Hello, I am blissismyname... and I am a PMO addict.

Hello everyone, I am new here and I just discovered this page today. I am a 24 year old man, and after 11 years of watching porn and masturbating continuously, I came to the conclusion that I am a PMO addict and I need help. It's been only 2 days since I quit watching porn and masturbating, and I am already figuring out why I have been addicted to PMO, and I am witnessing the dreadful consequences of that addiction in my life. I trust this forum, I trust this community, and my gut tells me that I am safe here among you guys and I feel as if I can share with all of you what I have been going through. Hopefully, I might get some help and support.

I discovered masturbation at the age of 13, and it felt amazing. Unfortunately, back in the day there was no educational or informative way to tell you that people get hung up on this and it becomes destructive and a part of your lifestyle. I doubt that there is enough information regarding this topic today. I would jerk off a lot, fantasizing with lots of women, etc., but after a while, fantasizing wasn't enough. I had to see sex. That's when I discovered porn. For 11 years I have been addicted to PMO, and for several years I thought it was just a healthy way to learn about your sexuality, and what turns you on, etc. I never would've guessed that I was addicted to it. I was blind to all the negative effects that it had in my life.

I am gonna get a bit personal here, and share with you guys what I discovered from being a PMO addict:

- I lacked the same focus and concentration that I had before, hence my school grades were dropping.

- My mood would change drastically, from anger to shame and regret and sadness.

- I felt tired, and wanted to sleep more often. I would jerk off at nights just to go to sleep since there were times in which I couldn't do it naturally anymore.

- Hours would go by watching porn on the Internet, masturbating. I would ignore my studies, working out, even hanging out with family and friends. I enjoyed staying inside the house watching porn.

- I used to think that being in a relationship was just annoying and stupid, so I never wanted to go out with girls, or have a girlfriend. I turned down some very attractive and interesting girls because of this mentality.

- I would masturbate in order to relax when I was really stressed.

- I would go out to bars and clubs, most of the time by my own, trying to find hook ups. I would make out with girls (and getting rejected), and spend so much money and after trying this for so many times I only succeeded in getting laid once. The funny thing is, I didn't even think that girl was attractive, and that one time I went out and met this girl, I had absolutely no purpose on getting laid. That has been my only sexual experience with another person ever. The worst part was that I couldn't keep an erection during sex. We had intercourse for an hour and she wanted me to cum, and I just couldn't. After an hour, I managed to finish. We had sex a second time and finished rather quickly than the first time. Still, not being able to keep an erection at 23 was concerning. The most concerning thing was that, for being my first sexual experience, I thought you were supposed to do it like they do in porn. At the time, I thought I was tired so that's why I couldn't keep my erection, so didn't bother with it. I fantasize with that sexual experience every now and then.

- I have subscribed myself to endless adult pages, casual sex websites, sex finder apps, sex chats... you name it. I've never managed to get laid or to find something meaningful with anyone. I spend so much time creating this false identity on the Internet, and I haven't found anyone to have sex with.

- My expectations on women are high. I demand gorgeous looking girls, yet I reject the pretty girl who is super interesting and have plenty of things in common.

- I masturbate to porn while also watching my hot friends' photos on Facebook. It is disgusting. I have a USB with pictures of my hot friends or hot celebrities in bathing suits or sexy dresses, and some occasional nude pictures here and there.

- A friend wanted to start a friends with benefits relationship. We were both really horny and had cyber sex and exchanged nude pics. I feel so ashamed to share this, because I eventually turned her down. I couldn't begin a sexual relationship with someone, even if though it was she who wanted to start the whole thing. The worst part was that I offered myself to her and made her feel like a slut. She eventually offered to have sex with me. She wrote to me several months ago asking for help because she too was a sex addict. I was really hard on her and couldn't help her. I indirectly told her that she was a slut. I feel really bad about this. Both of us were just trying to feel connected, and I could have helped her, and I didn't.

- I think I have no game, and I might have very poor flirting skills. I have been told that I am a good-looking guy with a nice body. I consider myself to be very interesting, and I have an interesting life, yet I can't seem to catch anyone's attention. I think I can't flirt adequately and get my game going. I feel isolated, trapped. Sometimes, I would feel as though nobody would understand me. I had a crush on a girl who was playing with me, and I was madly in love with her for 7 or 8 months. I couldn't even value myself, and I wanted the person who was shitty to me. Other nice girls that I have been interested in have been rude and arrogant and have turned me down in really hurtful ways. I feel attracted to shitty people. I feel like I am wearing a mask, hiding my true desires and needs. Ultimately, this need is to feel loved, and to love in return.

- I want to feel connected again... with others and myself. I can't establish a meaningful and profound connection with people anymore and I feel as though my addiction has led me to this. I am 24 years old and I have never dated anyone in my entire life. I lie to my family and friends telling them that I've gone out with girls, when in reality, I've never been out with anyone. I feel really pathetic just writing this because I've never shared this with anyone. I feel scared to date because I wouldn't know where to take this girl, or what to talk about, or worse yet, think if she'll like me or not. I lack self-confidence. I worry about texting with girls that I find attractive because I feel as though they'll reject me. The worst part is is that I have been rejected by beautiful, interesting women. I keep finding excuses to not go out with someone: They are not pretty enough, they are not interesting enough, their dreams and goals are stupid, etc. All I want is to feel connected with someone, and experience what its like to be in a loving relationship. I want that. I've never had that in my life. It has affected me personally because I feel ugly and unattractive. I am balding and I've had issues dealing with my weight. I can't help but feel that all of this is an attitude thing, and once I learn to accept and love myself, I won't feel ugly, unattractive and with no self-confidence anymore. I am tired of this. I have the right to experience unconditional love and to be free.

Some years ago, I saw this wonderful movie called "Shame", directed by Steve McQueen and starring Michael Fassbender. If you haven't seen it, it's the story of a man called Brandon, who is a sex addict, and it shows the spiraling, destructive path that his addiction has taken him to. I really enjoyed it, and I've actually seen it a couple of times. I had the chance to see it again 2 nights ago. This time, the film hit home. I realized that I could identify with this guy, and maybe for me the destructive path wasn't physically tangible like Brandon's, but it was definitely there, inside me. That was 2 nights ago, when I realized I was a PMO addict. I highly recommend this film.

I am tired of feeling lonely and unhappy, and I am tired of blaming women for rejecting me, when I might be the one with the problem. I am tired of my low self-esteem, feeling as though I am not worthy, feeling as if I'm ugly and have an ugly body, and that women would only be into me if I were insanely hot. Women are not superficial beings, but that is the illusion that porn has given me. Relationships are more than just sex, its about establishing a profound connection with someone. They are not meant to provide happiness. I think that's a very selfish thing to ask of someone. Where is the love in that? You must be happy for yourself, and find ways to expand your love with someone else; but you have to love yourself unconditionally first. I have decided to quit masturbating and watching porn and heal. I want to feel good first, and if someone comes along the way in which I might establish a meaningful, loving relationship with... so be it. I have to start loving and respecting myself first. For me, this transcends the physical, psychological and emotional. This is a spiritual thing that I must do for myself.

I have decided to go cold turkey and on hard mode for as long as it takes me to heal. I have bared it all in this introduction, and I have shared things that I have never told anyone ever. You are all free to comment if you wish, and I will truly appreciate any advice or motivation, if possible.

Thank you.

Blissismyname

 

Thanks jocusk84. I'll definitely try that and thanks for the support.