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Am I being emotional abused?

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by Jade_1001, Feb 7, 2018.

  1. Jade_1001

    Jade_1001 New Fapstronaut

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    Hello!

    I need help, well, I think I need help.
    Long story short: I lived without porn and sex and relationships, so that after 21 years of addiction, I could finally heal.
    That journey went well. And I am so grateful for that.

    What I am really bad is, relationships. I really need to learn again, because I never had a good and lasting relationship.

    So I met this woman about 9 weeks ago. I am 34 she is 26 and we hit it off right from the start. Real intense talks, walks in the park and coffee and so on. About 3 weeks in, we hugged for the first time and it was so intense. When we started kissing, I felt time stood still and all I felt was this deep warm feeling for her.
    At the time I got cautious and talked to her about what I wanted. I said I want something real and I want it to last, that I want this feelings between us to work out. And she said she wanted that too.

    So, sexuality is wonderful, we talk and all that. But the more time I spent with her, the more kind of uncomfortble I got. She slowly changed somehow.
    She only talks about her feelings for me, in really sparse moments. I talk to her about that often: Hey, I really liked we did go out yesterday, or, you look wonderful in that dress, and so on.
    She only smiles, says thank you, and that is that. She never said: "I missed you", "hey, do you want to come with me?" About three days ago, she said, she will go to her yoga lesson, and that she does not want me to find me crying in my room, because it would get on her nerves. That did hurt a lot.

    The only time she opens up a little is while we are having sex. And that cant be it, right?

    No matter how wonderful the night was, dinner, or whatever, she seems to forget that time we spend and ignores me and worse, she doesnt care. I talked to her about it, told her, that it is very irritating, on one side telling me, that I am such a wonderful man (happened 4 times) and on the other she goes about her day as if I dont matter to her at all.

    I talked to her yesterday about my feelings for her and what I think she battles inside her. Shes grown up with abuse. So. Well, I told her that I think she is afraid of opening up to me or that she lied to me telling me that I am such a wonderful man, a man she might want to be in her life for a long time.

    Well, that went sideways very fast. She turned it all around and about an hour later all my emotions all my empathy all of me was destroyed by her. She talked me into believing that it was all my fears, all my faults, that I am the one who cant live "his truth".

    Well, and today the old "find somebody to fuck" mentality came back and I was shocked to find me wanting to fuck her, like I did other women back when I was a sex addict.

    I know it is a long text, but I need some help. What is happening here? Am I the one who is insane? Did I get myself caught up in bad relationship? My addictions are kicking the living hell out of me right now....

    something must be wrong here.
     
  2. Man...thats crazy.you are in a landmine field now.be REALLY careful.the addiction is laughing at you right now.dont Lost Focus of that:the urge never forgot.you destroyed It and moved on,but the urge is aways here,waiting.i cant give you any advice cuz im a teenager,never been in a relationship to Begin with,but just dont relapse ok?
    has she tricked you?i dont know,but dont allow your old pmo self to do so.

    Good luck.
     
  3. Poseidon

    Poseidon Fapstronaut

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    Maybe not insane, but you seem needy and like you need constant reassurance. That gets old fast for anyone. I’m on her side.
     
  4. Paperweight

    Paperweight Fapstronaut

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    From what you describe, she sounds cruel.

    Maybe it is her fears/insecurities/scars of abuse making her act in a hostile way, maybe it's something else. Either way, you two don't seem to want the same thing and you don't sound happy.
     
  5. I think hes right. Youre being real emo. It seems like things were going great and you freaked her out with your need for constant reassurance. If things are going well and progressing naturally you will know because she will automatically draw closer to you. Actions and behavior speaks way louder than words and this totally negates the need for, "i like you a lot and I hope you like me", "are we boyfriend and girlfriend yet? wanna be?" , "Do you still like me". It seems like you ruined the vibe by asking all this and maybe you caused her to read too deep into this and have second thoughts about you. Then you confronting her makes you look super needy and makes the whole interaction uncomfortable.

    You need to slow the fuck down and chill out. Youre acting like you guys have been together for a year and its only been 6 weeks.
     
  6. Jade_1001

    Jade_1001 New Fapstronaut

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    thank you for your opinions!

    the truth is: yes, I am a grade A pussy.

    I was abused as a child, raped and had a lot of effed up relationships. This is not an excuse, this where I come from, this is what made me a low self esteem,anxious, nervous, ... effed up human being with a lot of addictions. But the time now is now, and now I am being a pussy and I need get my head out of my ass.

