Trying Again

Hey guys, Adam here

Elaborating on the title of this introduction post, I think without a doubt most of us have had to "try again" many, many times(possibly hundreds, thousands if you've been in this longer than I have.) I am 22 years old, I found porn when I was 14, I've been actively trying to stop since I was 15, more seriously when I turned 18.

Its been a long road for me, there have been times where I've gone very long before relapsing and times where its felt like forever before I was able to get a streak going again. I've learned many things along the way, and though I have not been able to completely overcome this addiction, its effects on my life are diminished and the character I have developed along the way is something I am proud of and want very badly to improve upon.

I've been a reader of NoFap for a few years, and have the emergency app on my phone which I find very helpful. The most difficult issue for me is my desire to bury my problem so deep within me that no one can suspect anything. I can no longer afford to keep is this way, as it provides fuel for my addiction to survive. Porn wants you to become an island with no outside options for motivation, strength, or accountability. I have become a very closed person because of this and I want to end this nearly decade long cycle. Change requires action, and slowly throughout this year I will work on becoming more open and vocal about my struggle and why it is so important to oppose pornography. I am starting with this post and a daily thread in the appropriate age group forum.

For all who have been in this and succeeded, you have mastered a part of yourself that will take you far in life! For those who are struggling, many of you much harder than myself, know that the process of learning how to beat this addiction will change you in ways you never expected. Keep going and if you fall, start again and repeat this until you break the cycle! This addiction is no match for the one who does not quit no matter how weak he may feel.

I'll see you out there fapstronauts

 

This is all excellent and very encouraging info to read, thank you so much! Becoming an active member here is certainly something for me to strive for in the next few weeks.

~A

 

https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/rebooting-life-thread-of-a-22-y-o.152688/#post-1269048

 

Day 18 - Good News and Bad News

SUMMARY: It's day 18, good start but I'm letting stress compound without healthily coping with it. Today is about planning how to cope during an intense semester.

WHAT I'VE NOTICED SO FAR IN ABSTAINING FROM PMO:
- higher confidence levels in my work/school, slightly quicker thought-to-speech processing
- slightly more willing to talk to girls/even people I'm not acquainted with.
- more willingness to do things I really don't want to do without being motivated.(e.g. studying, early mornings, healthy eating)

Since optimistic is what I like to call myself I'll start with the good news! Its day 18, I'm still here. This is the longest recorded streak that I can remember in at least the past year. Once school started I found myself extremely busy and my focus devoted to my responsibilities which can always give you a good head start on your streak. Small successes that I work hard for everyday will amount to longterm success in the future, even when we can't see that day-to-day.

The bad news is my goal to post daily has failed(the last time I posted was day 2). As I spend less time on the internet(a first in almost a decade), I find less time devoted towards positive things such as NoFap and personal interests. I am going to switch to posting twice a week for now and see if I can add on to it. It's clear that I can't be as active on this site as I should be but I will do my best to read other threads!

If any of you have ever performed an exercise(e.g. squat, bench, deadlift) you know that even at moderate intensities as you do more work(reps) your form starts to break down. I feel that happening to me right now. I've started to waste more time online during studying hours, I missed an assignment because I didn't check to see if anything else was due, and every morning/night when I'm at home I start to feel moderate urges(I'm very aware of the signs/my triggers at this point). I started to stress eat again (pizza and ice cream after work ) and I'm not giving myself enough alone/disconnected time during the day.

I'm writing my plan to adjust here so I force myself to come back to NoFap and not be a stranger lol:
- 1. get a planner for school, communicate clearly what you need to do each day so future Adam is not lost.
- 2. Get off your phone when you go to bed/wake up. Read a book instead you scholar.
- 3. 15-30min playing piano daily. Great way to relieve stress, I love music.
- 4. Ask mom how her day was a couple times a week. For pete's sake be less like a hermit in your own house. You still have this habit of walling yourself off from your family because you don't want this struggle becoming known. Fuck that, there is no point in being an island. You're just building stress that way.

See you guys,

A

 

Day 22 ->0: Most important day of the week.

Summary: Abstained from P but M/edged, was just super unmotivated/frustrated for the last 2-3 days. This is a very different relapse however. Here we go again.

The difference between this relapse and every one beforehand is that I am physically acknowledging it via this thread and making myself accountable to something else beside myself. I am not an island, though I'd rather keep my weaknesses isolated from everyone around me. This is hard haha.

When I make a plan, I know things will not go perfectly. In fact they may go in a very different direction. When I'm in the thick of things not working out, I can only see frustration which compounds into stress. My "weak points" are right before I go to bed and right when I get up as these are two times I could most easily fall back to PMO as a de-stressor. This morning I got up at 6 to write a paper, ended up wasting time on my phone, avoiding porn but looking for an excuse to do it. I thought a lot about you guys here and what you would say. In the end, I finally got up around 730, having not written anything and feel more frustrated than before this relapse.

The only way to get past that stress is to address the cause of it through action. This is a skill, a strength which takes many attempts to improve upon. This relapse may be a setback, but I'm using it to move forward much further. I'm just going to continue to build my disciplinary strength and the next time this urge hits I will know to push through it. I can't think of a more positive way of addressing this. Failure is the best thing that's ever happened to me.

Conclusion: Starting Wednesday we are starting progressively colder showers before I go to bed and right when I get up. In addition, I'm dropping several phone apps which are useless in helping me progress. I might even leave my phone in my car when I'm at school. The less I'm attached to sources of "instant" and artificial gratification, the less attractive PMO becomes and the more attractive pushing through that pain starts to be.

~Also still working on the goals I established in my previous post this week. Didn't do so well on them.

Lets push our limits!