Acknowledgment, Gratitude and healing

@Batboy123
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I opened the site today right to this message, just as I’m coming to my own harsh realizations. You see, I left my wife of 17 years for another woman, a woman that so attracted me not just with her appearance but her faith and her heart. But now that my P addiction has reared it’s head in my new relationship and I’m coming to terms with this addiction, I am questioning my decision. Did I leave my marriage because of my PMO addiction? Please, if you’re reading this, don’t try to answer my question. I am just acknowledging that I have come to a new place in my journey that I hadn’t expected. The truth still is that I was never in love with my wife and there was never much physical attraction. There was a level of friendly intimacy but that was about it. She struggled with a food addiction and gained over 150lbs after our children’s birth. I have used this to justify my development of the addiction to PMO, but looking back even further I see I had a lust issue prior to my marriage. I am much happier emotionally and sexually in my new relationship and our shared faith, I believe, has led me to the healing path I am now on. But I can’t stop wondering if, had I stayed away from PMO during my marriage, if things would have been different.

My marriage was quite platonic, business like and lacking in emotion or sexual attraction. Has anyone felt that this state is conducive to seeking out P for what’s missing in their relationship? I don’t want to blame because I know it is ultimately me; I’m the one who sought it and got hooked. But on the other hand, had our intimacy been right, I suppose I would have been more satisfied.

 

Please tell me if I'm overstepping. I will delete if so.

Have you ever wondered if perhaps your first wife sought solace in food because your attention was in PMO and not in your marriage? I realize that could be a very simplistic answer to something that I'm sure is very complex, but I was just throwing that out there as food for thought.

 

Cherished, valued and desired. Therein lies my problem as I can’t ascribe those feelings to my first marriage, as much as I dearly wanted to. That left room for problems and PMO was a futile attempt to fill the void. I still hurt deeply over the inability to connect with her, to find meaningful emotional intimacy. Many men scoff at a man’s need for that but I will unashamedly proclaim it.

 

Thank you for offering this. My instinct is that I signed up for something I couldn’t do and we both suffered for it. I think my distance worsened her food issue and the emotional distance left us both reeling and engaging in our drug of choice. But it’s not as if we had ever connected. There were attempts on both sides but we didn’t speak the same language. I’m an emotional, conversational and touch type and she’s an “acts of kindess” person for those who have read “The Five Love Languages”. On top of that I just never really found her very desirable- I knew that upfront and rationalized that it wasn’t very important in the whole scheme of things. Maybe I was right but ultimately I strayed to online chat rooms and PMO so I guess my grandiose ideas wrote checks I couldn’t cash.

 

@RecoveringLion i have to say all of the posts I read by you are just a wonderful source of information, perspective, and thought processes. From one Lion to another, thanks for your continued devotion to bettering yourself and helping the addicts around you who struggle as well.