I feel like I'm losing my mind. Any Advice?!

Hi everyone. I'm so glad that I found this forum. It makes me feel a little less alone. Everyday my heart breaks a little bit more. I don't know what to do. If anyone can offer me any advice (especially the men) I'd really appreciate it. It's a bit of a long story.. but I will try and keep it short.

Almost 9 years ago, I left my man right after having our daughter due to his bad porn addiction. It was horrible. I felt so ugly because I put on 70lbs during the pregnancy, and wasn't going to lose it overnight. He had no interest in having sex with me at all. He barely wanted to touch me. I kept catching him.. over and over. He would lie right to my face, even when he was caught. I don't have a problem with porn, except for when I am replaced by it. I'm very openminded. I will try any fantasy, offered to watch with.. no interest. The final straw was finding out he signed up for Ashley Madison. This cheating website. He claims he never met anyone on there, but was just curious.. and from what I could find he didn't, but that was it for me. He saw it was destroying me. I was up all night going through laptops, computer histories, cookies, even his ipod touch he'd look at porn on, I was barely getting sleep and felt like I wasn't being the mother I should be to my baby, because I was obsessing over him and what he was hiding. So I packed up my daughter and left to stay with my Mom. Secretly hoping, he'd realize what he'd lost and wake up and come back for us.

Fast forward a few years, I hook up with an old grade school friend on facebook. I'm starved for the attention. He tells me I'm beautiful, wants me all of the time, and I end up getting pregnant. I have a boy, who is the love of my life. He is autistic. Things don't work out with this guy. I got into it for the wrong reasons because I was desperate for love. In the meantime over all of these years, my daughter's father and I are very friendly and amicable. I miss him. Time makes you forget. People do change and grow. I know I had. My son's father and I go through a nasty breakup and he leaves the state.

This sounds like a tawdry soap. My ex is there for me for my breakup.. more importantly he is there for the kids. He is wonderful and patient and kind to my son with special needs. We don't fight. I think he has grown up. Sex is good. He actually cares about pleasing me. He wants me. There are times he desires me when I'm not even showered yet. I see he cancels all of his dating sites and gets rid of porn when I peek through his laptop. I start to really fall back in love with him hard. We move in together. My kids change schools since it's a better district. I can see us getting married.

A year passes. He goes on a couple of week long business trips. I tell him it's ok if he watches porn or wants to skype because I know he is used to having sex with me a couple of times a week. Maybe that is what changed. Maybe it's my fault. Also I gained 7lbs. He seemed to not want sex with me after I had all of my baby weight. Whatever the cause sex stopped. Nearly a month would pass and nothing. Youre telling me a healthy male, used to it several times a week, goes a month without it and doesn't at least jerk off?! I had to initiate it. He'd go soft. Blame it on meds he's been taking, or having to pee. Finally, after I started crying bc he couldnt stay hard he said he had ED and got an RX for it. I don't doubt he has ED. PIED. Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction. Which I only learned about recently.

I had suspicions of porn bc his google history had several vertical dashes throughout the day, everyday. Which means, either deleted items, or incognito mode was used. He'd spend a lot of time in the bathroom or shower. Sometimes I'd hear moans of porn through the door. He'd say I was crazy and he was going #2 and have a game cued up on his phone as an explanation. Whenever I'd come out of the shower I would smell semen. Everytime I brought it up he flipped out on me. He continues to lie about it. I literally saw him masturbating in his car outside from the window one day, he said he wanted to go wait outside early for our daughter to get off the bus so she could take a ride with him. It was cold so he heated up the car and waited 10 min early.

When I heard porn coming out of the bathroom the other day and the jerking off sound, He heard me walking up and flushed and came out real fast. I confronted him. I didn't raise my voice once. He got hostile. Screamed, loud in my face that I'm a psycho bitch and I'm bipolar. Even told my kids that "your mother is a psycho bitch". And stormed out the door. He later apologized to the kids for them having to see that, not to me. That is his M.O. when he is caught. An innocent man doesn't act like that. But he has never spoke to me like that. He even blamed the fact that we don't have sex on me because I constantly falsely accuse him of this stuff.

I don't want to shame him. I want him to get help. I want to save us. I can't take it. I cry everyday. I feel so ugly. He says he loves me, but he doesn't have the respect for me to tell me the truth and try to work on it. I'm starting to fall out of love with him. It's like I lose a piece of me everyday. I can't take it anymore. I'm visiting a friend in FL for a week soon, I hope being without us for a week will give him an idea of what life would be like without us.

If things don't change soon, I'm going to end up leaving him. I really don't want to, but I can't live like this, and don't want my kids growing up thinking love makes you this unhappy. I may have given him a second chance, but there won't be a third.

This is a last ditch effort.. if anyone has any advice for someone who is lying, in complete denial and has anger issues... please help. I'm desperate.

I'm so sorry this is so long. Especially for my first post. I have been reading and crying along with everyone else posts nodding my head. I know your pain.

Thank you for listening. And to all of the other people dealing with this-- partners feeling rejected and unwanted, and the ones who are taking responsibility, stepping up and doing the work.. Stay Strong!

 

Thank you so much. It's interesting to hear from someone who has been there and what finally got through to them. Best of luck to you and your wife!

 

Unfortunately, he has a bad relationship with his Dad, and his Mom passed away. He has 3 elder sisters. I don't want to emasculate him by bringing them into this. I really appreciate your perspective.. you are right.. I shouldn't leave him alone. It's just so frustrating to want to help someone and fix something that someone thinks is not broken. Thank you.

 

I must say I am overwhelmed by the support and responses I got on here. It means a lot. I can't believe how many people actually read my drama. I cannot thank everyone enough. I have a lot to think about. I don't mean to be overemotional or mushy but it's been a long crazy few months.