Every now and then I would find someone who could provide what I was looking for and I was hooked. Over the years it became almost automatic for me to spend the night there once the kids and wife were asleep. I only needed to see a hot lady in bikinis on TV to get started or to have an hour alone.

Two major problems resulted from this: I no longer came with my wife when we had sex. As a younger man I usually came way to quickly, now I could go on for hours and she cannot take it so I ended up masturbating anyways. Another problem has been the time it takes... If I start at around 11pm it might be 2am when I'm done. I just keep looking for the right person on chat and hope to find one for hours. It's not about the orgasm but the route there. When I try to wake up in the morning I can feel I haven't slept nearly enough. It has also affected my work somewhat as I haven't had the energy required.

Several times I told myself that this needs to stop but I haven't been able to stick to it. I think that I'll just do it once, it can't really hurt. But it does. One time becomes two and three and four and before I notice I'm back to several times a week.

About two weeks ago I really had enough after just three hours of sleep. In the evening I read a few FAQ's on nofap.org and found a lot of answers to things I've been wondering.

So far I've been ok. We've had sex two times but no PMO. Whenever I find myself thinking of fapping or even porn I tell myself "nofap, nofap" and so far it has helped me.

I was happy to make it to September, now my target is to make it to October. Not to fap once I reach it but to move to target to November.

I'm so glad this site exists. With the FAQ's I can better understand what is really going on in my mind and it has really helped me. I don't think I could talk to my wife or friends about this, I hope to get peer support here and hopefully provide some support of my own at some point.

cheers!

 

So far I've been able to nofap. Every now and then I feel that I should go for a quick one, but then I remember what happened every other time I thought I could do it just once and it never happened. Some people here write about edging but it is absolutely out of the question for me. It wasn't about the O for me, much more about P and M. O was just something that came when I the time run out and I had to stop.

The TED talk about the Internet porn experiment was the eye opener for me. From the talk I got a much better understanding of what was happening in my brain and I think that has helped me immensely.

I find myself turning my eyes away from billboards with ladies in underwear, my attitude towards porn has changed (more negative). Somehow this reminds of me when I turned vegetarian a few years ago... Sex (about once a week) has been ok, I might say the last time I wasn't quite as delayed as I have sometimes been. I don't feel the need to talk about various fantasies with my wife (she hasn't been quite as enthusiastic about them to begin with)

I feel full of energy and things are getting done around the house! This is the best thing that I've done and has happened to me for quite a few years. I hope things will stay this way.

 

This is the moment when I'd go and PMO to vent off some of the frustration. But I won't do it this time, I've made up my mind. My life is so much better without PMO (or just the PM, I'm not doing hardcore).

Realizing what are the things that have lead me to each PMO has been eye-opening. Now I can steer away from those situations or do evasive maneuvers if I get too close. Not all hope is lost.

 

Made it to October, yey! Next target making it to November.

There are still moments when I would like to go and see all the nice pictures and videos, still triggered by ladies in underwear... but so far I have been able to resist it. "just a quick one once, it shouldn't matter that much..." but it would and I would hate myself.

Not that much sex recently, she had her period and ended up giving me a hand job. I wonder if that was good or not, but at least there was and has been no P. She doesn't have a death grip but it was pretty quick, even without fantasies so I was actually quite happy. I don't feel like I should reset my counter because of that.

Somehow I feel this is easier for me than for a lot of people here. Maybe I hit the bottom hard enough so that I can remember what it means to fail again. I tried many times on my own and made it for a few weeks but then failed. Being here, even if I'm pretty much writing to myself, makes it feel a lot easier. If I fail I fail in front of all of you, not just myself.

 

Right now I really really want to PMO for the temporary pleasure... this is one of my regular times and places for it and I'm sure someone is waiting just for me at the chat room. Sorry to keep you waiting

I've gone back to being too quick for my taste. I'll have to find some other way to control my O instead of numbing my brain with excess PMO. And even a bit of PMO will lead to excess PMO, I've learnt that by now.

 

I saw naked beautiful breasts in a movie today, just a short scene of two people having sex, not a P video at all. I felt an old trigger doing something but I dodged it pretty well.

I haven't felt the urges that much any more. Still I sometimes think of what it would feel like to go for some PMO, what I could say in the chat room etc.

Overall I'm feeling pretty good about my progress but I don't think I'm in the clear yet.

 

Thanks for the kind words guys!

Spun, some people prefer doing this the hard mode, by not having sex or O's at all, not even with their loved one. I guess it depends on your circumstances which is the best mode for you. If you have no major problems when having sex with your wife I don't see that strong reasons to go with the hard mode ( i.e. count normal sex as a reset). Have you told her about your addiction? If not then hard mode might be difficult to arrange as she might wonder why you don't want it, if you have someone else etc... you know much better than I whether you should tell your wife. I didn't tell mine.

Having normal sex with your loved one is what many of us are after and those are the neural pathways that you want to strengthen while eradicating the PMO ones.

 

I feel so frustrated at home... my traditional approach to get some temporary relief was to go for some PMO and I really would like to do it again, much more than I have for weeks.

If I didn't have the option of writing here I would be doing it again, but now I believe I can get through this. Thanks guys, without this community I'd still be wasting my life.