Introducing One Sick, Long-time Using SOB

My back-story in a nutshell...

When I was 6 years old I looked up my first grade teacher's dress. It wasn't long after this that I discovered the swimsuit and lingerie sections of the JC Penney catalog, as well as erotic passages in my mother's romance novels. Shortly after I hit puberty, I began taking this crap into the bathroom to masturbate to. Not having access to porn, I drew nude tracings of Ms. Buxley and Blondie from the newspaper, as well as of the catalog models. I saw my first porn magazine at 14 or so. I burned it a few days later. By the time I reached 18 I had been exposed to a few more dirty magazines and one VHS porn video. I confessed some of this to my religious leader and was able to stop for over a year. I credit much prayer and scripture study, and my level of spirituality at the time, to my success in doing so. I eventually relapsed into MO behavior and in 1997 I found porn on the internet. I have been PMO'ing ever since, though I've tried to stop several times, even confessing to this behavior again to clergy.

I married my wife in my early 20's. We have kids and a very happy marriage, and somewhat active (twice a week) sex life. She has no idea I carry this "dark passenger". I'm almost 40. I'm here because I'm a user, I'm addicted to this shit, and I need help. I know I will battle this until the day I die. I do not want to spend the second half of my life in this hell.

I believe in the redeeming power of our Savior, Jesus Christ. I know he loves me. I know he'll help me and forgive me. But I am so weak right now. I have a goal to reach 90 days without P or M. My other goals are to read the scriptures and pray constantly, limit screen time and exercise daily. I look forward to being able to lean on you all. I need your strength and support.

 

Thanks for the encouragement and kind words. Today is gonna be great!