    Is she someone who is right for me? I dont know and that made me anxious, nervous and in so far I searched for reassurance from her instead of myself, because I dont know yet, if I want her in the long term. Some red flags are definitly there. And she might become worse, or she might not. Yes, I really dislike her treating me in a way I am not comfortable with. I might talk to her about it, when I am back on my feet and talk without being anxious all the time. It does make me crazy and it makes her crazy as well, I guess. After all she's got a past, too.

    As my addiction wanted to kick in again, after all this time, I really started to worry. But when does addiction kick in? When you're weak and dont follow your own vision of yourself, when you stray from your own path just a little too far.

    So, yes all of you are right, in my opinion. She is cruel sometimes and I am a pussy at times. And now I have to work on myself to become a better version of me. I want to decide on my own, if I really wanna be with her, so I dont need her reassurance for myself anymore, but can enjoy her being nice to me. And that means kicking my old habits of being a pussy in the face. Cant let the past decide my present and future after all. Thus I can take a better look at her behaviour as well. Relationships change every day after all. And I wont be chasing her any more, Ill be working on being a better, healthier, more independent me. And the rest will follow, what ever happens.

    Thank you for talking straight! Everyone.
     
    Deleted Account and Poseidon like this.
  7. Brah42

    Brah42 Fapstronaut

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    Just man up.Don't be in a state of submission talk to her straight in the eye tell her how you feel about her.spit the facts.
     
  8. Were all fucked up human beings but you have a great attitude. You dont use your past as an excuse and you take responsibility for your actions and mistakes. This girl probably wont even be important in the long run so try not to stress too much.

    It seems like this is a good opportunity to take an honest look at your behavior and determine how much your negative past experiences are coloring the way you look at the present and effecting your interactions and to try to change those patterns. If you have the courage and are taking the steps to stop being a pussy and become the confident respectable man you know you can be then youre already winning. Stop judging yourself, be patient with yourself and dont give up.
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  9. So we're missing vital information. She said she doesn't want to find you crying alone in your room wile she's at yoga?

    So this kinda thing had happened before? I have alot of questions in that on its own that I know better than to ask.

    My advice would be to not cry/be needy around her. It's been 3 months and you're talking to her as a fiancé spending the rest of your life's together.
     
  10. ClaudeDuval

    ClaudeDuval Fapstronaut

    I was in the same situation with my GF. I wanted her to be extra clingy with me and I wanted her to be all over... I would freak out all the time and tell her she was being cold and acting like a bit**. I changed my attitude and started caring less about what she was doing... Things are much better. You can't smother her or overwhelm her but if she's giving you the cold shoulder constantly then you need to move on.
     
  11. The Wrestler

    The Wrestler Fapstronaut

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    Telling someone how they feel or how they think rarely goes well, which is why...
    Yep. Not a surprise.
    How were you feeling when you noticed those thoughts coming back? Hurt?
    Yes. You're doing a really good job of articulating things, and demonstrating a really good self-awareness.
    Case in point - you know what to watch for, and what to avoid.
    What do you think of this attitude? How might this attitude be an asset or a hindrance?
    What might she be feeling in this situation? What does she need?
    What do you need?
     
    Jennica likes this.
  12. SheMonk

    SheMonk Fapstronaut

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    It sounds like you have an "anxious attachment" style, meaning you're one who needs constant reassurance from your partner, and when you don't get it, you get needy, pushy and clingy. She does sound sort of like a person with an "avoidant attachment" style, meaning she will push you and intimacy away when it gets too intense. This is probably the worst combination. Look it up if you're interested in reading about it.
     
    SanityOverVanity and Abird like this.
  13. Sounds like you still have some baggage of your own to release, she probably does too, but its her choice what she wants to unload on you or not. You kinda backed her into a corner, knowing she'd been abused. You being a womderful man has nothing to do with her opening up emotionally. Relax and focus on being the best version of you and encourage her to do the same, but you cant force her.
     
  14. Abird

    Abird Fapstronaut

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    Yea you know what it is? I might have an idea, but I need you to answer the next questions:
    1) Does she prevent you leaving her?
    2) Is there a patern of a instable but intense relation where you are "the person" or she is trying to get you down to the grond with blaming everything on you?
    3) Does she have an instable selfworth and selffeeling ?
    4)Does she have implusive reaction on two areas like: "money,sex,abuse of resources, theft, binge eating, etc."
    5) Does she have sucidical thoughts or does she treat with it?
    6) Does she have strong mood changes?
    7)Does she has a chronic feel of emptiness?
    8)Does she has inadequate/intense anger or need effort to control anger?
    9)Does she transient, stress-bound paranoid ideas or severe dissociative symptoms?

    If 5 of those are yes she might be suffering from personality disorder called Borderline.
    You should look it up. It's common that girls that are abused in the youth develop borderline

    It's all based on her as you said she has been abused. It can also be that she is normal and that your vision of relation is not hers vision.
     

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